Death, Advanced Directives, and Dad Jokes

It was the best conversation we never wanted to have. I filled out an Advanced Directive with my dad. And it was fun!

I had asked family members to fill out Advanced Directives a few times before. I know feelings about your mortality change and, thus, your view of care shifts. And they needed an update. I decided to complete an Advanced Directive, the Five Wishes Document, for myself before asking my dad to complete his. I am not sure that was the right decision.

Often, my dad would ask me what I chose to put in my Advanced Directive before he decided what he wanted to choose. I think this may have altered his choices ever-so-slightly, and I wonder how his Advanced Directive would have turned out if he had filled it out without my input.

Dad and I Had Similar Feelings

Despite my curiosity about this “what-if” scenario, I am glad that we talked through things. I was able to inform him about specific topics (like feeding tubes and life support). He was able to help me think through family ideals and the cultural practices with which we are
accustomed. Going through the process of completing the Advanced Directive reassured me that I know my dad very well, and I was so lucky to be raised by someone with such a positive outlook on life and death.

My dad and I have similar feelings on almost every aspect of how we wish to be cared for at the end of our lives. Even so, a few key differences stood out regarding how we wish our remains to be dealt with. Here’s some of my experience with advanced directives with Dad.

Advanced Directive with Dad

In Wish One, both of us listed each other, and my mother was listed as our healthcare agent. This is not surprising to me as my immediate family is extremely close. In addition, neither my dad nor I crossed out any of the statements presented in Wish One or had any changes, additions, or limitations to the statements provided – likely a product of our similar moral outlooks on life.

On Wish Two, my dad and I had similar feelings about all of the questions and answered each of them exactly the same way. The questions about life-support did spark a long conversation about the definition of life-support and the success rate and necessity of feeding tubes. Initially, my dad said he wanted life-support if he had permanent and severe brain damage. But once we talked about the stipulation that specifies if the doctor has already determined you are not expected to recover, he changed his mind and said he would not want
life-support at all.

We both agreed that we would use more specific situations and diagnoses to make an official call, though. My Dad and I both found the statement “not expected to recover” critical in our decision of whether or not we would want life support. I answered this section
exceptionally quickly, as I felt I knew the answers without much thought. My dad, on the other hand, found this section more complex. He took time working through scenarios and analyzing all the language.

Working Through the Advanced Directives with Dad

I believe the difference may be accounted for by the general knowledge we both had surrounding life-support and what it truly means, or perhaps our age and our perceived closeness to death itself.

We went through Wish Three and Four easily and quickly. My dad did not ask what I decided before making his decisions, but we ended up crossing out almost all of the same statements. Both of us chose to cross out statement one in Wish Three, “I want my doctor to give
me enough medicine to relieve my pain, even if that means I will be drowsy or sleep more than I would otherwise.”

Religious Preferences Near Death

Our reasoning for this decision was also similar — he and Mom raised me in an agnostic household, and we want to make clear that none of our family members impose their religious beliefs on our end-of-life experience. In the same vein, we crossed out the language requesting prayers by our side and asking members of our faith community to pray for us in Wish Four.

Dad has a stronger aversion to organized religion than I do and questions its authenticity. But his beliefs have definitely influenced mine. Our desire to keep religiosity out of our death experience seems somewhat selfish to me. I know it would help some of our extended
family members, when they are grieving, to know they could pray with us, but it would make both Dad and me uncomfortable.

The only discrepancy between Dad’s answers and mine in Wishes Three and Four stems from my dislike of massages. Wish Three states that I may wish to be massaged with warm oils as often as possible. But massages usually bother me unless I specifically ask for them. I don’t believe I will be in a state to make that decision thoughtfully once this document comes into effect. It is important to note, however, that these seemingly small activities – massages, listening to music, or hair-brushing — keep us feeling like ourselves through our final days.

Finishing the Wish List with Dad

Finally, Wish Five brought forth the most discussion between my dad and me. Neither of us chose to cross out any of the statements, but we differed on how we want our bodies to be laid to rest after our death. Dad wants to be cremated, whereas I wish to be buried in a green
cemetery or terramated. I wish for a green burial or terramation because these options are less harmful to the environment.

Though I told Dad about these alternatives, he stayed with his choice of cremation. However, our decision rationale is similar. He believes it is more environmentally friendly to be cremated than to be buried conventionally.

He wants to have his ashes spread across three different locations: the New Jersey shore, a hiking trail in Utah near the house in which we grew up, and some in a wooden box buried at the base of a tree in a location to be determined by my family and me. I want to be buried naturally with a tree planted above me or through my terramated remains.

Sharing with Dad was Enlightening

I find it intriguing that Dad and I both wish to be made into trees. I think I may have gotten that desire from him. My parents have always taught me to love nature and its beauty, and part of me likes the idea that Dad’s remains will be added to the three locations he loves the most. Perhaps I lean toward terramation for similar reasons.

I know that birds and other animals will spread the seeds produced by any tree that grows from my burial ground. My body will return to nature and experience living in many different places after death. My Dad and I both believe it is important to have a place for those who live after us to visit. This is a large part of why we both want a tree to grow where our remains lie.

I also learned from my parents that life is to be celebrated. That’s why I believe Dad and I both want a large party celebrating the time we were given on earth rather than a somber event. My family has loud, crazy parties with all of us having the best time, and I think it
is important that our deaths be celebrated in the same light.

Planning Our Funerals

Dad was much more specific than me about the readings and songs he wants to be performed at his memorial service and the events and times he wishes for the afterparty to take place. But the funeral my dad planned for himself is no different than what I would have expected. My parents have shown me the beauty in nature, art, music, food, family, and friends, so it
is no wonder that all of those pieces are incorporated into the funerals we planned for ourselves.

Mine is modeled after Dad’s, though indirectly. I wrote mine first. I believe in my heart that I already knew most of what he was going to say. And I know Mom’s wishes as well. So, my funeral plan follows a similar positive tune. I feel so lucky that I was raised by people who
appreciate positivity and celebrate life.

The Advanced Directives with dad conversation was not hard for me to have with Dad. I loved learning, in detail, Dad’s wishes for the celebration of his life. I loved reading how Dad wants people to remember him because it is exactly how I would describe
him to anyone who asks about him.

Gratitude for my Father

It is a blessing that I was raised by someone who is so intelligent and has so much curiosity because it creates a safe space for me to explore many different fields and ask questions. It makes me feel at peace to know he wants us to celebrate his life rather than wallow in his
death because, in my opinion, it helps with grief to know that you are celebrating the way a person lived.

Everyone should sit with their parents over a cup of coffee, a glass of wine, and bond over what you wish to happen in your last days. I promise, it’s fun!

Read more from Symon on Open to Hope: Dying in Prison: The Need for Hospice – Open to Hope

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