Memorial Day is the unofficial start of summer for many Americans — barbecues, parades, the first long weekend at the lake. But for those of us who are grieving, the last Monday in May arrives carrying a different weight. It is a national day of remembrance. And remembrance, when your grief is still raw, can feel less like a gentle ritual and more like a wave.
This is true for the families of fallen service members, for whom Memorial Day was made. It is also true for anyone grieving any kind of loss who finds that the public mood of remembrance brings their own private grief rushing back to the surface.
Whatever Memorial Day means to you this year, please know: there is no “right” way to do this day. There is only what helps your heart, and what doesn’t.
For more than two decades, my mother, Dr. Gloria Horsley, and I have walked with bereaved families through Open to Hope. After my brother Scott and cousin Matthew died in a car accident at 17, our family learned, year by year, how to navigate the holidays that show up on the calendar whether we feel ready or not. Below are the strategies that have helped my clients, my listeners, and my own family through navigate their way through Memorial Day.
Why Memorial Day Hits Differently After Loss
Holidays magnify grief. We know this from the research on bereavement and we know it from lived experience. Memorial Day in particular carries a layered emotional charge. The flags, the speeches, the somber news coverage, the ceremonies at cemeteries — all of it is designed to bring loss to the surface. For grievers, that surfacing can be powerful and sacred, or overwhelming and exhausting, sometimes all at the same time.
If you are a Gold Star family member, a surviving spouse, a bereaved sibling, or a parent who has lost a service member, Memorial Day is the day the nation finally turns toward the loss you carry every other day of the year. The intensity of that can be both a comfort and a burden. The Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS) has been a leading resource for military bereaved families for over thirty years, and they have a deep library of Memorial Day support if that is your community.
If your loved one was not a service member, your grief is no less real on this day. Many bereaved people are surprised by how strongly Memorial Day pulls on grief that has nothing to do with the military. Remembrance is remembrance.
8 Compassionate Ways to Cope with Grief on Memorial Day
- Decide Whether to Lean In or Lean Back
Some grievers find healing in fully participating in Memorial Day rituals — visiting the cemetery, attending a ceremony, watching the parade, calling another bereaved family. Others find those same rituals retraumatizing. Neither response is wrong. Decide in advance which version of the day will serve you, and give yourself permission to plan accordingly.
- Create a Personal Ritual
A ritual can be as small as lighting a candle in the morning, saying your loved one’s name, and sitting quietly for a few minutes. It can also be larger: visiting a place that mattered to them, displaying their photograph and military or service memorabilia, sharing their story with someone who never met them.
The point is not the size of the ritual. The point is that you marked the day on purpose.
- Plan the Hard Hours, Not Just the Day
The full day can feel impossible to think about, but the hours often turn out to be the real challenge. The morning. The mid-afternoon when everyone else is at a barbecue. The slow drift toward evening. Plan something soft for each hard window — a walk, a phone call, a movie, a nap. (For more on this, see our practical strategies for holiday survival — the principles apply to Memorial Day too.)
- Say Yes to Connection, Even If It Feels Hard
Bereaved people often pull inward on holidays because it feels safer. Sometimes that’s exactly what you need. But if you have someone in your life who “gets it” — a fellow surviving family member, a grief group, a faith community — let them know you’d like to be in touch on Memorial Day. A single message that says, “Thinking of you and [their name] today” can be enough to anchor a hard hour.
- Be Selective About Social Media
Memorial Day social media is a complicated landscape for grievers. There are beautiful tributes, and there are also cookout photos that can feel jarring. Curate hard. Mute, scroll less, log off. Or share your own remembrance — many grievers tell me that posting about their loved one on Memorial Day was one of the most meaningful things they did all year.
- Honor Yourself, Not Just the Loss
You are doing harder work this Memorial Day than most people realize. Eat the meal you actually want. Cancel the plans that drain you. Take the nap. Self-compassion is not selfish on a day of remembrance — it is part of the remembrance. (For more on hope as a survival skill, see How Grief Becomes Your Greatest Superpower.)
- Do Something in Their Honor
Acts of kindness in your loved one’s name are one of the most healing rituals I know. Donate to a cause they cared about. Buy a stranger’s coffee. Volunteer at a veterans’ organization. Mentor a young person. Memorial Day is a beautiful day to translate love that has nowhere else to go into love that goes back into the world.
- Anticipate the Aftershock
Many grievers find that the day after Memorial Day is harder than the day itself. The adrenaline of getting through the holiday wears off, and the grief settles back in. Plan something for Tuesday too — a slow morning, a check-in with a friend, a walk. (For more on this kind of pacing, see anticipate the anniversary years.)
A Word for Gold Star and Surviving Military Families
If you are grieving a service member, please accept this gesture of care from someone who has spent a career walking beside the bereaved: thank you. Thank you for the love you carried, and the love you keep carrying. Memorial Day belongs to you in a way it belongs to almost no one else, and you do not owe anyone a particular face on this day. Grief, pride, anger, exhaustion, love — all of it is sacred. Lean on the communities that understand, and let the rest of us hold space.
A Word for Anyone Grieving Any Loss
If your person was not a service member but Memorial Day still pulls hard on your heart, that is normal. Loss talks to loss. The country is in an act of public remembrance, and your private remembrance can ride those waves. You are allowed to grieve your loved one on a day that was technically built for someone else’s. Honor them however you wish.
Hope on the Other Side of This Day
Memorial Day will not always feel this heavy. It can soften. It can become a day where pride, gratitude, sorrow, and tenderness sit at the same table without crowding each other out. It can become a day you no longer dread, even if you never stop missing the person you love.
Whatever this Memorial Day looks like for you, please remember to give yourself grace. You are grieving someone you loved with your whole heart on a day designed for remembering.
We are with you. The Open to Hope community is with you. And on the other side of this day, hope is still waiting.
