How Many Siblings Do You Have?

“How many siblings do you have?” It is a dreaded question asked of many a surviving sibling. When I’m asked, my heart thumps out of my chest. I sense the heat rising on my face and struggle to breathe. How do I answer?

For me, the answer has changed over time. When asked, decades after I lost my sisters, I still experience the tremor in my body. Regardless of how ready I believe myself to be, the experience leaves me reeling when asked.

After my younger sister Jane died in 1981, was I now the youngest? After we lost Jane, I avoided the question; remaining silent, her passing was too shocking. When Margie died in 1990, now what? Am I an only child? I answered, “it’s just me,” and left it at that.

A Feeling of Dishonesty

Later, I experienced sickness and a sense of dishonesty, but apprehension about the other person’s response prevented a truthful disclosure.

If I was on a first date, the question was inevitable. Should I use this this as a test? Or should I falsely answer, “it’s just me.” Then what, if the date leads to a relationship? I started off with a lie.

Or should I answer, “I lost both my sisters,” or perhaps I say, “I had two sisters who died.” At that time, I never found the right words. What next? Judge the individual based on their reaction?

How to Divulge the Loss

I wrestled not only with the question, but how much to divulge to a stranger? A part of me protecting myself, fearful of a negative response, being hurt, and a part of me questioning the loss of two sisters as real.

Decades later and much later I arrived at, “I am the middle of three and sadly I lost both my sisters.” This is what feels right for me today. The reactions are mixed–from blank faces, to “I’m sorry,” to wanting to learn the details of my beloved sisters’ deaths, to sharing their losses.

There is no right or wrong answer. When I meet new people or in a situation when I foresee what will happen, I get that pang of anxiety–oh no, I think, that dreadful question, I want to hide under a rock.

I am, have been, am, and will always be Judy, the middle of three sisters. That is my truth. I cannot control other people’s reactions. I will never be comfortable answering the question, and my answer may change ten years from now.

What will I say to my three little grandchildren when they are old enough to ask their Nini? I hope for the truth and share precious memories of their Auntie Margie and Auntie Jane, the beautiful, special people who loved them dearly.

Read more from Judy Lipson on Open to Hope: https://www.opentohope.com/selecting-songs-…honor-loved-ones/

Purchase Judy Lipson’s book at https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1608082679/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i0