Dear Suicide Survivors:
You are not alone. I know it feels that way, but I can assure you that there is help. I know you feel that no one can relate to what you’re going through, that your world is hopeless, and that your life will never be worth living. Sadly, I felt the exact same way. I’m not going to tell you that things will be okay. I’m not going to pretend what happened didn’t. And I’m not going to let you feel shame over this circumstance. But I am going to help you find hope in the midst of what appears to be a hopeless situation. Together we will make it to tomorrow.
Shame
My husband Tommy committed suicide on December 16, 2002. Regardless of the fact that he abandoned me after eight years of marriage and left me alone to raise our 8 week old daughter and 7 year old son, I have decided that I will never be ashamed of my husband. I will also never allow others to make me feel shame over what he did. I did not cause this tragedy, nor did you.
We are not responsible for our loved one’s actions. We are, however, the ones still standing and sticking around to pick up the pieces. Thus, we are the ones trying to right this wrong and make the best decisions from here on out for what’s left of our family.
Unfortunately, we are the ones paying the price for this mistake. I for one have chosen to make the absolute best of this situation regardless of where the fault lies. This doesn’t leave me with a sense of shame but of pride. I love myself and I am proud of the woman I have allowed myself to become. I could have taken the road of bitterness, anger, and misery, but I didn’t. Because of this decision, I am learning how to live with this tragedy more and more every single day. It is my prayer that you too will choose to do the same. You are not alone, I am here to help.
They Didn’t Love Us
I am not convinced that a person who commits suicide has proven by their actions a lack of love for his/her family or friends. Yes, suicide is a very selfish decision, but it’s made by someone who isn’t thinking clearly. How tortured must a person contemplating this act feel to believe so strongly that death is the only way out of their pain?
That’s a very lost, desperate, and confused soul. All of us make mistakes when we are in pain and feeling hopeless. Unfortunately, suicide is permanent while other mistakes can be made right. Regardless of the pain Tommy allowed me to experience, I will never hold his lack of judgment against my husband or believe he did this for a lack of love for anyone other than himself.
What Do I Tell Our Children?
From what I’ve experienced, healing has been brought about through honesty, trust, and by confronting the issues at hand. I’m not saying that everyone should follow in my footsteps, but I told my children the truth. I know that sounds surprising and harsh, but it was the best decision I ever made. First, I told my son when he was 8. Then, I waited until my daughter was the same age (very recently) to tell her.
I read somewhere that children who were lied to about a parent’s suicide had a more difficult time healing in the long run. Once they found out the truth (usually when they were older – and the truth will inevitably surface) they had to not only relive the pain of their loss, but also deal with their anger at the family members who lied to them. That’s when I realized that as much as I needed to know the truth in order to find closure, they did as well.
My best friend’s father committed suicide when she was very young. Her mom told her that his gun went off by mistake and his death was a tragic accident. It wasn’t until about a year ago that she found out the truth about her father. She agreed with me 100% that things would have been better for her had her mom respected her enough to tell the truth from the beginning.
How Can Children Understand?
First off, let me start by reminding you that none of us can be expected to understand. However, I did try and break this down to my children in pieces. I gave them bits of information, let them process it, and as they began to ask more questions I answered honestly. One thing I’ve learned is that children are very smart, they know when we are holding back, and if they can’t trust us to openly communicate and help them, they will feel even more desperate and abandoned. They need someone to trust right now!!!
I started off by telling my children that their father was very sick. No, he wasn’t physically ill, but his mind was sick. I told them he made lots of mistakes and didn’t know how to deal with those mistakes. Instead of coming to me for help (I would have offered support regardless of what mistakes had been made) he chose instead to die – he was scared and ran from his problems because he was afraid of dealing with them.
Not the Children’s Fault
I made sure my children understood that it wasn’t their fault. There was absolutely nothing they could have done to prevent or change what happened. I asked them to please let this be a lesson to them: they can trust me to help them through anything! Never run from problems but deal with them before they become too big.
I was sad that it was too late for their father, but it would never be too late for them. I want them to never be ashamed of their mistakes, but proud of the way they learn and make them better. And I make sure my children know they can talk to me about any problem or bad decision. And while I may not approve and there may be consequences, I will always be there to love them and help make things right.
