Mother’s Guilt is Inevitable
After the loss of a child, a mother’s guilt is inevitable. There may be things she wishes she had done. There may also be things she wishes she hadn’t done. She may have made serious mistakes that carried grave consequences. She likely feels guilty. If you feel guilt, too, you know what I mean.
In the weeks and months after losing her child, a mother often struggles to be patient with herself. She struggles to forgive herself. She experiences the emotional torture of never knowing if her actions could have changed anything. The uncertainty haunts her as she tries to figure out how to go on living without her child.
It seems unfair that the pain of her loss is amplified by feelings of guilt. She feels alone, imprisoned by grief and doesn’t know where to turn. I feel for her because I was her.
As mothers, we love our children, and we do our best to keep them safe.
We feel a primal obligation and a fierce sense of responsibility to keep them healthy, to keep them safe, to keep them alive. We are evolutionarily wired to protect them to continue as a species.
Pain is Intense
So, when our child’s health fails, or they are hurt, or they die, we are immensely affected. Intense pain washes over us and sends us spinning out of control as we try to make sense of what has happened. We hold our stomachs, grip our chest and drop to our knees because of the intensity of our pain. We feel as though we have failed as parents in protecting our child.
It’s not uncommon to think of the five stages of grief as a linear series of emotions we have to get through to grieve successfully. The first four, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, and Depression are better thought of as fluid feelings that are part of a much larger set of emotions that come and go as they please, like waves that torment us with their unpredictability.
But what about the fifth stage of grief? Acceptance. Acceptance means coming to terms with what has happened and accepting the loss as part of our new reality that we learn to adapt to. To find true acceptance, we must learn how to move past failure and release our guilt.
How Do We Release Our Guilt?
So how do we release guilt? We start with forgiveness. Forgiveness for our actions and inactions. Forgiveness for the actions of others. And, forgiveness for what did and didn’t happen.
Next, we explore why we feel guilty and what makes us feel guilty. We may feel guilty because we believe in our hearts that we have failed. We may feel guilty because we are still here and our child is not. And we may also feel guilty because we hold ourselves to extremely lofty standards. We may feel guilty and not understand why. So, what do we do?
First, we need to remind ourselves that feeling guilty is a natural part of the grief process. This is particularly true when we are grieving our children. Next, we need to ask ourselves the following questions.
- Can we accept our feelings of guilt as natural?
- Can we accept that we may not be perfect?
- Can we accept that we may have failed and still be okay?
- Can we tell ourselves that we did the best we could with the situation we were given?
THIS ACCEPTANCE is the very path we need to release our guilt.
Forgiving Ourselves
Let’s begin by forgiving ourselves for being less than perfect. Let’s begin by forgiving ourselves for our failure in each moment. We can practice forgiving ourselves each time we are reminded of failure. We can practice being gentle with ourselves one moment at a time. And we can practice accepting ourselves as imperfect.
Forgiving ourselves is a practice. Releasing guilt is a practice. It is a practice where we can begin to find some safety and certainty. We can actively choose to participate in this practice each time we are reminded of our guilt. We can acknowledge our guilt as a natural response to grief. And we can begin to forgive ourselves for all the things we should have done.
It takes time but this level of acceptance is possible. There is hope as the pain of our loss begins to lessen to a dull ache to make room for something new.
And, as we practice forgiveness, we learn more about ourselves. And as we learn, we grow. We begin to see ourselves in a new future in a new reality. We grieve. And we feel guilty. We can even find acceptance that our child is forever gone.
In time, as we forgive ourselves, release guilt and find acceptance, we begin to look for ways to move forward with our lives as they are, not as we want them to be. We heal and are healed.
With Love and Prayers,
Catherine
I just can’t let go oh guilt and emptiness
Shirley Cooper- I know what you mean about the emptiness. It’s just this overwhelming crushing numbness.
My feelings of guilt over my daughter’s death are overwhelming. She died as a result of blood clots that were triggered by her use of a combination birth control pill. She was only 20 years old. As her father I feel guilty about not having discussions with her about the contraceptive options that were available to her. She still needed my guidance and I feel like I failed her completely.
My 21 yo son died of an overdose 9 and a half months ago and I am still shocked with the amount of guilt I experience each and every day… what if I would have done this and this and that differently ? It’s strange how this level of guilt feels so incredibly unnatural ~ even though I know it is the norm. Every day I am shocked with a zillion new horrible emotions – even though I go about my regular daily activities. I’m really looking forward to a year from now when I think I will feel more like an actual human being again. He’d want me to be really happy, so that’s exactly what I strive for. He loved me a ton and wouldn’t want his death to define my entire life. XO
This was a great article. Easy to say hard to do, but I’m trying. Each day is a struggle.
