Entering into a New Relationship after the Death of a Life Partner

How many photos are too many?

One of the most charming questions I ever received in one of my second year spousal loss classes came from a middle-aged man named Sam. He said, “If I were to invite a woman over to dinner, how many framed pictures of my deceased wife would be too many?”

His question was a good one. Sam, like most people who have lost a mate, had increased the number of framed photos around his house so he could feel his late wife’s presence. I answered his question with one of my own: “If you went into a widow’s home, how many photos of her deceased spouse would it take for you to feel uncomfortable?” He laughed and said it was time to dismantle the shrine. He went on to say that he was going to invite a woman over to his home for dinner because he missed having a meaningful conversation with the opposite sex.

The void created by “not belonging to another”

Social connections are key to emotional health. They remind us of our value. Research supports that those of us who are socially connected are healthier, have fewer stress-related problems, and recover from trauma and illness faster. Yet many widows and widowers are reticent to seek a new partner because the quality of the relationship – long term- is uncertain. Occasionally, a class member is brave enough to express her or her apprehension by saying, “What happens if I remarry and find I’m unhappier than I am living alone?” It’s a good question and a valid concern.

However, I recently sent a questionnaire to 90 widows and widowers I have worked with over the years. Of the 60 percent who responded, more than half are happily remarried or in a committed relationship. Many reported that their current relationship was more loving and rewarding than the one they had with their deceased mate.

The touchy subject of dating

You might say that you are not interested in a committed relationship because you are not interested in being a caregiver again. However, that same relationship can become a positive when you think about another person caring and supporting you.

Let me list a few of my own observations about widows and widowers, and the subject of a new relationship.

·         When the building of a relationship is rushed, it often fails, throwing the individual back into a grief cycle. I often draw a round peg in a square hole on the white board to remind people that a round peg can be put into a square hole if you make the round peg small enough. In other words, you can make yourself fit into someone else’s world even when it isn’t a good fit for you over the long term. But does that sound appealing?

·         The thought of dating can be paralyzing, but seldom do people understand that it is often more the fear of dating than the idea of a relationship that scares them.

·         Many who insist they are not going to date change their minds immediately after meeting someone interesting.

·         A few individuals strongly believe it is morally wrong to commit to another relationship. They wrestle with thinking they should remain alone because of their prior commitment. When I hear this I ask them to review the last lines of their traditional wedding vows: to love and to cherish till death do us part. Wisely, no restrictions were placed on how to live after they have completed their vows.

No matter what you want or don’t want, expect people to talk to you about dating. Try to understand and be kind. Now that you are without a companion, it is normal for others to think you might be interested in another relationship.

Lastly, what you ultimately decide you want and don’t want to include in your life moving forward—is most likely be the right thing for YOU. Therefore, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you if you are not interested in committing to a new relationship. Period.



Vicki Panagotacos, PhD FT

More Articles Written by Vicki

Vicki Panagotacos, PhD. FT is a Grief & Loss Counselor and Life Transition Coach in private practice in Los Gatos and La Selva Beach, CA. She also facilitates grief groups and conducts local workshops. Ms. Panagotacos holds various professional certifications and is an ADEC Fellow. In addition to founding www.bestgriefbooks.com, she writes for her blog, TalkingGrief.com, and has authored the following: Effect of Multigenerational Family and Social Systems on Meaning-Making (2010); chapter Defining and Envisioning Self in Techniques of Grief Therapy: Creative Practices for Counseling the Bereaved (edited by Robert Niemeyer, 2012, and Gaining Traction: Starting Over after the Death of a Life Partner, 2014.


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  • Elly says:

    I go back and forth with the new relationship thing.

  • Julie says:

    I struggle with this issue. My husband of almost 28 years passed away six months ago and when he died, I said “there’s no way I would want another man to put his hands on me and I will not be lucky enough to find two wonderful men in one lifetime so therefore, I will never date.”. I noticed about 5 months after my husband died I was praying and I said “God, if you see fit to bring another man into my life, I would be open to it”. Things and feelings change with time. I have two adult children, my daughter is 26 and does not want to hear anything about me dating and says “just go buy another horse and stay home” and my son who is 24 says “Mom, you are too young to be alone”.. I am 50 by the way and my son understands. I am doing my very best to be sensitive with my children’s hearts at this time but they do have to realize, this is my life and I need to continue moving forward… they know I loved their father, they know I have no regrets with their father and even though yes I am still grieving, I have to move forward and be happy. Life is for the living.