Not Ashamed of the Truth
My son is now 15 and my daughter is almost 9. We still cry over Tommy, but it does not hinder our lives. My children are not ashamed to tell the truth to those who ask about their father and want to know what happened to him. Their lack of shame has led other people to treat them with much respect and admiration.
My number one priority is making sure my children feel safe in a world full of pain. They know that I will forever love their father, that I would do anything to change what happened, but unfortunately I can’t.
What I can do is honor his memory and do my best to allow goodness to come out of this tragedy. This is my way of honoring Tommy and making sure my children know that, while their Dad made the wrong decision, I still love him unconditionally and hope that they too can find a way to do the same – while learning from his mistakes.
My Deepest Condolences
I am so sorry for your loss. I wish there were magic words and advice available to take away the pain. Unfortunately, I don’t think the pain ever goes away. We heal, we grow, and we learn to cope, but we never “get over” the loss of a beautiful person gone too soon. My prayer is that I can somehow give you a bit of hope today while keeping you from losing your way as you try to reach the light at the end of the tunnel.
May God bless and keep you safe today.
All my love,
Kerie Boshka
My husband committed suicide this past December. I find the hardest thing to deal with is being alone and missing my best friend. I have family but they are busy with their lives as I am now 50. I am getting help but only those who have experienced this can understand. I do not have to deal with small children as you, that must be hard as mine is grown. I hope it gets easier as I do not want to live the rest of my life with this pain.
Hi Amanda. You are the reason I write. The most difficult part for me was finding someone who could relate to what I was going through. The loneliness was brutal at times. Try your best to stay busy, make new friends, and attempt new things. I know it’s one of the hardest things you will ever have to do, but your work will pay off in the end.
My heart brakes for you. As far as things getting better, it is my experience that we have to choose to make them better. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and you WILL make it to a brighter day. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Sincerely,
Kerie
A comment on semantics — my father took his own life when I was 5, my son, 3 years ago. I have been a survivor of suicide most of my life.
I really cringe when I see the usage “committed suicide”, especially by other survivors.
Our loved ones died of a disease, they were in horrible pain, they died a horribly stigmatized death.
BUT, they did not commit a crime. At one time, their taking of their own life was considered a crime & we, the survivors, would have been penalized. I am doing all I can to correct this usage. And, I hope that all survivors can join with me to do the same.
My husband took his own life on January 25th this year. The same date that your wrote this letter to suicide survivors Amanda. We were very much in love. We were married only 5 years but there were the best 5 years of my life. I always felt so fortunate to have the marriage that we had. Everyday was like a honeymoon day; pure love, respect, friendship an intimacy: We had given our hearts and soles to one another. We have two beautiful daughters together. Our youngest is just 6 months old and our first baby girl is not yet two and a half years old. She misses her daddy so much; She doesn’t understand the concept of death. How could a two year old?
Suicide is such a complex death. Not tangable like other diseases. We can’t see the pathology in tissues or organs. It is the worst symptom of a problem in mental health, be it minor or not, new or longstanding. I have so many questions; all will remain unanswered. I have decided to focus on what I know for sure. My husband and I loved eacch other unconditionally. I would have given my lifeblood for him and I still would. I am so proud of what he acheived in his life. He brough me such incredible happiness: Mt heart pours love for him. I miss him so so much. I can see his soul through the eyes of my 6 month old when she stares at me. I can see his personality and vivaciousness in my 2 year old. She is so full fo life; just like her dad. He is part of the fibre of their very being.
I am so strong. I yearn for My husband all day. We were in the process of relocating when he died. I am starting a new job in a new town. I am a family doctor and have counselled survivors of suicide on many occasions. I never thought it would visit my own doorstep. I will stay strong for my husband and two girls. I run and have kept it up the last few weeks. My husband always loved that I was fit and ran. I will keep that going. We are still a family.
I don’t know where the future will leave me and our two daughters. Amanda your story is inspiring. 10 years on and you talk so lovingly of your husband. He was a lucky man to have had 8 years with you.
I have no regrets. I would do it all again in a flash. My husband was my destiny. Our girls are his legacy. Maybe the future can be bright.