I feel guilt many days since my daughter passed 2 months ago. She was young and still under my care. I think, what did I miss that this should happpen? I tried so hard to be a good mother. I feel like I failed many days.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a child is so challenging and processing your grief takes time. Guilt is a normal part of the grief process so please be gentle with yourself. Remember that it’s far easier to look back and say what you could or should have done differently. You loved your child and the depth of the pain you feel is proportional to the love you have. Sit in the pain for as long as you need to but remember to hold onto the life they lived and the love in your heart. I’m time you can let the intensity of your pain go….this is your path and an opportunity to grow in the struggle. How can you best honor your child?
Catherine,
I currently struggle with the grief of losing my beautiful infant son 4 months ago, which still feels like yesterday. At what point were you able to do really let go of your grief to move forward and live an inspired life?
I am too familiar with feeling lost, empty, and confused, etc.
Cynthia Lamar, The struggle is real. You may want to check out my latest blog article at http://www.griefinspired.com. https://griefinspired.com/an-exercise-to-help-release-the-pain-of-loss/
I describe an amazing technique to work through the struggle. Keep the faith and as you process your grief, the struggle will ease.
Shirley Cooper. It’s been a little over six months. I hope that you’ve been able to release the guilt and accept some of the emptiness. The emptiness makes sense since we are each unique. You won’t ever be able to replace your loved one and it is their uniqueness that makes the emptiness even more real. Remind yourself that feeling empty comes with knowing how much you loved them. Fill the emptiness by honoring who they were if you can.
I lost my babygirl at 4 days old on the 29/04/19. She was in the NICU since birth with lung complications. It has been more than a week and the pain is intensifying daily. Apart from dealing with this trauma seeing my husband struggling with daily life is sending me more in a panic. This is our 1st baby at first I was scared about having a baby but when I saw the joy and excitement in my husband’s face for the past 9 months all my insecurities went through the door. I cannot begin to say how much things we and so many other people bought for her. She touched so many lives before she was even born! Tomorrow we are having a pray function for her after which we decided we want to pack up the room and put away the stuff. This I find might be the most daunting task i will ever undertake in life but opening that door everyday is painful. Everyday I bought something for her I dropped the bag in there. We are not going to give away anything it’s just we are putting it in storage. My husband sleeps with her blanket that she was covered with at NICU. I do not know how to move on some days I am good around family members we have alot of support from both sides and some days I feel suicidal. I feel like I am to blame for her demise. My mind constantly races thinking all sorts of things. I found out I was 2 months pregnant last September and I keep thinking what if I did something wrong in that 2 months for her to get a faulty heart. Did I kill her? what if any medication for headaches or sleep I would have taken affected her? Adsitionally I am no user of drugs or alcohol. I feel sick I feel terrible. I feel hopeless. I do not know how to get over this. I feel like am floating threw space. Each ultrasound each test each check up I had showed a healthy baby. She was delivered via c section at 8 lbs. What went wrong ? I dont know. I feel like I am in a bad dream. When would I wake up?
My son died 3 yrs ago of a recurrence of cancer after 7 yrs in remission. His treatments did not help. I feel so guilty for not seeking other doctors’ help when his treatment was failing. His doctor kept the same treatment even though the cancer was spreading. As a physician myself I now feel so much guilt that I should have sought other specialists to help him. My son was a difficult patient to begin with and he was not so truthful to his oncologist about his symptoms. He would be angry at me if I spoke. Now it’s too late. 3 yrs and every now and then this strong feelings of guilt overcomes me. I pray and I’ll try to accept as you say that I am human and I can make mistakes. And I pray that my son has forgiven me.