    • Anonymous says:

      I also struggle with this. My wonderful wife of 38 years passed away 15 months ago. We were high school sweethearts and she has been the only women for me forever. I miss a women’s presence but can’t bring myself to think about dating. I am 60, so maybe it is too late anyway.

      • Kelly Hutton says:

        I am almost 60, and I lost my husband of almost 36 years to Cancer 31/2 years ago. I struggle with loneliness especially in the evening and bedtime. I miss the companionship, romance, holding hands etc. I wonder if the lonely feelings will ever lessen. I’m very close to my two daughters, their significant others and my grandson, but I miss having interactions with someone close to my age.

        • Starting over is, indeed, difficult after decades of being with a partner. Yet meeting someone can happen when you least expect it.

          Join activities and volunteer for what interests you, and you will have a better chance of meeting someone compatible – or meeting another person who happens to know someone they think you should meet.

          A lot of my clients’ grown children post their parent’s profile on Match.com, etc. A thought that might make you shudder. Yet I know of many widows who met someone they came to love – by being online.


    • Tony turner says:

      Hi my partner died 6 months ago and I know how y feel. I am 51 and need another women x

  • Gregg Jones says:

    So a new relationship after wife and soulmate dies? No betrayal? Still love your late wife while moving into new relationship ok? How do you proceed and not feel guilty? My wife died 8 months ago

    • Eight months is not much time in the general scheme of things. If you are enjoying the woman you have met, why don’t you do just that. Enjoy her!

      Regarding a commitment, it would be wise to wait 18-24 months before living together or marrying, and I would weigh in on the 24-month side. Infatuation can feel like compatibility. You both could be wonderful, well-balanced people, but it takes time to know if two wonderful well-balanced people are well-suited for a committed relationship.

      Regarding betrayal. It sounds like you are pretty clear on what your late wife meant to you, what she contributed to your life, and what the loss means to you. It is important to have this continuing bond in place before moving forward.

      Keep in mind that regret is a painful process, and you something you don’t want to entertain right after losing your soul mate.


  • Dee says:

    My fiance of 4 years passed away suddenly in an ATV accident almost 15 months ago, I am 27 years old and he was 29. I have started seeing a new man for a few months and know to keep things slow but now I am struggling with missing my fiance more (if that is possible) and almost looking for things to push this new man away. I struggle with the questions: why get too invested to be hurt again? What if my fiance is mad? What if it doesn’t work out?

    • Rohan Diddly says:

      the dead do not get mad with the living…. my wife of 10 years and 2 kids died 4 months ago. i literally felt her blessing me to be free. If he loved you he would want you to be happy. Take things slow but remember you deserve happiness and it is possible to love 2 people (one deceased!) Honour your connection with your dead lover and allow time for this in your life as a top priority . Your new man needs to give you this time as it can only benefit your relationship. Express your grief when it comes and don’t fight your emotions. What you feel is your truth, Be blessed be strong and carry on.

  • Gregg says:

    I have really missed my wife after her passing this past January. Her best friend of 33 years has touch my heart over the months since the passing. She lost what was a sister to her and I lost my soulmate. God took her home. I have developed a nice friendship and a relationship that seems to be enjoyable. This friend happens to be insync with my feelings and allows me to talk often about the lose. I am fortunate to have her in my life now. Unfortunately she is 2000 miles away in another state. can this be a good situation and is this the right feelings to have?

    • Rohan Diddly says:

      If they are your feelings then they are right! Perhaps distance is good at this stage but may become challenging.. Good Luck with you!

  • Brandy says:

    I met this guy and shortly after ,his wife passed away . The were their first loves kiss Ect. We really like each other but , he keeps saying he feels guilty and goes back and fourth between I want to date you then let’s just be friends and I want to come see you but I don’t want to hurt my wife . Help ? What do I do ? I really like him and he likes me as well . How do I get him to understand he’s not hurting her ? It’s been a little over a year since she passed and we don’t live in the same state.

