Grief is Not a Neat Package
I hate grieving.
There. I said it.
A part of me did, actually. The part that abhors the tears I shed while writing this book.
But I am not the only one with parts. Your soul comes prepackaged with them too. Have you noticed the maelstrom of reactions following your loss? Perhaps maintaining concentration has been hard, as your mind keeps slipping to memories of the deceased or fears about tomorrow. Your digestive system feels wonky. Reminders of your loss spur shame, guilt, perhaps even both. Maybe you avoid crying at all costs. These are some of the ways your parts might have expressed themselves.
Grief Disrupts
Grief intrudes differently into our existence. Did you sense death’s steady cadence as cancer colonized your sweetheart bit by bit? Or did the grave ambush someone you loved? My initiation to the world of grieving fit the latter category. On July 2, 2018, I waved goodbye to my parents as they boarded a jet to Jakarta, Indonesia, after spending their summer stateside. My dad died less than two weeks later.
Elizabeth Kübler-Ross postulated grief as passing in five stages—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, On Death and Dying). Prior to her own death, however, Kübler-Ross clarified her position: “[The stages] were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss” (Elizabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler, On Grief and Grieving, 7).
Even with her own admission, and even though the scientific community has debunked the stage theory of grief, many still cling to the stubborn belief that grieving progresses in a tidy trajectory (Mary Lamia, Grief Isn’t Something to Get Over). But prescribing the same neat steps for mourners everywhere is as realistic as restricting every Disneyland visitor to only a handful of rides, with a specific order to boot.
Grief Follows Culture
Truth is, many factors determine how we approach loss. Our psychological composition, faith tradition, family background, culture, and upbringing all play significant roles. Whether we have fully dealt with prior losses can also determine how our current grief fares. If we repressed or glossed over past losses, for example, the current emotional load might tip us over—which might then activate the impulse to get high, work overtime, super-spiritualize grief, or engage in other strategies to smother our emotions.
Our history with the deceased and circumstances around that death will also influence how we grieve. An abused teenager is unlikely to mourn her stepfather’s death; and if her mother was clueless about his harmful behavior, the mother’s grief might incite her to lash out at the teen for appearing aloof. The grandkids whose grandmother spoiled them before dementia took over might be wrecked with sorrow. But their mother—who quit her job to take care of her mom—might feel secretly relieved to be liberated from heavy caretaking responsibilities.
Regardless of how others do it, you are free to mourn in your own way. The same goes for each part of your soul.
A scent, a melody, a specific time of day, something someone says—anything can trigger your grief. Please make room for your feelings when these tender moments materialize. Rather than avoiding them, how about viewing the loss in your life as an invitation to venture into your internal world, where emotions reside?
Excerpted from Grieving Wholeheartedly by Audrey Davidheiser. Copyright (c) 2025 by Audrey Davidheiser. Used by permission of InterVarsity Press. www.ivpress.com
Read more on Open to Hope: Illusion of Truth in Grief Journeys – Open to Hope
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Dr. Audrey Davidheiser (www.aimforbreakthrough.com) is a licensed psychologist in California, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now provides IFS therapy for trauma survivors, including those with religious trauma, and assists in IFS trainings. She has been a regular writer for Crosswalk.com and columnist for iBelieve.com. Her book on how IFS helps the grieving process, Grieving Wholeheartedly, is published by InterVarsity Press in July 2025. Follow her on Facebook and Instagram @DrAudreyD.