I lost my 23 yr old son in a bike accident- in another state -he passed away with 40-45 mns and I saw his body in mortuary in another city . Till now I always think how he died -because I never got a clear picture from his friends-he was overtaking a truck. His helmet was intact-he died of shock- two yrs passed- as days pass by I struggle to accept that he is gone.I am a believer and I am strong for every one who see me -inside I am always feeling guilty that I did not fight enough for my son’s life -I I feel guilty that I didn’t pray enough- I feel guilty that I didn’t pray and send him- I feel all alone in this pain, I pray and talk to God and it keeps me going but I feel so heavy with pain- I some times wish someone will talk to me about him-I wish I could talk about him to someone- for everyone it is a past story. I just wish I could join him -I got two more kids -I try to do all I can for them – I would like to see them doing well .
i Lost my girls in house fire. they were 2 nd 4 in 96 i went to the bthroom nd they were down stirs pellet stove never in my mind did i think they would go to it becouse they were never to be round it . we lived in the bsment of my inlws. but the fire strted so fst nd i couldnt find them.i tried so hrd but they wouldnt nswer.my god i m the worst it ws my gurd i ws MOM i m suppose to protect them .But i couldnt.
Hi im grieving my son’s death. He died in such a tramatic way an i feel so guilty. It’s been 3yrs an feels like 3 months to me. I need help i feel suicidal an don’t wanna be here im tired. I have a sibling who is slandering my name saying terrible things like i wasn’t there for my son. He was my best friend i was there for my child an other people’s children! How dare she this makes it worse
Carla, i pray you are alright. My story has similar aspects. I’ve had no family help, a few friends that eventually faded away from my state of not wanting to talk much. I still dont, but pray you found the same peace i too am searching for and that you can one day feel comfort and optimistically speaking, maybe even a little joy.
Thank you for the reminder and gentle guidance. I lost my 23 month old son April 2021 on the country road driveway to my home after he got out of his carseat, while doing my Fulbright abroad. I knew he had gotten out, but we were so close, he was nowhere near the window, his 5 y/o sister was next to him, they seemed safe. I never noticed him fall out. He was still nursing. It still tears me to pieces.
Please help me to accept the things I did wrong . My son was 26 and I think about him everyday . Things I seen but was afraid to ask about. He was angry and I didn’t want to ask to many questions . I blame myself for allowing him to make me agree at times . We both knew we loved each other but sometimes the disrespect hurt so much . I didn’t understand and seek Ed help from my daughter who he would call to talk to. There are things she didn’t know about her brother . He kept hIs battle with street drugs away from us . We didn’t know until he was dead. The people closest to him were also familiar with the streets and drugs .
I lost my son to a rare disease, that required a bone marrow transplant. I was his fulltime caregiver. We had to move to Seattle for his procedure. we were told it would be 4mo’s but ended up being 8months. It s grueling and takes a lot out of the patient. If only I had a crystal ball! I would have done some things different. My son was 27 when he went through the transplant and passed away at age 29yrs. Even though you are told by the BMT staff what to expect, it is much worse! The pt goes through terrible ups and downs and can be close to death at times. When your child isn’t always compliant, you feel like you have to be mother and nurse. Following directions is so vital to survival, and your damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
When we flew back home after he was released, with the expectation he would survive, he started to get worse! “Graft vs host” takes a toll and then there before long, the body can only take so much. (there is so much more to this) I can’t put it all into words. He was finally sent to a “Long term acute hosp.” and he seemed to pull out of it, but that was just a rally. Several days later he passed away. I hold so much guilt from so many different reasons. It had been a couple of days since I had a shower and my sister-in-law suggested I go home and freshen up. I really didn’t want to leave, but I did and he passed way when I left. I just can’t reach any peace… I see all the comments and I know I’m not alone, but you feel like in your own HELL! and no one understands.
I can never forgive myself for my son’s death. I feel guilty for not taking him to the hospital. All the symptoms were there but I didn’t know or understand. I feel like a fool. I only use the crying or temperature of a child to gauge whether or not they are unwell. I didn’t know that if a child eats less or cries less it could be a sign of infection. I went through so much to have this child and God gave me a healthy child only for me to let him die of an infection. What did I do to cause him to have such an infection that only occurs in 2 in every 1000 babies? Why didn’t I take my boy to the hospital? The image of him before his death haunts me forever and the guilt is so intense I don’t think I can live it down. The guilt kills me and it’s crushing my soul. I have to stay alive for the sake of my other child. And I live with the constant fear of if my other child is ok. I took her out of daycare because I don’t want her to pick up any germs. I stay up at night checking her breathing, to make sure she’s ok. I’m so exhausted I feel like I have no life left in me.
I just lost my son to overdose
I feel so empty
I wish I could sleep for ever
But I have a son and granddaughter that needs me
What can I do
I am so happy I found your comfortable words. I added them to my home page and read them everyday. You have no idea how you have been helping me heal my everyday tormenting grief after losing my Son. Thank-you!