It is the holiday season, and in those first year or two, the pain of not having my son home for the holidays was overwhelming. What hurt most was his absence—no longer buying him his eight Chanukah gifts, not watching him light his menorah alongside his sister’s, and alongside the family menorah that my wife and I light together.  Going to my in-laws’ home on Christmas was just as difficult, seeing gifts under the tree for everyone except him. Simply knowing he was not there was emotionally draining for us, year after year.  Over the years, this particular pain has eased little by little. What has not eased, however, are the endless invitations we continue to receive from friends, relatives, and associates for joyful gatherings, parties, and events.

Although we are in a much better place mentally now, we grieve for our son every single day. As I tell my friends, I still cry every single day over my son, mostly when I am alone, but yes, every single day there is some trigger I am brought to tears.  We miss him deeply and remain in mourning. As a result, we are not attending many joyous occasions. It is difficult for us to put on a happy face—to laugh and smile—around others who are surrounded by their children, grandchildren, and families, while we are still broken.

I came across a “Mourner’s Pass” some time ago, I really don’t know where or when, and it was on a ragged piece of paper, barely legible, which has been long lost.  When I shared the text with some of my friend who were also bereaved parents, they all loved it and thought it was a great idea.  I then went ahead invested some time, rewrote it a bit, cleaned up the verbiage, added some images, and printed the final product, which finally resulted in a two-sided pass.

The pass basically says thank you, but no thank you, in a very clean, polite worded paragraph.  I have attached a hyperlink below that you can read the Pass for yourself.  It also does not expire, is transferable, and the recipient has to accept the pass without judgement or argument.

Over the years I have offered copies of this pass to those who would like them.  I passed them around at my local bereavement group meetings I attended.  Obviously, I have never made money on this, I have just covered the cost of printing and mailing.  But for those readers who would like the pass, I can send you a print quality PDF file that you can bring to a local printer and have them printed and cut to size.  Or you can contact me for other options.  I have given out large quantities of these to bereavement groups to pass around at their meeting and telling those in attendance to take whatever quantity they wanted, I have had many of them printed up, I think we are on the fourth or fifth printing now.

The verbiage is just great; it covers all kinds of events.  I know it may make the mourner nervous to hand it out, but once they do it the first time, they are much more comfortable doing it later on.  The receiver of our Pass generally does not have to withstand the pain and sorrow of being forced to attend a happy and joyous occasion that we are just not ready for.

Just to let you know, my son passed away in 2013, and we are just starting to attend Thanksgiving and Holiday gatherings, but we still feel sorrow and pain when we go to them, if hurts us to see everyone celebrating and happy and we cannot celebrate and be happy for our beloved son is no longer with us to celebrate.  It is getting better little by very little, so there is hope for all.

So please, read this pass, pass it around, and for heaven’s sake, use it when you need to. There is no shame in you not attending anything that will make you uncomfortable!

Thank you

Perry Grosser
father of Andrew Grosser
www.neverforgetandrew.com

Here is the link to the Pass on my website – Mourners Pass

Perry Grosser

I have never written before - I had no reason to. But now it is all I want to do. I find peace and comfort in putting my thoughts and feeling into words. There are so many feelings that grief brings you, and they are were all stuck in my head for months, until I started to take them out of my head and put them into written words. I am able to tell a story, share an emotion, share a feeling, express my frustration – anything I need to or want to do. But most of all it helps me to keep moving one foot in front of the other and keep moving from one day to the other. More important though, I know my site is helping others do the same. I get daily emails and phone calls from people who are reading what I write. I receive comments from both friends, and those who I have never met. They tell me how I am able to put into words what they have stuck in their heads. How they can relate to what I am writing and how my entries help them to keep moving and to keep healing. That is what keeps me going on. I write with my son in mind all the time – although not every entry is about him, he is the motivation that keeps me writing. Sometimes I write about grief. Sometimes I write about how we see others, or how they react to “us”. Some entries are shorter, while others seem to never find an end. But every one ends with thinking of how my son would read what I wrote, and if he was old enough and mature enough to truly appreciate it. Will I write for another year, or two years, or for the rest of my life? Who knows. But for now, I have a lot to say, I have so much to cover, and so much more to heal – and hopefully help others in the process.

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