Death is the eternal mystery, a mystery

that fills our souls with both awe and terror.

The consequences of the death of one’s

mother is not like any other ordeal in life.

Daughters are often faced with resurrecting

a new life without a road map, catapulted

upon the ruins that remain while enduring

indescribable emotional pain. Based on

my experience of my mother’s death, and

the shared narratives with other daughters

I have spoken with, this journey is both

courageous and terrifying.

Grief is often a taboo topic, and many

women (and men) in mourning are

not only distraught but feel alone and

disconnected. Constructing a life

with meaning, that is psychologically

sound, is empowering, especially

when daughters feel abandoned and

hopeless after their mother’s death. It

is a myth that during grief you need to

“let go” of your loved one because the

unwavering connection crosses the

spiritual realms and continues after

death.

This eternal bond is boundless, infinite,

and everlasting because it is the energy

of love, and love cannot be destroyed

or lost. Although their physical presence

is removed, the bond can never be

taken away. When I speak to skeptics,

I often cite Dr. Albert Einstein’s theory

that “energy cannot be created or

destroyed; it can only be changed from

one form to another.”

KÜBLER-ROSS MADE A MISTAKE

Clinicians can offer great comfort,

psychological understanding, and

support for daughters. When they blindly

adopt Dr. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’s stages of

grief as the only model, they contribute to the

lack of acknowledgment that grief belongs

to the griever, and it is a sacred act of love.

The respected work of Dr. Kübler-Ross’s

many stages, although compelling, does not

depict the actual stages of grief despite the

fact it is universally accepted as the model.

Grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression,

and acceptance has been the universal gold

standard, but it negates the fact that every

person has their own experiences with grief,

which may or may not mirror those stages.

More importantly, those stages should not be

used as a checklist of dictated emotions that

grievers should use to judge how they are

doing. These stages may bring comfort to

those who want validation for their feelings,

but I believe it is a false analysis. Reducing

the multilayered grief process to five words

does a disservice.

Daughters may feel as if they are not

experiencing the grief process correctly if

they do not travel through these stages or,

even worse, they remain stuck in one of those

stages. It is insulting because it is formulaic

and reductionist. It does not acknowledge my

experiences or yours.

Grief is a dance, and we may also feel

guilt, sadness, lack of interest in our lives,

joy, and celebration. Dr. Kübler-Ross also

never mentions any occurrence of visions,

dreams, or other signs that the bereaved

may experience. The point I am making is

that you cannot quantify how you should feel

or will feel. The wisdom of suffering that one

learns during grief is formidable wisdom, and

one learns what truly matters in life when

someone you love is taken away.

After the death of her mother, writer Ada

McVean wrote in 2019 an insightful article

stating that Dr. Kübler-Ross’s model “is

not science based, does not describe well

most people’s experiences, and was never

meant to apply to the bereaved.”1

According to McVean’s research, Dr.

Kübler-Ross created this model after she

interviewed two hundred dying patients to

learn about their psychological beliefs

about death and that this model was not

based on empirical or systematic

investigations but a collection of case

studies. What I think is compelling is

that her research, although merited,

did not consist of interviewing those

who had lost loved ones but was

based on those who were facing death,

and those populations are very

different. McVean ends her article with

sound advice.

There is not a “right way” to grieve.

There is not a “wrong way” to grieve.

And I hope that when you experience

grief you can take some small comfort

in knowing that however you are

feeling is just fine.2

THE DANGER OF LABELING GRIEF AS A MENTAL ILLNESS

In March of 2022, the newest disorder

to be added to the Diagnostic and

Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

(DSM), a publication of the American

Psychiatric Association, included

prolonged grief disorder. They defined

this “disorder” as “intense yearning or

longing for the deceased (often with

intense sorrow and emotional pain).”3

Adding further insult to those in deep

grief, clinicians could bill insurance

companies for the treatment

of this “disorder,” and pharmaceutical

companies now had further permission

to manufacture drugs that grievers

would now” need.” This addition was

not without controversy, and Joanne

Cacciatore, an associate professor of

32

social work who is an expert on the grief

experience, stated:“When someone who is

a “expert” tells us we are disordered and

we are feeling very vulnerable and feeling

overwhelmed, we no longer trust ourselves

and our emotions. To me, that is an

incredibly dangerous move, and short

sighted.”4

When someone is unable to function at all

for long periods of time or threatens to

harm themselves, they need professional

care, and in this case, I am not referring to

those circumstances. If you are interested

in reading more, there is an abundance

of materials on PubMed and in the DSM

online.

Grief Is Not Pathological

Daughters who are grieving after one year

or “long for” their mothers are at risk of

being labeled and medicated. The only

boon would be for pharmaceutical

companies to help psychiatrists medicate

their patients when these daughters are

not mentally ill but experiencing deep grief

Grief is not a mental illness or a pathology

but a natural process. The grief process

will include intense longing for your mother

and the physical separation from her often

creates emotional distress. These are

natural human responses and not a

mental disorder. Many research papers on

grief characterize this normal experience

as problematic if grief does not resolve

within a year. This is just ridiculous. I

wonder if the authors have ever lost a

beloved. Find support, allow yourself to

mourn, and reach out for help when you

need it.

WHO DECIDED THIS DIAGNOSIS AND WHY

The financial conflict that surrounds this

diagnosis and the task force that created

the initial diagnosis for prolonged grief

disorder in 2012 is alarming because

69 percent of the members of the task

force reported financial relationships with

pharmaceutical companies.5 There is a

justification for prescription drugs when

they are needed, and they can be

beneficial. I do not believe drugs are an

antidote for grief, but I know they can often

help some women to ease their distress.

Antidepressants and antianxiety

medications are the usual pharmaceuticals

chosen by clinicians who may not know that

natural therapies can also assist.

Homeopathy, naturopathy,

acupuncture, nutraceutical support,

massage, and energetic practices are very

valuable. If your clients choose to work with

any type of integrative medicine practitioner,

naturopath, or energy healer, tell them to

seek out those who are clinically trained

and have credentials. It is wise for grievers

to resist the urge to self-medicate because

all medications, including natural remedies,

have side effects. It is always prudent to work

with someone you trust who also possesses

the proper qualifications.

~Taken from an excerpt from The Eternal Bond