My husband took his life in May of 2012. Five days after our daughter’s 12th birthday. Our children are now almost 15 and 17. I am not as angry about what he did anymore, I just miss him so much . We were separated at the time of his suicide and that makes me feel guilty too. I have been very strong and straight and truthful with my children and they are thriving. We take it one day at a time and I hope to wake up one day and feel like I used to. Spirited and free.
Hi Liz. Reading your story is like looking in a mirror. Please contact me personally and give me your mailing address. I want to send you a complementary copy of my book. I think you would be surprised at how similar our circumstances are. I don’t have all the answers, but I can certainly offer you a bit of hope. I’m so sorry to hear about your husband. You are in my thoughts and prayers. You can contact me personally at mail@kerieboshka.com
~Kerie
I was married to a most wonderful woman, a nurse,mother, grandmother,& great grandmother for 44 years. A sweet, loving, understanding,and gentle LADY.
She fell and broke her back— the doctors didn’t believe the agony she was suffering and refused to refer surgery for her. She took her own life with her own gun. That was May 10,2010 and I still miss her. I still talk to her all day, every day; and I miss her terribly. Our daughter will not have anything to do with me because she blames me in some way for her mother’s death. Now I’m alone in this huge house with our darling little chihuahua “Angel.” I still have all of my darling wife’s clothes and personal belongings, and keep photos of her in every room. I don’t believe in “the here after” but I feel that she is waiting for me. I cannot go on with out the love of my life. Memories are all I have now and they are not enough. I hope to join my love soon.
My husband made the biggest mistake of his life on Oct. 21,2006. I felt I had died with him. Some days I wished I had and was even frustrated that I didn’t have the option of suicide, as I had to remain and raise our children. Extreme pain, loneliness, and anguish leads to skewed thinking. How could I condemn him when all I wanted was to escape the pain as well? Time has passed and I’ve seen the fallout that my shell of an existence has rendered upon my children. I try not to be too hard on myself, as I did the best I could. The latest in a long line of ‘hard parts,’ was when I realized that I wasn’t modeling for my children how to live. I was modeling surviving and a holding pattern, but no real spirit of life. So, despite the fact that I didn’t want to live, I had to figure out how to have a desire for life (an amazingly difficult task!). Somehow I’ve done it and I’m finally at peace with my life as it is. I see the benefits in the increased calm and confidence that my children have acheived. Best battle I’ve ever fought.
As a family we are very open in discussing their Dad and his death. I too worked up to telling them of his suicide. I told them his body chemicals didn’t work right and that made him sick. No one attacked and killed him (that was a big concern for a while). In a series of discussions, we transitioned to ‘wasn’t thinking clearly’ and “made a bad choice.” I’ve told my 9 year old that I will tell him how Daddy died if he wants to know, but for now, he says he doesn’t want to know. Last month I told my 6 year old, as she had taken to following me around naming various methods of death as if playing 20 questions, ugh! She took it pretty well, cried a bit, asked a few questions. But what really cracked my heart was when she started to sob and said, “Mommy, I look just like Daddy. What if my chemicals get messed up and they won’t let me be happy and then I kill myself too. I don’t want to die!” I hugged her and reassured her and talked about medicines and how I’ve been teaching her to work with her big feelings so they don’t take over…That’s one thing I’ve learned in all this. You can’t hide from the pain because there is always another way that it cracks your insides, be it my daughter walking down the isle at her wedding, my son learning to ride a bike, etc. This is just a never ending series of stabs at the heart. My job is to just acknowledge the pain and keep trucking.
Thank you for writing such beautiful words that are so true. I, myself try to live that way everyday, and instill the same beliefs in my children. Today would have been my husband’s 46th birthday. Instead, he decided to take his life last July. He didn’t leave a note, and I will never totally understand why, but I know that I would have done anything for him. That is what keeps me going. I admit, I have my bad days, where I truly struggle with this lot in life I have been dealt. But, I know I can make it through it. I told my girls early on that this would not define who we are. It is a part of who we are, but it is not who we are. I struggle because I can’t take the pain away for my children, who are 14 and 20. I always thought it was my job to make things better. Well, this one, I can’t make better, but I hope I am giving them the skills needed to deal with it. Both are in counseling, and it seems to be helping. I am very nervous for July 19th to roll around. I don’t honestly know how I will deal with it. I am praying hard that God will give me the strength to be strong enough for my children and myself. I look forward to July 20th when all of the firsts are over, not that that will make it better, but I feel like we will have made it through a major milestone, the first year. I pray in time that I can think about Tom without tears and remember only the good times. Mostly, I pray for him. I want him to be at peace from whatever demons haunted him.