  • Yvonne Jackson says:

    I was with this man for 14 years he helped me raised 12 of my grandchildren and we also end up getting engaged to be married we decided on getting married in 2016 and I thought he was just joking because you do that a lot but suddenly December of 2015 he had a heart attack he stayed home then in January 2016 he had a massive heart attack and died I save a loan for a year-and-a-half and my friends just took me out and talk to me and I never wanted to date again I got lonely and I asked him let’s just stay for a little while we end up dating and falling in love and now we are engaged to be married so never close your heart to love again because you never know when the love of your life is there for you

  • Lydia Kairanya says:

    Widows go through a lot

  • jim says:

    my wife passed 4 years ago this month, and i have thought about a new relationship but i don’t know how to go about it, thinking anything i might say, women now days may think i’m sexually harassing them. but i do find myself interested in a woman half my age and she’s likewise interested. is that wrong to feel that way, i would just like to know..

  • Anna says:

    I’ve just started dating a guy who only lost his wife 8 months ago I actually thought he’d been on his own for 16 months .we get in really well we laugh together it’s really nice . last week he had a couple of bad days and i got a text saying that he wasn’t good and that maybe he’s not ready.he told me he was going to see his counselor and talk about things but before he’d even went I got a call from him asking was I coming up to see him for the weekend of course I said yes we had a great weekendwe do enjoy each other’s company.im just concerned that it’s to Quick for him to be moving on and now it’s like I’m grieving with him because I cry when we have to leave each other because he’s by myself in the house and I really feel for him .. sorry if I’m rambling but I’m falling in love with this guy is appreciate your feedback

  • HR says:

    I am young, 36, compared to most widows. I lost my husband, father of my 3 kids, 4 months ago. He was only 38. I believed we had a long life together. Heck most of our dreams were still brand new. We fought often, every single day lol. I believe it’s because of his underlying health issue that he never wanted to address. Overweight diabetic alcoholic. I know he loved me and he knew it to. He lived for his kids. We had wonderful compatibility and shared a lot of interest. I hope to one day when all I.S a little calmer to find a man that I can share something of the like with. I know there’s a chance he may never know me like my husband did but I also know that it is a possibility.

  • Bill says:

    I was seeing a widow friend (we are both 75) for about a year by having breakfast, lunches or dinners.
    We seemed to hit it off pretty well. And I really thought In had found a great companion to ease the loneliness of our remaining time.
    She has been a widow form 12 years and I had been a widower for 2 years.
    After a nice dinner, we held hands walking to the restaurant.
    I took her home, hugged her and kissed her goodnight. We had kissed goodnight before. Everything seem good.Two days later I called to say hello and see how she was.
    Out of the blue, she said I can’t do this relationship, don’t call, don’t come over.
    Needless to say I was hurt but terribly confused.

  • Sue says:


    I am hoping someone is able to help me through some thoughts.

    I am in a committed relationship to a widow who lost his wife 3 years ago. They were together 34 years. We started dating about 1 1/2 after her passing. I moved into his new home. There is a memorial website for her that I came across. I saw that he posted a comment, “Happy Birthday my love…miss you daily, looking forward to joining you to continue our beautiful love.”

    My question(s) is this…
    Why do I feel like I am the “other” woman?

    Why does he feel he needs to put this Happy Birthday message on a public site, that family and friends see and know we are together? This makes me feel like I don’t matter. But, then I go back to the securities we have in place for each other and then I think I am over thinking it.

    We have established a family trust, I am on title to the house, he treats me good, we have good communication and when I ask him if he is happy with our relationship, he says “yes and that he loves me.”

    Why does he feel he needs to post this on this website? She can’t see it…but everyone else does.

  • Alan says:

    I am recently widowed and while I occasionally breakdown, I am excited about living the rest of my life (this feeling leaves me with a feeling of some guilt). My wife’s sister who absolutely clings to deceased family values years after they have passed away would certainly disapprove of me getting involved with another woman, she would see it as disrespectful to her sister. I say to myself what you have commented on above ’till death do us part’.
    My wife said to me during her illness ‘don’t be alone, your too nice’. I am 47 and have a lust for life and I am certainly going to live it. I think about how I would feel if I met someone. The initial thought is, I will measure the person I meet against my wife.. I am afraid of that happening because I will never meet someone if that feeling resides with me.. Any advice?

