Handling Grief Triggers
Triggers are a natural and inevitable part of grieving. It is essential not to avoid them, as not all are negative. When we find ways to prepare and cope with triggers, we are honoring the lives of our precious loved ones.
Triggers are anything that causes the emotions of Grief to transport us back to moments that feel as vivid as the day of loss, reminding us of our weakest point. Triggers creep around every corner and attack without warning.
Have you ever been going about your day — grocery shopping, taking the kids to school, showering, attending appointments, or working —and thought, ‘This is a good day for me’? When, out of nowhere, the anxiety builds, invading every part of the body, and the Grief takes control. The tears start flowing, and the surge of emotions is deep with piercing pain, reminding us that Grief is not a stationary journey.
I have experienced this regularly in my journey of child loss. The unpredictability of Grief attacks means that sometimes I don’t even know what the trigger is. I have often parked in a grocery store parking lot, unable to leave my vehicle, and I have learned to let the waves wash over me until I resurface and breathe. It is by surviving these triggers that I realize that Grief can have some space but does not power over me.
Why Do Triggers Happen?
Grief is not linear; it requires daily work and weaves into the fabric of who we are. Triggers happen because love and loss are forever profoundly connected. The brain links emotions and experiences through a process called associative memory. We are constantly trying to adjust to the absence of our loved ones, and when a trigger happens, it’s like pressing “play” on a memory, reminding us of a life that once was. It awakens the part of us that still longs for their physical presence.
Triggers come in many forms and often appear when we least expect them. Understanding the different kinds of triggers can help us be more prepared, gentle with ourselves, and more intentional with our responses to them.
Our senses are deeply connected to our memories.
- Sight – When we look at pictures, go to a specific place, or see someone who resembles our loved one, we become overwhelmed with emotions. Anything, anywhere, or anyone you see can trigger Grief. I remember seeing a young woman who resembled my daughter, with the same height, body stature, and beautiful, curly, light brown hair, and she even walked like my daughter. When I was able to get to a safe and private place, I crumbled to my knees, and anguish controlled my body for a time.
- Sound – Music is a common trigger when we hear a favorite song, a style of music, children’s voices and laughter, animal sounds, or any sound that stirs a memory and evokes emotions of loss.
- Smell– The scent of perfume, certain foods, the smell of the ocean or rain if they loved thunderstorms. Sometimes, the trigger, as mentioned earlier, can be positive. My daughter enjoyed the scent of Lavender, and I buy hand soaps, body wash, candles, and anything I can with a Lavender scent. I keep her with me, honor her, and enjoy the smell for her.
- Taste – Favorite restaurants, favorite meals, or treats can all remind a person of special memories and trigger Grief.
- Touch – Holding a piece of clothing or something similar to theirs, such as a blanket or pillow that belonged to them, can bring tears and comfort at the same time. Your child’s favorite toy or something they own can trigger memories. Even a hug from someone who reminds you of them can stir emotions.
Handling Date and Time Triggers
We all know that Birthdays, Angelversary (date of loss), and life milestones like wedding anniversaries and graduation can bring a flood of tears with emotions. Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, holidays, traditions, or just about any day on the calendar can be significant triggers in the grieving process.
Seasonal changes can be challenging for people and are unique to your loss. The date of losing my Andrea is Dec. 20, so the Christmas season and this date seem to team up and create chaos with triggers attacking from everywhere. From autumn onwards, moving forward becomes treacherous and requires careful planning.
Triggers are endless; other examples include travel, new relationships, achieving goals others have accomplished, and changes in routine.
Recognizing triggers as a natural part of Grief is essential, not a sign of weakness. Triggers remind us that Grief is not about forgetting. Instead of pushing the feelings away, allow yourself to feel them. Try journalling, naming and identifying the trigger, and accepting the emotions without judgment. Talk to a trusted friend or join a support group. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Feeling triggered does not mean you aren’t healing; you love deeply, and your connection is forever.
Healthy Actions to Handle Triggers
Planning for known triggers can reduce the impact of the trigger. Try to anticipate the triggers so you’re not caught off guard.
Communicate with friends and family to build a support system, making specific dates, places, and events more manageable.
Changing traditions and creating new ones can alleviate the impact of triggers.
Determine what you need and what brings you joy. Engage in self-care by taking a walk, listening to calming music, lighting a candle, or creating something meaningful in their honor. Do you need solitude or the company of others for support?
Set boundaries when needed, be gentle with yourself, and make decisions without guilt or explanation. If a conversation, place, or event is too painful, it’s okay to step away.
Remember to breathe and ground yourself. Use deep breathing techniques (inhale for four, hold for four, and exhale for four). Use your senses for grounding; what do you see? What can you hear?
Appreciation for Triggers
The final step is to appreciate and find meaning in the moment. Appreciation allows you to honor your loved one with a shared deep bond rather than just the pain. Memories are where our loved ones continue to live after they are gone. Suppose we allow the triggers to fill us with warmth and comfort even with the tears.
In time, we remember with love, and the triggers serve as steppingstones in the healing process. Try to reframe the trigger and view it as evidence of eternal love and connection. Honor their memory; instead of saying, “This song is too painful, say, This song reminds me of such beautiful memories.” Allow the trigger not to be a setback but to move you forward in the grief journey.
Read more by Linda Henderson: The Lessons of Grief – Open to Hope
Linda Henderson is the author of Amazon.com: The Road of Love & Hope: The Journey of Child Loss eBook : Henderson, Linda: Kindle Store
