Returning to Teach after a Major Loss

Every day, walking back into my classroom was an immense
challenge. For those unfamiliar with teaching—imagine
performing in a theater, five days a week for five hours a
day. It’s absolutely draining. And when you’re battling grief,
it feels impossible. My colleagues were amazing, but there’s
only so much that can be done to ease such a profound pain.

Going through all the “firsts” without Libby—her
birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, the
anniversary of her passing—in front of a room full of
eighth-graders who are kids with raging hormones about
thirteen or fourteen years old was more than exhausting. I
perfected a “fake face” to wear in the classroom because I
didn’t want to let my students down due to my inner turmoil.

In addition, throughout the year after Libby’s death, my
mom’s health was deteriorating, and every ounce of extra
energy I had was dedicated to helping her. I used all my
available sick days plus many unpaid days to accompany her
to her cancer treatments and hospital stays. In essence, I
had to make a choice between earning a paycheck and
preserving my mental well-being. It’s a choice no one should
have to make.

My mom passed away in April, a year and two months
after Libby. I then took my allowed five days off work,
sucked up my feelings, and jumped right back in. Was any
of this the healthiest thing for me and my grief? Hell no.
Figuring out when to jump back into work can be super
stressful. Sometimes you’ve got to go back because, well, life
doesn’t pause for grief and most bereavement plans in the
workplace just suck. For others, the timeline’s more flexible.
Perhaps you want to return to work because you love your
job and it makes you feel productive. Either way, let’s chat
about some pros and cons to help you decide what’s best
for you. I’m going to start with the negatives and end with
the positives, because I’m motivational like that.

Downsides of Returning to Work

Here are some of the downsides to working after loss that
I’ve identified.
• The emotional rollercoaster is real. One minute you’re
okay, the next you’re bawling your eyes out. And let’s
face it, work breakdowns are awkward for everyone.
• Grief is exhausting, like, no sleep and you ran out of
coffee levels of fatigue. And it’s not just an emotional
drain; your body feels drained too.
• Freaking brain fog. You’re so overwhelmed by your
loss that your brain is like, Wait, what was I supposed to
do again? This can be super frustrating when you have
tasks and deadlines. Or, as in my case, you have to
entertain ninety eighth graders all damn day.
• Sometimes work can serve as a distraction, but not
always in a good way. If you’re not careful, you could
delay your emotional healing by pushing your grief to
the side.
• So many questions . . . If you’re an introvert like me,
you get that too much social interaction can be
draining. Coworkers mean well, but sometimes you
just want to be left alone, you know? (I say this with
the greatest appreciation and respect for my amazing
coworkers, without whom I would not have survived
my grief journey thus far.)

Upsides of Going Back to Work

Here are some of the upsides to working after loss that I’ve
identified.
• It can be comforting to slide back into a daily
schedule. Having something to focus on other than
your sadness can be helpful.
• Even if you’re not talking about your emotions and
feelings, sometimes just having a casual chat with
someone can lighten your mood a bit. Yes, even if
you’re an introvert.
• Ticking off small tasks at work can give you a sense of
accomplishment, which can be rewarding when you’re
feeling low.
• The reality is that bills don’t care about your feelings.
Getting back to work might be a financial necessity,
and there’s nothing wrong with admitting that. I
certainly don’t keep it a secret that this was my reason
for returning to work after Libby died.

So, there you have it! Hopefully, this information will
help you weigh your options.

Just remember, there’s no one answer. Do what’s best for
you. If you’re in a similar boat as I was—grieving but having
to keep on keeping on—I get it. It’s really, really tough. If
you have the chance to take some time for yourself, don’t
hesitate to do it. And if you can’t, know that I’m sending so
much love and strength your way.

Excerpted from Grief Sucks: (But Your Life Doesn’t Have To)

Read more from Brooke: A Nerd’s Guide to Grief – Open to Hope