  • Austin says:

    So this is a little different but anyways here goes. My girlfriend and I were seniors in high school. We’d grew up together and were best friends before we went into a relationship. I’d just asked her to our senior prom about five hours before she died in an automobile accident and it was three days until our year anniversary. She was my first girlfriend and I was devasted. It’s been almost a year and a half now since that all happened and I’m trying to go into a new relationship with a girl who likes a lot of the same things as I do but the whole time I’ve thought about going into this relationship, all I’ve been able to think about was my girlfriend and I don’t want to hurt this girl or bring any unwanted baggage into this relationship. Any advice would be appreciated.

  • Sulyvan says:

    Oh the struggle is real. Widowed after a 37+ year marriage to my high school sweetheart, I am thinking I am ready to move on but deal with the ‘what-if’s.” Praying for God to just put that special someone for ‘chapter 2″ in my life. After being committed on one person all these years, it is strange to think about all the aspects of dating, kissing, touching another…and at my age. Yet… If I live another 30 years..sure would be nice to have someone to share it with. Checked out ‘Our-time.com” and not so impressed so far. Thanks for a helpful article.

  • Cheryl says:

    Hi, I am in a “friendationship” with a guy who lost his wife March of 2017. We started off talking on the phone for about 3 months before he got the courage to see me. It was magic for both of us after 40 years. He continued to invite me over take me to the movie’s and so forth. I knew he was very uncomfortable and having a hard time inviting another woman in his home that he shared a life with his wife for 30 years so I didn’t rush him, instead I supported him with genuin friendship. It is now approaching one year and he is still having a hard time coping with his wife’s death, so much that he has literally pushed me away and conversation is limited. He feels comfortable texting me most of the time and I talk to him maybe 2 to 3 times a week on the phone. While all of this is going on my feelings for him has grown tremendously. We recently had a conversation about dating too soon I I told him that I understood how he felt but I also told him that he was not the only one involved here. He got a little upset with me and told me that if I understood how he was feeling then I would not be asking questions but I told him that I was having feelings for him but I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t having any expressive feelings for me but he likes having me around, I kind of feel like I’m being a leaning post and forget my feelings. Please tell me what is happening and tell me if I should back off of him and put my feelings and emotions to the side. I don’t want to push him I thought that I gave him plenty of time to sort out his feelings for me. Please tell me if I’m wrong and I should allow him more time to grieve. I also thought it was selfish of him to want to start a relationship and stop right in the middle of it all to concentrate on his feelings and not consider my feelings….

  • Guy Ferrone says:

    Miy precious beautiful wife Connie and I were married for 48 years. I met her through her cousin when she was just 14 years old. We dated for 7 years before our marriage. Connie was and still is my whole world. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on March 18, 2017 and lost her fight with this horrible illness on January 22nd 2018. I just can’t let go nor do I want to. Someone has come into my life after losing her husband to the same illness. Though she says she loves me, it could be her loneliness that is affecting her. We live hundreds of miles apart. However she is going to visit me in a few weeks. The thought of being with another woman is having an affect on me believing my wife is still and will always be with me as God intended.

  • Bill Butler says:

    I am 69 as of September 11 2018. My Wife of thirty years Died June 18, 2018. A friend and I have found we had the same feelings towards each other. We are planning to live together for whatever time we both have left and I for one plan on making it to 100! She is vibrant and alive. We like so many of the same things. She is single and now so am I. I look forward to this new chapter. And yes the Vows were kept my me and my wife for thirty years. I found a letter simply addressed to “The one of that is Dead”. My wife was wise. It says that it is unknown at the time of the letter writing which of us is reading this. Then it goes on to say that it the right and good healthy thing for a living breathing Human Being to love and be loved. Be it one day or years when you find that love hold on tight and move on. I am doing exactly what the love of life told me to do. And yes, I now love two wonderful people at the same time. Thank you God for this beautiful life and for sending me two of your Angels to love and they me. Amen

  • Maropie says:

    I’ve lost my soul mate 5 years ago. I don’t know how to interact with another man. I was 13 when I met my hubby married at 20 and lost him when I was 44. So how to I even start or where do I start.. I need to interact..