Kerie you are such a positive woman. I to have been positive through this whole thing. Some people cant beleive how positive I have been. But our lives didnt end, and they must go on. Life is to short to not move on. My husband committed suicide this past April. I have two daughters 8 and 11. And your letter really helps. And reading the comments of others also helps. My 11yr old knows what happened, but I have yet to tell my 8yr old. I do plan on it. Just wasnt sure if she was to young. I would have been married 17yrs in November.
Thank you for posting this- my husband took his life 11 weeks ago, leaving behind myself, our 2yr old and 4yr old. I don’t know how I will get through this but our children are my main drive. I do not want them to be any more affected than they need to be. I want them to know that he loved them and so do I. I was told to be honest with my 4yr old after he began to concoct his own story as to how his Dad died. I finally told him and he hasn’t said a single word about it since. We talk to him, pray to him and have group kisses and hugs trying to reach heaven. Sympathies to all of the other posters that have had to experience this.
Mark, I am the son of Kerie and Tommy. My father is the one who committed suicide when I was 7 years old. My mother is the one you are trying to blame for his mistake. I was totally shocked when I read your comment on her lack of support. For you to say we weren’t there for my father is completely without merit; especially when it comes to my mother. I speak from firsthand experience when I say that nobody loved and supported him the way that she did. The sad truth is, he left us. A strong support system is exactly what people need. If my mother and I failed at being that for my father, I can say it certainly wasn’t because we didn’t try. I’m sincerely sorry if you feel you do not have that. Regardless, no one can blame their family or friends for their unhappiness. We choose our own fate in this life. In the end, YOU are responsible for your own actions. I have grown up without my birth father. I miss him every single day. I didn’t choose for him to miss sport games, birthdays, and Christmases, but that was his choice. It was a choice that I have had to live with every day of my life. I have no idea what your situation is, but in the end, suicide is a sordid way out for people who are having a hard time dealing with their problems. My mother always tells me to find the good in every situation. She also tells me that there is a solution for every problem – I just have to be willing to work hard and find it. I hope, for you and your family’s sake that you do seek help from someone who can offer you the support that you need. Suicide is a mistake that you can never come back from. Suicide is never the answer.
Dear Mark, the above comment comes from a very young and amazing suicide survivor – my son. I could not be more proud of the way he has chosen to deal with the sorrow and depression he has experienced over his father’s death. I pray with all of my heart that you find the love and support that you are looking for. I was once suicidal myself. There was a solution to my anxiety and depression. I simply had to hold on and wait for the tides to settle. I sincerely pray that you find the strength to hold on and seek help.
my husband john of 38 years ended his life on jan24,2013… now i’m trying to keep strong. trying not to be angry. he suffered from aniexty and depression for at least 17 years that i know of. he just could not take it anymore. it has been a long road for him. i just pray he has found happiness and has know more pain and suffering. he never left a note,so of course there will always be so many unaswered questions. but i forgive him i loved him and seen how much he was suffering. he asked for help from the medical world all they could do was try this pill,and this pill till his aniexty took his LIFE,,,,,,,
Thank you, Kerie. Your letter is truly inspirational. My husband died by his own hand on 9/02/11 – just 2 days before his birthday. I chose honesty in telling my then 7-yr-old what had happened, and could not be more thankful I made that choice. It really was the smartest choice I could have made. I will add that when I did tell him, I had some close friends over, and our priest. Having raised my son in the church, I figured he may have some God-questions that our priest would be more that capable of handling. I strongly encourage anyone having to be the bearer of this news for their children, to gather good support when doing so.
It has been a year and a half since, and there is not a day that goes by that we do not think of my husband, my son’s dad. We talk openly about him, remember “old times” and try hard to be understanding of the bitterness and resentment of which we are targets, from his mother and sister. Indeed, we pray a lot.
Because events leading up to the day of his fateful decision involved serious crimes and public scandal, we are now looking to move back home (cross country) and start our lives anew. As summer draws near, we are getting more and more excited at the impending move – it will be a very fresh start. We are also going to change our names since my son’s name is the same as his father’s, and both of us feel a fresh start cannot take place with my husband’s history looming over us.
