Pregnant After My Mother’s Death

I woke up screaming, as if I’d had a nightmare, only to realize this is my new reality. Screaming, crying, breathless, heart aching so deeply, I’m not sure it will ever heal. My stomach in knots feeling like I could puke or poop myself at any moment.

My mom is dead. My dad and I found her yesterday. Today is my birthday. FUCK THIS! I don’t ever want to celebrate this day again. I can’t even think about eating, my world in shambles. Oh, by the way, I’m pregnant with my first child, not even sure how far along. Living with my parents to finish my first home. I haven’t even told anyone about my pregnancy except my significant other.

My mind is racing at 100 at all times. Wondering, how am I going to do this? What happens during pregnancy? Will I be a good mom? How will I get by without my mom?

Eerie Funeral

Just 24 hours ago, I called my mom, having a meltdown, asking her ‘where are you?’ Now realizing, I will NEVER be able to call my mom again. What an eerie realization, especially to a newly pregnant first-time mom.

The next days are an extreme blur, but I will never forget how your life feels so stuck still, planning a funeral, while the rest of the world goes on. How people don’t know how to act around you, what to do or say. When just holding space to be is the only thing that you need.

I had my first ultrasound and appointment, finding out I’m 12 weeks, the day before my mom’s funeral. My sister-in-law knew I had some sort of appointment and didn’t want me to be alone, insisting that her or my brother go.

A Million Firsts without Her

But I refused. It was something I felt I needed to do alone; I just wanted my mom. I knew this was the beginning of a million firsts without her. It broke me. Of all the times a girl needs her mom, especially when she’s becoming one herself. I decided to put the u/s picture in a bow frame with a bunny in a bag, to share the news with my dad, brother, sisters-in-law, nieces, and nephews. I already had these things because I knew someday, I was going to be a mom.

We were going to have breakfast at my parents alone before the funeral, but my aunts and other invited themselves. So, we decided to let them meet at the house and we would all meet out to eat, to have just immediate family time before this horrid event. I was hoping the news would bring some light and positivity to our lives that day.

When I read my speech at the funeral, it hit deeper reading about how I’ll never get the opportunity to share pregnancy and motherhood with my mom. I’m only 28 years old; I should have a long time left with my mom. I don’t know that my siblings understand my envy/jealousy of sharing their children with our mom. I will never get that chance.

Read more on Open to Hope: Pregnant After Your Mother Has Died – Open to Hope