One reason grief is undesirable is the overwhelming soup of feelings it stirs up. Dr. Kenneth Doka, a prolific author and speaker on the subject of grief, explains it this way: “We rarely experience one dominant emotion at a time. We can feel depression, anger, disbelief all at once. We are a hive of emotions” (Kenneth J. Doka, Grief Is a Journey: Finding Your Path Through Loss). If his assessment feels intimidating, take a deep breath. Internal Family Systems (IFS) can help you tease apart one emotion from the next.
How? We can identify parts of our soul based on how they manifest, including the beliefs, thoughts, or feelings they hold. Different parts care about different things. So if you are in the midst of connecting with a sad part and feel a wave of fear, ask the sad part if the fear belongs to it. If the answer is yes, continue working with that part. But if the answer is no, then another part is feeling afraid, and you are sensing this newcomer’s fear. Acknowledge the new part and ask for space so you can continue working with the sad part.
Parts—which are members of our soul, also known as “subpersonalities”—have their own reactions to our experience. Their presence explains why we can sprout a variety of responses to the same topic. For instance, a part of you may nod along as you read on, another part might exude skepticism, and yet another part may be ruminating about something else altogether.
Having multiple parts within our soul is not pathological. Multiplicity is a trait every person possesses. If the idea of having subpersonalities feels unnerving, however, you are welcome to view it differently—like considering “parts” as different “aspects” of yourself.
There are three categories of parts: exiles, managers, firefighters.
Exiles are hurt parts that carry vulnerable feelings, memories, and beliefs. For instance, Joannie’s husband had been hiding an affair with a woman half his age. When Joannie confronted him about it, he filed for divorce, leaving her with an exile who believed he left me because I’m not good enough.
Managers and firefighters are considered protector parts. Their mission? To shield us from our exiles’ threatening feelings and beliefs. They will do whatever it takes to protect us from reliving the humiliation or trauma from yesteryear. But their strategies vary. Manager parts accomplish this goal by being proactive in controlling our behavior. For instance, the manager that oversees my finances insists on unplugging unused appliances and prompts me to hunt for bargains, all to save money. There is also a hardworking manager that criticizes me daily, with the hopes that this valiant effort at self-improvement would deter others from disparaging me.
No matter how hard managers work, however, things happen. And when they do, and exhale Isabel, to escape, flooding our awareness with, it’s difficult emotions, causing firefighters to rush, and come us by any means necessary.
Let’s return to Joannie as an example. After her divorce, she trudged into her women’s Bible study just as an attendee was apprising the group on Joannie’s ex-husband’s social media post: “He looks blissfully smitten by the curvy new Mrs.!”
Heat climbed Joannie’s face. Shame, jealousy, and rage prompted her to turn around and rush to her car. She sped out of the parking lot to buy three pints of cookies & cream—finishing them in one sitting.
Firefighter parts will try to distract us from pain using benign activities like sleeping, lulling us with entertainment, or—like in Joannie’s case—binging on ice cream. If these tactics fail to soothe us, they will up the ante and resort to more destructive acts. Cutting, getting intoxicated, driving recklessly, and suicide are examples of more dangerous firefighter activities.
Taken from Grieving Wholeheartedly by Audrey Davidheiser. Copyright (c) 2025 by Audrey Davidheiser. Used by permission of InterVarsity Press. www.ivpress.com