I have finally moved past the “If only…” stage, and I know the only thing I can do is move forward. The pain may never go away, but it does become less intense. For all that I have experienced in the past couple years, I am hopeful that maybe someday, someone else may benefit from my experience.
Thank you again for your experience, Kerie – it is appreciated more than words can say.
my condolences for your pain.
i am from a conservative community in India, here marriages are arranged by parents and within same caste. i am an educated self employed woman, but i am ugly.my parents could not fix my marriage in the conventional way and regard me as a source of their embarrassment( because of my unmarried state). now about an year back a very nice person from a lower caste has fallen in love with me and i probably could not live without him.
two options for me, die and make it look like an accident and save embarrassment for my parents,
or, marry this person and cause my parents immense pain ,
i guess there are times when death is a merciful release, the people that blame the suicide when they have died after slowly dying every second of their existence were not really most accommodating friends when they were alive, my personal thought, my present experience. my parents and brother will be hurt by embarrassment attached to a suicide in the family but not my death, it will sort all their problems out.
My wife of 8 years committed suicied yeasterday afternoon. I am currently in the military and presently deployed, I am getting sent back to the states within the next 12 hours. We have a 2 year old son, and presently in the custody of a nextdoor neighbor till I get home… I will have much support when I arrive, my parents her parents and all the military “support” personell…. Im so confused in my head, one minute Im crying the next Im screaming I hate her for leaving us….Im completly terrified to raise my son alone… my life just got very hard. I dont even know why Im writing this but it kind of makes me feel better, Im am stuck in a small room until this flight leaves and for the past 5 hours have been looking up statistics on suicide and forums such as this… People walking by looking at me all weird, black eyes sunk in my head, just an overall worn out look and its only been 12 hours since I was notified…
Dear Sam,
You may feel like you are alone, but you’re not. There are many people who have made it to the other side of this disaster. There is something about surviving suicide that makes the survivors “family”. I am being sincere when I say that I’m sharing in your grief right now. You have been on my mind since I read your message this morning. Please know that I am so sorry to hear about your loss.
You say you don’t know why you were even writing. Well, my guess is that you desperately need to talk, but are having a difficult time finding someone who can relate to what you are going through. Unfortunately, I do know the desperation you are feeling, as do many other people here on this link. My husband committed suicide 300 miles from our home. I had to get on a plane and prepare myself for the unimaginable. I can only imagine what I looked like! People stared as I looked on with a blank look of shock and pain. You said it perfectly, “My life just got very hard.”
Please be very patient with yourself. Navigating through the pain of my husband’s suicide was the most difficult time of my life. I made countless mistakes, offended most people, and truly thought I had lost my mind. In hindsight, I can see that I was healing, I was strong, and I was learning to live a new life. Like mine, your entire world has been completely uprooted. In a blink of an eye, everything you’ve worked for has been turned inside out. You can’t expect yourself to recover from this tragedy overnight. I pray that you can give yourself permission to fall apart at times.
Please don’t be afraid to feel desperate and out of control. As much as we try to be “perfect” (especially when children are depending on us), I don’t think the pain, sorrow, heartache, and even anger can be avoided. Will this ever get better? I can’t make that promise. It’s been ten years for me. Some days it feels like Tommy died just yesterday, other days it feels as if that was a lifetime ago. I’m happy and I chose to continue living my life. It was hard work, but it has paid off. That being said, I still miss him every single day.
I have a book that gives very practical advice on surviving a suicide and starting over. I’m not trying to sell you anything. It would be my pleasure to send you a complimentary copy. If I can do nothing else, I can at least do this. If you decide to accept my offer, just send your mailing address to me at mail@kerieboshka.com and I will immediately send you a copy.
Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Kerie, thank you for sharing your letter. Glad to know that none of us are alone in this situation.
