The Limitations of “Let Me Know If You Need Anything”
Phrases like “If you need anything, just ask” or “I’m here if you need me” are commonly offered after the loss of a loved one. While often well-intentioned, these words can serve more to relieve the speaker than to provide real help. In my five years running a nonprofit grief support program and listening to participants, I’ve learned that such offers rarely translate into meaningful support. People often say, “I offered to help, but I never heard back,” as though their responsibility ends with the offer.
Why the Bereaved Struggle to Ask for Help
When someone is grieving, they are often overwhelmed, lost, and unsure of what they need both now and in the future. In this state, anticipating needs or reaching out for help is nearly impossible. It’s crucial to educate those who want to support the bereaved: help should be proactive, specific, and based on shared knowledge and experience.
How to Support Those Grieving
If you truly wish to support someone grieving, offer tangible and concrete assistance. Here are ways to provide real support:
- Deliver Groceries: Drop off basic groceries—such as milk, bread, soup, lunchmeat, cheese, and fruit—on a set day. Check for allergies and let them know you’ll simply leave the items at the door unless they’re ready for a visit.
- Send Encouraging Texts: Continue to reach out, especially on significant days like birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, or weddings, which can be especially difficult for those who are grieving.
- Share Resources: Provide information about helpful books, online or in-person support groups, counseling, journals, financial advisors, tax consultants, or attorneys, anything that might be useful now or in the future.
- Assist with Children: Offer help with school drop-off or pick-up, attending kids’ events, or simply being present during holidays.
- Support with Daily Life: For those who have lost a spouse, share recipes, offer practical advice on home maintenance and finances, such as changing furnace filters, oil changes, or paying bills.
- Help with Pets: Buy pet food or offer to walk their pets.
- Yard Work: Mow the lawn or shovel snow as needed.
Creating a Support System
One of the best practices for those grieving is to find a trusted friend to help manage requests. Make a list of current and future needs and have your friend coordinate with others who genuinely want to help. When someone asks what you need, you can direct them to your friend and their list—those who truly wish to support you will reach out, making it easier for everyone involved.
Paying It Forward
If you have received meaningful help, consider sharing your knowledge with others. Our community of grievers benefits when we pass on practical wisdom. Often, people don’t even realize what kind of help they’ll need until the moment arrives. By sharing what you’ve learned, you can provide the kind of support that truly makes a difference.
Learn more about Hope Reger on her website: Grief 2 Hope
Read more on Open to Hope: When Grief Affects Your Mood – Open to Hope
