Continuing bonds is the research-supported idea that healthy grieving does not require “letting go” of the person who died — instead, we heal by transforming the relationship and carrying it with us in a new form. If you still talk to your loved one, feel their presence, or keep them woven into your daily life, that is not denial or being “stuck.” In fact, between 47% and 82% of bereaved people report sensing, hearing, or seeing someone who has died. This article explains what continuing bonds means, why these experiences are normal, and how staying connected can actually help you heal.
Key Takeaways
- Continuing bonds means maintaining a healthy, ongoing connection with a loved one after death.
- It challenges the old myth that grief means “letting go” and moving on.
- Between 47% and 82% of bereaved people report sensing the presence of someone who died — a normal experience.
- The concept was introduced by researchers Klass, Silverman, and Nickman in 1996.
- Rituals, conversations, and keepsakes are healthy ways to keep the bond alive.
What Are Continuing Bonds?
For much of the 20th century, grief was framed as a process of “detaching” from the person who died — the healthier you were, the more you were supposed to let go. In 1996, researchers Dennis Klass, Phyllis Silverman, and Steven Nickman challenged that idea with their theory of continuing bonds, showing that many people grieve well precisely by maintaining a connection, not severing it. As Simply Psychology summarizes, the goal is not to end the relationship but to redefine it in a way that fits the new reality.
According to the British Psychological Society, sensing the presence of a loved one who has died is remarkably common — experienced by somewhere between 47% and 82% of bereaved people. Far from being a symptom of something wrong, these experiences are a normal part of the human response to loss.
Healthy Ways People Maintain Bonds
Continuing bonds look different for everyone. Here are some of the ways bereaved people commonly stay connected:
| Type of Bond | What It Might Look Like |
|---|---|
| Conversation | Talking to your loved one, writing them letters, sharing news at their graveside |
| Ritual | Lighting a candle, visiting a meaningful place, marking anniversaries |
| Objects | Wearing their jewelry, keeping a piece of clothing, displaying photos |
| Legacy | Continuing their traditions, values, recipes, or causes they cared about |
| Inner dialogue | Asking “what would they say?” and carrying their guidance forward |
“After my brother Scott died, I did not need to let him go to get better — I needed to find a new way to keep him. Continuing bonds gave me language for something my heart already knew: love outlives the goodbye.”
— Dr. Heidi Horsley, licensed psychologist and co-founder of Open to Hope
When Bonds Are Healthy — and When to Seek Support
For the vast majority of grieving people, continuing bonds are comforting and adaptive. My own view, shared by most modern grief clinicians, is that they should be welcomed rather than pathologized. That said, if a bond becomes a way of avoiding the reality of the death entirely — for example, keeping a room exactly as it was for years while being unable to function — it may be worth exploring with a grief therapist. The difference is not whether you stay connected, but whether the connection helps you keep living. A helpful research overview is available in this systematic review on continuing bonds.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it healthy to still feel connected to someone who died?
Yes. Modern grief research shows that maintaining a transformed connection — continuing bonds — is a normal and often healthy part of grieving, not a sign of denial.
Is it normal to sense the presence of a loved one who died?
Very. Studies suggest that between 47% and 82% of bereaved people have such experiences, whether a sense of presence, hearing their voice, or feeling watched over. It does not mean anything is wrong with you.
Does keeping a bond mean I’m not moving on?
Not at all. Continuing bonds are not about staying stuck; they are about carrying your love forward while still building a full life. Connection and healing can happen together.
When should continuing bonds be a concern?
Only if the connection is being used to deny the death entirely and is preventing you from functioning over the long term. In that case, a grief therapist can help.
Dr. Heidi Horsley is a licensed psychologist, adjunct professor at Columbia University, and co-host of the Open to Hope podcast. After losing her 17-year-old brother Scott in a car accident, she has dedicated her career to helping bereaved families find hope after loss. This article is for education and is not a substitute for individual mental health care.
