It is now 8 months since I lost my Darling wife of 36 years and I cry more than I have ever done before(she was 56 years of age when she died after fighting cancer for 2.5 yrs).For me there will never be “closure”
I am so scared for her that perhaps after this life there is no better place
I feel angry that this beautiful person had to die.Even though I have children and
grandchildren who are precious to me and help fill some of the void, I do feel lonely and somehow like a lesser being, my darling made me whole bacause when 2 people love each other they do become one.I can never get rid of this trerrible
loneliness and pain that I feel because it seems like the best part of me has been torn out of my body .
I do feel angry because in the latter years of our life when we could spend more time on the things we loved to do together , this beautiful lady has been cruelly taken away from me.
I do feel angry and sad bacause this person who has always had so much love to give can no longer bring joy and happiness to her children and grandchildren
I do feel angry and sad because in spite of her courage and determination, she still had to succumb to that terrible disease. And dear Lord how sad I feel at the surprise and pain in her beautiful hazel eyes as she gave her last breath, a look which will be seared in my brain forever.
I have gone back to work after 2 or so years of precious time being near my love during her struggle with cancer and I consider it a priviledge that she wanted me near her to share this terrible journey and my only wish during her illness was that I could take take this pain from her and willingly carry it myself .
At work I cope reasonably well because my darling was not part of this environment , but I don’t cope well with social events with family and friends because everything reminds me of the beautiful times we shared together and then for days after these events it hurts like hell and I descend again into that familiar dark place.
I spent all of the first 8 weeks after her death In this dark terrible place, not knowing at all how to deal with this new reality , but now I am out of that phase, I can now cope a little better,but I am far from healed, what makes it worse is that I no longer willingly share my grief with loved ones around me who were affected by her death (and I used to lean on for support) because they are recovering and I don’t want them to hurt all over again, and so this leaves me more isolated.
We shared dreams and plans of the things we could do TOGETHER, -all of this has become meaningless to me and I feel as though I have no useful purpose in life without her. For the sake of my family I will survive of course and try to be there for them, because that’s what my darling would have wanted, but I do so with a terrible aching in my heart.And my Children can see the sadness in my eyes, but there is little I can do.I pray that
I will heal and be stronger as time passes, but dear Lord how I miss Her

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