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If the tragic  events in Orlando yesterday were heavy for you and served as a painful reminder of the personal loss or losses you’ve endured, you are not alone in the sorrow you’re experiencing today.  Once again our entire nation finds itself immersed in collective grief. For many Americans the feelings of grief associated with this horrific event seem just as raw as they did when the terrorist attacks happened on September 11, 2001. A newscast or film clip from Orlando can catch us by surprise, acting as a trigger, and it’s as if we’re confronted not only with traumatic memories of 9/11, but of our own personal losses as well—for the first time, all over again.

Like aftershocks following an earthquake, some of the feelings we experienced then and thought we had put behind us can crash in upon us like a tidal wave—especially when we are flooded with so many reminders in the media. Painful images surround us, and it feels as if we’re starting the entire mourning process anew.

Dr. Frank Ochberg’s Interview
On the first anniversary of September 11, an informative interview on this subject was conducted with Dr. Frank Ochberg, founding board member of the International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies and an expert in post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Dr. Ochberg described September 11 as “one of these days that is going to live in infamy, a day of collective remembrance.” He noted that there are some people “who lost a loved one on 9/11 or people for whom events were so personal and so intense that the anniversary and public expression is bound to return them to the scene . . . but it doesn’t mean that you are actually back there . . . [and] it does not mean you’re going to have to recover from the start all over again. Even if we did not lose a loved one in the attacks of 9/11,” Dr. Ochberg continues, “the images can remind us of our own tragic losses that may have gone unrecognized and unacknowledged.”

Plan for Anniversary Dates of Loss
If you are facing a death day anniversary, it is wise to remember that oftentimes the anticipation of an anniversary date can be worse than the actual day. When you are mourning the loss of a loved one, it helps to identify those days, events and seasons that are likely to intensify and rekindle your pain, and build comfort and healing into them. Plan what you’re going to do ahead of time, even if you plan to be alone. Don’t set yourself up for a bad day. Let your friends and relatives know in advance which days and events are significant for you. Verbalize your needs and include them in your plans. They may be very willing to help, but need for you to tell them how.

If you’re feeling anxious, confused or immobilized as a certain date or time approaches, get the reassurance you need by participating in an online grief discussion group, attending a grief support group or speaking with a bereavement counselor.

Handle Your Memories With Care
If your memories are painful and unpleasant, they can be hurtful and destructive. If they create longing and hold you to the past, they can interfere with your willingness to move on. You can choose which parts of life you shared that you wish to keep and which parts you want to leave behind. Soothe your pain by thinking of happy as well as sad memories. The happiness you experienced with your loved one belongs to you forever. Hold onto those rich memories, and give thanks for the life of the person you’ve lost instead of brooding over the last days. Build “memory time” into the day, or pack an entire day with meaning. It’s easier to cope with memories you’ve chosen than to have them take you by surprise. Immerse yourself in the healing power of remembrance. Go to a special place, read aloud, listen to a favorite song. Celebrate what once was and is no more.

Honor the Memory of Your Loved One with Service
The families of 9/11 were instrumental in creating the 9/11 National Day of Service. Service to others can be healing and transformational. When the timing feels right to you, see if some form of service to others calls out to you.

Letting Go Doesn’t Mean Forgetting
Letting go of what used to be is not an act of disloyalty, and it does not mean forgetting your lost loved one(s). You will never forget, because a part of this person remains in you. Letting go means leaving behind the sorrow and pain of grief and choosing to go on, taking with you only those memories and experiences that enhance your ability to grow and expand your capacity for happiness.

You’re Never Really Finished
As you’ve already discovered, you’re never really finished with loss when someone significant leaves you. This loss will resurface during key developmental periods for the rest of your life. You will have to face it again and again, not as the person you are today, but as the person you will have grown to be in two or five or twenty years from now. Each time you will face it on new terms, but you can take comfort in knowing that it won’t take as long and it won’t be as difficult.

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© by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC

Reach Marty through her websites, http://www.griefhealing.com and http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com.  She blogs weekly at Grief Healing  and can be found on Twitter, LinkedInFacebook and Pinterest.

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Marty Tousley

As both a bereaved parent and a bereaved daughter herself, Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC has focused her practice on issues of grief, loss and transition for more than 40 years. She joined Hospice of the Valley in Phoenix, AZ as a Bereavement Counselor in 1996, and for ten years served as moderator for its innovative online grief support forums. She obtained sole ownership of the Grief Healing Discussion Groups in October, 2013, where she continues to serve as moderator. A frequent contributor to health care journals, newsletters, books and magazines, she is the author of Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year: Second Edition, The Final Farewell: Preparing for and Mourning the Loss of Your Pet, and Children and Pet Loss: A Guide for Helping. She has written a number of booklets for Hospice of the Valley including Explaining the Funeral /Memorial Service to Your Children and Helping Another in Grief, as well as monthly columns, e-books and online e-mail courses for Self-Healing Expressions, addressing various aspects of grief and loss. With her special interest in grief and the human-animal bond, Marty facilitated a pet loss support group for bereaved animal lovers in Phoenix for 15 years, and now serves as consultant to the Pet Loss Support Group at Hospice of the Valley and to the Ontario Pet Loss Support Group in Ontario, Canada. Her work in pet loss and bereavement has been featured in the pages of Phoenix Magazine, The Arizona Republic, The East Valley Tribune, Arizona Veterinary News, Hospice Horizons, The Forum (ADEC Newsletter), The AAB Newsletter, Dog Fancy Magazine, Cat Fancy Magazine, Woof Magazine and Pet Life Magazine. Marty’s Grief Healing website and blog offer information, comfort and support to anyone who is anticipating or mourning the loss of a loved one, whether a person or a cherished companion animal. She is certified as a Fellow in Thanatology (Death, Dying and Bereavement) by the Association for Death Education and Counseling, as a Distance Credentialed Counselor by the Center for Credentialing and Education, and as a Clinical Specialist in Adult Psychiatric/Mental Health Nursing Practice by the American Nurses Association. Marty and her husband Michael have two grown sons and four grandchildren. They spend their winters in Scottsdale, AZ and Sarasota, FL, and enjoy their summers in Traverse City, MI. Marty welcomes reader questions and comments, and can be contacted at tousleym@aol.com or through her Web sites, at GriefHealing.com, GriefHealingBlog.com, and GriefHealingDiscussionGroups.com.

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