My husband of 14 years committed suicide on March 1, 2013. We have 2 children, a girl who is 10 and a son who is 4. We all miss him so much. In 2008, he had major back surgery and never recovered. He lived the last 5 years in constant pain. He had 6 more surgeries after the first one and was facing another one this month. I know that he was very scared to about having surgery again and I was not looking forward to it either. He never got any better from any surgery and his pain never went away. Over the last 6-8 months, I saw changes in him that made me think he was off the wall sometimes. He was mad at everyone all the time, cutting people out of his life, just miserable. Because of this, we had been fighting off an on since Christmas 2012. One day we were on, then next we were off. It was such an emotional roller coaster for me. I would have done anything to help him. I just wanted him to be happy and be ok with the fact that this is what his life was now. He could no longer work and I know that bothered him. He always had very demanding, high powered jobs where he had a lot of repsonsibilities. So I can understand this all taking a toll on him. Unfortunately, I feel that he never truly accepted that this is what his life was now. Over the last couple of years, I thought he was depressed, but he would never admit it. The doctors would try and dicuss it with him, but he would say, “Why would I be depressed, I can still walk and I have my wife and kids.” But he was very irritable, miserable, unhappy and sometimes spent the day in bed while the kids were in school. And sometimes he would go to bed when shortly after I got home from work.
I wish I could have helped him more. We were fighting that night and now my inlaws (father and sister) all blame me for this. Sometimes I blame myself, but I am learning that I didn’t do this to him. He did it to us. I can’t beleive he could leave his children. That helps me to realize that he wasn’t thinking clearly. I just wish my inlaws could understand this. I know they are still grieving and hopefully they will come around eventually. They were not that close with my husband and they are over the top now with the “poor me” stuff and my sister in law is very public (facebook) with her grief. It drives me crazy because I am so private with mine (can’t believe I am sharing on here, but it seems to be helping).
Thanks for listening and thanks to everyone who shared.
Thank you for sharing your stories. My husband took his life in Jan 2013. We had been married a little over 2 years the happiest 2 years of my life. I feel as if I am on a roller coaster from hurt to sad to mad to just at a loss. I have never experienced the pain that I feel today and everyday since. I am seeking help, but I still have those days that feel as if my life has been taken too. I try to continue each day putting one foot in front of the other but many days just getting out of bed seem a chore. I have so many unanswered questions, as some have said in previous post I try to think that at the time he was not in his right mind, he had a breaking point and only he knew why. I hope someday to be able to have the strength you have, I have a choice as to live in misery or to live on knowing how lucky I was to be married to a wonderful man who was troubled with depression. I am trying to make the right choice but some days it seems more than I can handle.
I try so hard to remind myself of everything you posted here.
My husband committed suicide a week before my 22nd birthday November 26, 2012. Our daughter was barely a year old when it happened. I try very hard to tell myself everyday that I couldn’t have done anything. But I miss my best friend. It hurts more than anything I have ever experienced. I’ve never felt more alone and hurt, and sad and scared.
My wife of 5 years left me and the world almost 40 years ago. I remarried 35 years ago; we have 2 grown children and we all love each other. I felt guilt over my first wife’s despair in killing herself so many years ago. I don’t let most people know the cause of her death. (My current wife does know.)
Your site makes me rethink this and to possibly be more open. I am reminded of a conversation I had with a friend of my first wife after her death. The friend assured me that I was just as important as my wife was and that my wife was the only person responsible for her death.
I am not sure whether to be more open about my first wife’s death and it may not really matter after so many years. Regardless, life has been very good to me despite that setback so many years ago and I have tried to be good to others.
I thank Kerie and others for their essays – I know that I am not alone with this memory.
