In a New Yorker article, Tad Friend quoted a psychiatrist who had ample experience with those who vaulted to their deaths from the Golden Gate bridge. The doctor singled out a case that especially moved him: “The guy was in his thirties, lived alone, pretty bare apartment. He’d written a note and left it on his bureau. It said, ‘I am going to walk to the bridge. If one person smiles at me on the way, I will not jump’” (Tad Friend, “Jumpers,” The New Yorker, October 5, 2003, www.newyorker.com/magazine/2003/10/13/jumpers).

 

Sadly, he jumped, which must mean nobody smiled at him.

 

Brené Brown, the popular social scientist and researcher, defined loneliness as an absence of meaningful social interaction (Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience). A poverty of connections, if you will. Could it be this man was so devoid of human connections that it afflicted his soul with chronic loneliness, which then compelled him to choose death?

 

Chronic loneliness can lead to death. Scientific studies and anecdotal evidence—from the famous writers who killed themselves, to the man who jumped off the Golden Gate bridge—support this conclusion. Of course, not all lonely souls kill themselves, thank God. Still, research shows how destructive loneliness can be: it leaves us feeling depressed and compromises the well-being of both our brain and body (C. M. Masi, et al., “A Meta-Analysis of Interventions to Reduce Loneliness,” Personality and Social Psychology Review 15, (2011): doi: 10.1177/1088868310377394).

 

Take a guess. Which of the following carries the highest risk of dying early: air pollution, obesity, excessive drinking, or loneliness?

 

If you picked the last one, bingo. Whereas the first three add a 5 percent, 20 percent, and 30 percent risk of dying early, respectively, loneliness lays on a whopping 45 percent risk (Brown, Atlas of the Heart, 180). Who would have thought loneliness is more dangerous than alcohol abuse?

 

And how can we lessen loneliness while mourning? Is it by surrounding ourselves with people?

 

Yes. Grief feels lighter when you can share yours with a sympathetic ear. So if you have not done it, find supportive people to prop you up. Volunteer. Socialize. Read a nourishing book for the kids at your local library. Attend church.

 

Then again, being around people can sound as charming as chewing raw garlic. As a child, my husband John fought off stubborn cold symptoms this way. His mother was right; the trick worked. But, as you can imagine, the experience was highly unpleasant to young John. Similarly, being around people can help, but when we are gripped with loneliness, it can make us laser-focused on the negative parts of socializing, causing us to skip the whole idea altogether (Masi, et al., “A Meta-Analysis of Interventions to Reduce Loneliness”). No wonder Brené Brown said she often feels the loneliest when others are around (Brown, Atlas of the Heart, 179).

 

So now what? When parts of us compel us to hunker down and tune out the world, what can be done for our lonely parts?

 

We can befriend them.

 

Being around others can help mitigate loneliness. But it can also multiply your pain. That is why, to ease loneliness, the safest first step is to turn inward and offer your presence for your lonely part. This way the lonely part does not need to hunt for someone suitable in the external world to befriend. While not everyone is willing or able to help, the real you—your Self—is always available.

 

Besides, the more your lonely part trusts you, the more it will allow you to lead the way, in case someone makes an insensitive comment. Your Self can handle relational ruptures in a firm but loving way.

 

Taken from Grieving Wholeheartedly by Audrey Davidheiser. Copyright (c) 2025 by Audrey Davidheiser. Used by permission of InterVarsity Press. www.ivpress.com

 

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Dr. Audrey Davidheiser (www.aimforbreakthrough.com) is a licensed psychologist in California, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now provides IFS therapy for trauma survivors, including those with religious trauma, and assists in IFS trainings. She has been a regular writer for Crosswalk.com and columnist for iBelieve.com. Her book on how IFS helps the grieving process, Grieving Wholeheartedly, is published by InterVarsity Press in July 2025. Follow her on Facebook and Instagram @DrAudreyD.