What Grief Illiteracy Has Taught Me

Losing Andrea irrevocably altered my life most profoundly. Child-loss changes the course of one’s life forever. My world is a different place, and I am not the same person I was before. There’s the deep personal pain that words are unable to touch, but there’s also something else I didn’t expect: the way the world responded. Or didn’t.

In the months after Andrea died, I learned that many people don’t know how to deal with Grief, especially when it’s not their own. I call it grief illiteracy: the widespread discomfort, avoidance, and misunderstanding around what it means to grieve. We live in a world that is eager to celebrate success and growth, but uncomfortable when it comes to Grief.

Saying the Wrong Thing

People mean well, but they don’t know what to say, so they say the wrong thing—or nothing at all. Others offered quick-fix clichés, such as “everything happens for a reason” or “she’s in a better place.” About six months after losing Andrea, I was in a grocery store. I was in my “Grief daze” and doing what I needed to do: getting food.

I met a neighbor who greeted me with the usual general conversation and then informed me about an accident in the area that took the lives of an entire family. She then added, “At least you only lost one person.” My reaction led me to say goodbye, and I exited the store in a state of distress. I experienced raging anger with a complete grief crash.

I am sure the intention was innocent, but it is an example of societal and Grief illiteracy. Grief isn’t a problem to be solved or a weakness to overcome; it’s a natural part of the human experience. It’s a reality that I live every day. My love is forever, as is my Grief.

Grief Illiteracy a Silent Epidemic

Society is lacking in the appropriate language and tools to deal with Grief, and it is a silent epidemic. It leaves grieving people isolated just when they need connection the most. People avoid speaking about Grief because it is uncomfortable. It leaves a silent pressure for the grieving to “move on.” Grief doesn’t follow a timeline. It is not to be compartmentalized and dealt with at a later time. It’s not a project with milestones. Grief is unique, and the journey is different for each person. It lingers, it morphs, it returns. It is forever.

The avoidance that society gives makes people view their Grief as a personal failure, lacking strength rather than a normal human response. When friends change the subject or coworkers walk on eggshells, the grieving person feels isolated and alone in their pain.

Once the flowers wilt, the honor and celebration are over; the calls slow down or come to a halt, and the griever is left quiet. Not because people don’t care, but because they don’t know how to deal with Grief. The rebuilding of life after loss is a time-consuming process, and it is a lifelong journey that does not end with the funeral or celebration of life.

No Preparation for Loss

The concept of Grief is universal, and the specific way people express it can vary. In many Western cultures, Grief is avoided, while Eastern cultures consider death a natural part of life. Many cultures prize strength, independence, and positivity. Grief doesn’t fit that mold.

We lack education, which leads to misunderstandings and ineffective support. Most people only learn about Grief when they’re in the midst of it, and by then, they’re overwhelmed and lacking the tools to help navigate it. We have all worried about making Grief worse by speaking up. Most people fear saying the wrong thing, so silence often feels safer. But silence can be the loudest kind of abandonment.

Grief illiteracy isn’t just awkward, it is damaging. It makes the grieving feel alone in their pain and feel guilty for still hurting. But Grief is not a weakness or flaw; it’s a reflection of love. If we want to be a society that genuinely cares for each other, we have to do better. That starts with education and empathy.

Confronting Grief Illiteracy

We need to normalize Grief by talking more openly about it. We are increasing awareness about mental health, and Grief should be next. Media, workplaces, and schools can all play a role in making Grief a normal topic, not a taboo. Grief support should be as accessible as any other health service.
We talk about wellness and productivity. Let’s also talk about loss. Let’s normalize pain, not hide from it.

We need to increase Grief resources, such as hotlines and online platforms that enable people to connect, share, and heal together. Safe places where the grieving person can feel comfort and understood.

People need to stop imposing timelines and expecting others to “get over it” by a certain point. Grief is profoundly personal, and there is no “one size fits all.” I will grieve Andrea until my last breath; our love will echo forever. Love is eternal and needs to be recognized. That’s not failure. That’s love in another form.

Don’t be afraid to say their name. One of the greatest gifts is simply hearing Andrea’s name. It is music to my soul. She existed. She mattered and still does. Don’t be afraid to share your thoughts out loud. Some of my most heartwarming moments are when I attend a book signing and people comment on my picture of her, saying, “She is beautiful.” Please share a memory or a story. Whether I smile or cry, recognition of my daughter validates her importance and my pain of loss.

Grief doesn’t end after the funeral. It is not a linear process; it is unique and varies from person to person. The person grieving needs you to show up and keep showing up. The real work starts after the initial support fades. Check in and offer to run errands, bring food, and assist with childcare. Don’t expect a grieving person to ask for help; they are too absorbed in emotional trauma to formulate thoughts. Grief is exhausting.  

Becoming Grief Literate

You don’t need to “fix” someone’s Grief. Just show up and listen without judgment. Presence and support matter more than perfect words. It is essential to be empathetic, present, and understanding. They’re less likely to suffer in silence, turn to harmful coping mechanisms, or spiral into prolonged isolation. And when it’s our turn to grieve—and it will be—we’ll be glad to live in a world that knows how to hold space for that.

A grief-literate society isn’t just kinder—it’s healthier. When people feel seen and supported during their Grief, they heal more effectively. We can’t eliminate loss, but we can stand alongside one another and build a culture with honesty, courage, and care.

I will never stop missing Andrea. That’s not something I need to “get over.” It’s part of how I carry her forward. But what I hope is that her absence, and what it has taught me, can help others be more human with each other.

Grief isn’t contagious but love and compassion are.

Linda Henderson is the author of Amazon.com: The Road of Love & Hope: The Journey of Child Loss eBook : Henderson, Linda: Kindle Store

Read more by Linda: The Lessons of Grief – Open to Hope

 

 

Linda Henderson

My name is Linda Henderson, and I am a retired nurse, an author, and a bereaved mother. On Dec. 20, 2011, a horrific car accident claimed the life of my 27-year-old pregnant daughter, leaving behind her 2-year-old son. The driver who caused the crash walked away a free man due to prosecution error, compounding my devastation. Her sudden and tragic death left my world shattered, and I lived with grief for many years. Dealing with PTSD, depression, anxiety, fears, anger, and much more for nearly a decade gave me the determination to turn my pain into purpose. I wrote and published my book, "The Road of Love & Hope, " about child loss and grief. My new mission was to reach people in the grieving community to provide inspiration, hope, and empowerment. Determined to increase my knowledge about grief, I received certificates in Professional Grief & Bereavement, Coping with Child Loss, and Grief And Bereavement Counselling. I am a member of " The Bereavement Ontario Network. I have guested on many podcasts to share my story of hope and provide education about grief. Writing has become therapy for me, and I have written several articles on various online platforms and am currently working on my next book. I aim to be a beacon of hope for those navigating the grief journey. I am honored when I receive positive feedback, such as a woman who highlights portions of my book for her daily journey. My new motto is: "Embrace the Moments, Cherish the memories, and hope for tomorrow." "Grief is forever because love is forever, but life has to be lived, even amidst the pain. There is hope, even in the darkness".

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