There is a particular invisibility to grieving a best friend. The cards go to the family. The bereavement leave goes to the spouse. The condolences go to the parents and children. And you — the person who knew them maybe longer than anyone, who carried their secrets, who showed up at every milestone — are left holding a grief the world doesn’t quite know how to acknowledge.
If you have lost a best friend, please know: your grief is real. The friendship was real. The loss is real. And you are not “too far down the list” to deserve compassion.
For more than two decades, my mother, Dr. Gloria Horsley, and I have walked alongside thousands of bereaved people through Open to Hope. Friendship grief is one of the most underestimated forms of bereavement we encounter — and one of the most worthy of honest care.
Why Best Friend Grief Is So Often Overlooked
The American Psychological Association increasingly recognizes “disenfranchised grief” — bereavement experiences that the broader culture does not fully validate. Best friend grief is one of the most common forms of disenfranchised grief because:
- You are not on the official “grief hierarchy” (immediate family)
- You are often not included in funeral planning
- You may not be granted bereavement leave at work
- The wider culture has no language for friend-bereavement
- Your shared history may be invisible to your friend’s family
- Mutual friends may handle the loss differently and pull away
If any of that is part of your experience, you are not alone. The grief is real even when the recognition is not.
7 Ways to Grieve a Best Friend
1. Name the Loss as Real
The first step is letting yourself believe your grief is allowed. You are not being dramatic. You are not “overreacting.” You lost someone who knew you in ways most people never will. That loss deserves real grief.
2. Create Your Own Ritual of Remembrance
Because cultural rituals around friendship grief are thin, many bereaved friends create their own:
- Light a candle on their birthday
- Visit a place that was part of your friendship
- Watch a movie they loved, eat a meal they loved
- Write them letters in a journal
- Wear a piece of jewelry that reminds you of them
- Mark the anniversary of their death with an annual ritual
The ritual doesn’t have to be public. It has to be yours.
3. Talk About Them Without Apology
One of the most healing things you can do in friend bereavement is keep your friend’s memory in active conversation. Share photos. Tell stories. Use their name. (See How to Help a Grieving Friend: 12 Things to Say — many of the principles apply when you are the bereaved friend, too.)
4. Find Community That Understands
Reach out to other people who loved your friend. Mutual friends. Their family. Their coworkers. Grief is easier when shared, and friendship grief especially benefits from shared rituals among people who loved the same person.
If you are the only one in your immediate circle who carried this depth of friendship, look for grief groups that welcome friend-bereavement. Many do.
5. Ask to Be Included
If you have the standing, ask your friend’s family if you can be part of the funeral, the memorial, or the planning. Many bereaved families are deeply grateful to know that a best friend wants to honor the person they also loved.
If asking feels intrusive, write a letter. Send a memory. Share a photo. Your love for their family member matters to them.
6. Allow All the Feelings
Friendship grief can include surprising emotions: anger at the family who didn’t include you, jealousy of the recognition spouse or parents get, guilt for feeling that anger, exhaustion from holding it all without much support.
All of it is normal. None of it makes you a bad friend.
7. Be Patient With Yourself at Work
The cultural failure to recognize friendship grief means most employers do not offer bereavement leave for a friend’s death. Take the time anyway if you can. Use vacation days. Ask for a few days to recover. Your grief is real even if the policy doesn’t say so. (For more on returning to work after a loss, see Returning to Work After a Loss.)
A Word About Multiple Friend Losses
For those who have lost multiple friends — particularly in tight-knit communities, military groups, the LGBTQ+ community during the AIDS years, or in communities navigating addiction or illness — the cumulative weight of friend bereavement is real and deserves real care. (See Understanding Compound Grief and Ways to Cope.)
A Word for Children Grieving a Friend
When a child loses a friend, their grief is often dismissed or rushed. Children who have lost a friend deserve the same compassion as adults: the language, the rituals, the time, and the recognition. Adults around them can make an enormous difference by simply naming the loss out loud and giving space to grieve.
A Word for Long-Distance Best Friends
If your best friend lived far away and you grieved their death from across the country or across the world, the geographic distance does not make your grief smaller. Long-distance friendship grief carries its own particular ache — the conversations that won’t happen, the visits you’d been planning, the photos you’d been about to share. All of it is real.
Hope on the Other Side
Best friend grief does not disappear. Your friend will remain part of who you are — their humor, their wisdom, their quirks, the inside jokes you’ll keep telling for the rest of your life. That presence stays.
We are with you. The Open to Hope community is with you. And on the other side of this overlooked grief, your friendship is still real.
Dr. Heidi Horsley is a licensed psychologist, adjunct professor at Columbia University, and co-host of the Open to Hope podcast. After losing her 17-year-old brother Scott in a car accident, she has dedicated her career to helping bereaved families find hope after loss.
