The five stages of grief — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance — are the most famous framework for loss in the world, and also the most misunderstood. Here is the key thing to know up front: Elisabeth Kübler-Ross never intended them to be a rigid, universal sequence that every grieving person marches through in order. She developed them from interviews with dying patients, not the bereaved, and later stated plainly that they were never meant to be linear. Understanding what the stages really are — and are not — can free you from the harmful feeling that you are grieving “wrong.” This article explains their true origin and what modern research says.
Key Takeaways
- The five stages come from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s 1969 book On Death and Dying.
- They were based on terminally ill patients, not grieving survivors — a crucial and often-forgotten distinction.
- Kübler-Ross herself said they are “not stops on some linear timeline” and not everyone experiences all of them.
- Research has not confirmed grief moves through fixed, universal stages. One study found only 11% followed the expected trajectory.
- Grief is messy and individual — there is no “correct” order or schedule.
Where the Five Stages Came From
In 1969, Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross published On Death and Dying, drawing on her work with more than two hundred terminally ill patients. Her five stages described patterns she observed in people who were facing their own deaths — not in family members grieving a loss. Over the decades that followed, the model was borrowed, simplified, and applied to bereavement in a way she never originally intended, as the McGill University Office for Science and Society has documented.
Here is what each stage was meant to describe:
| Stage | What It Describes |
|---|---|
| Denial | Shock and disbelief; “this can’t be happening” |
| Anger | Frustration and the search for something or someone to blame |
| Bargaining | “What if” and “if only” — trying to negotiate a different outcome |
| Depression | Deep sadness as the reality of the loss sinks in |
| Acceptance | Coming to terms with the reality, not necessarily being “okay” with it |
The Big Misunderstanding
The damage done by the popular version of the five stages is that it turned a loose description into a prescription. People began to believe grief should proceed neatly from denial to acceptance, and that getting “stuck” or feeling things out of order meant they were failing. Research does not support this. A widely cited 2002 study by George Bonanno found that only about 11% of bereaved people actually followed the assumed grief trajectory. Real grief loops, skips, doubles back, and varies enormously from person to person.
“The five stages… were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. Not everyone goes through all of them or goes in a prescribed order.”
— Elisabeth Kübler-Ross & David Kessler, On Grief and Grieving (2004)
What Grief Actually Looks Like
Modern grief research paints a more honest and, I think, more compassionate picture. In my years of walking alongside bereaved people, I have never once seen grief follow a tidy five-step line. Instead, what I see looks more like this:
- Emotions arrive in waves, not stages, often triggered by reminders
- People move back and forth between feelings, sometimes in a single day
- There is no fixed endpoint called “acceptance” where grief is finished
- Everyone’s grief is unique to them, their loss, and their relationship
If the five stages resonate with your experience, that’s fine — use them. But if they don’t, please don’t add “grieving wrong” to your burden. There is no wrong way.
Frequently Asked Questions
Are the five stages of grief real?
They describe real emotions many people feel, but not a fixed sequence everyone goes through. Kübler-Ross herself said they were never meant to be linear, and research does not support them as universal stages.
Do you have to go through all five stages to heal?
No. Many people never experience some of the stages, or feel them out of order, or cycle through repeatedly. Healing does not require completing a checklist.
Why are the five stages so popular if they’re misunderstood?
They offer a simple, memorable map for something overwhelming, which is comforting. The problem is when the map is treated as a rigid rulebook rather than one lens among many.
If not stages, then how should I think about grief?
Many clinicians find it more helpful to think of grief as coming in waves, or as something you gradually grow around, rather than a linear process with a finish line.
Dr. Heidi Horsley is a licensed psychologist, adjunct professor at Columbia University, and co-host of the Open to Hope podcast. After losing her 17-year-old brother Scott in a car accident, she has dedicated her career to helping bereaved families find hope after loss. This article is for education and is not a substitute for individual mental health care.