My husband committed suicide April 15, 2013. I met him February 1988 and feel deeply in love with him, After the first several months of dating, he began to suffer depression. He did not like the type of job he was doing, his grandmother passed away, then he found out his father had cancer. He started to become distant, but I continued to offer him support as well as his immediate family. He drove off in his car and lived out of his car for several weeks with no contact with his family, eating and sleeping in his car in cementarys. I had found out from his father his had purchased a rifle and had that with him. No one knew where he was, I had to be taken to the doctor for Xanax and prayed for him to come home and get help. One day at work while I was in the break room, I just happened to be looking out the window and saw his car driving through the parking lot. I rushed to the elevator to the parking lot and went up to him. He smiled and I told him how worried we were for him and loved him and he needs to go home and get help. I made him promise he would go home and he said he would. His parents admitted him to the hospital and he was there for several weeks. I visited him often and continued to support him as not just as a girlfriend but as as any friend should do. When he left the hospital he said he had been diagnosed with situational depression. He got better over the year, we stayed together then 1990 came and his father passed away. That was difficult, but I helped him and he I through that as well. We dated 4 and a half years, did not live together, but spent a lot of time at each others apartments. We married August 15, 1992, had one son born February 24, 1997, who is now 16. My husband had a solo landscaping business and was very content with his life, constantly offering his time and support in whatever my son needed academically or in sports. We had our ups and downs like most marriages, but loved each other immensely. My son was diagnosed with auditory processing disorder and has been labeled mild learning disabled since grade school. My husband and I both have been very supportive making sure our son gets in the right school classes and our son has been active in wrestling and football. Without going into too much detail, my son started to show behavioral changes after Easter this year, and we tried to communicate with him abut what could be going on. Due to a number of traumatic events, we had to take our son to the ER and admit him to the psych ward. My husband and I cried in each others arms, had family come in to town to help my husband and I get medication to help sleep, had several visits with our son, still not knowing what the outcome would be for him, my husband I began looking up things in he internet which was a mistake, but trying to find answers. After the first weekend my son was admitted, my sister and her husband left to go home, I could see my husband, even though we were both very sleep deprived and depressed, was starting to appear worse so I asked some friends to come over the evening of April 14th, my husband and I had a therapist appointment at the hospital the next morning, and worked on typing some notes about our history to see if this might help in diagnosing our son. Our notes including my husband’s depression in 1988, and my postpartum and mild OCD. The morning of April 15. I woke up found my husband on the laptop I am now using to type this, told him to stop looking up stuff because it just upsets us, and we needed to get ready for our appointment. I told him I was going in he shower, then he could shower. I got out of the shower and could not find him. I called his name, looked everywhere then went to the backyard and found him. He had shot himself in the head and a neighbor heard my yelling and came over to help. My son was in the hospital, and I just found my husband dead my his own hand. My son had to be told in the hospital, and could not attend he memorial service, but since my son’s discharge May 1, amoung all the other things to deal with, I have planned a graveside service so my son can be a part of that.. My son and I have been in counseling, I still take Xanax to sleep at night, and now I am founding out my son possibly has bipolar disorder and is taking medication. Even though the counselor has help, what keeps me going is knowing I need to be here for my son, and praying he never blames himself for what his father did. Right before we had to take our son to the ER, we were planning a date weekend. We celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary last year. But the questions continues to linger in my head WHY? I yelled at his body WHY, we were going to an appointment, we were getting our son help,, yes it was depressing and we were sleep deprived, my doctor put me on Xanax and his doctor put my husband on Ambien. WHY, I have prayed and told my husband I know that was not him, and he loved his family. But I continue to miss him everyday, try to hold it together for my son during all our doctor visits for him, and look at a mound of paperwork I now have to do because of his death.
Kerie- so close to my own name (Kerrie), my own life…amazing and inspiring. My husband Mark, took his life on December 14, 2012, 4 years after his 15 year old son Jorden was hit by a car and fatally injured. The 4 years that followed were filled with beer, then liquor, pain pills , then illegal street drugs until 2012 in which he made 4 suicide attempts, was in detox at least 5 times, rehab 3 times, psych wards and Baker Acted. I was also diagnosed with a rare brain tumor in November of 2012. I have 2 young daughters, now 3 and 5 1/2 which struggle and miss their daddy dearly. My focus is gaining hold of my and my children’s health and well being this year. I am about to undergo brain surgery soon to remove the tumor and am terrified of what trauma this will cause my kids. I pray I will heal quickly and my kids won’t see me in too bad of shape. I keep positive as much as possible, attend alanon support groups, counseling for myself and my kids. I just look forward to the day that life feels normal again. I would love to do work like you do some day and help people. I think it may really help me by helping others! Thanks for sharing your story! Kerrie
Thanks to everyone for posting here, especially Kerie for starting this link. The strength you show is phenominal, as well as all the others who posted here. A friend of mine committed suicide a few months back, his name was also Tommy, which is how I found this link. I happen to be on the other side of the spectrum, and maybe can shed some light on this. My wife and I were happily married for 17 years. The last few years became rough, with the typical arguing, but I never thought we would break up. Then, she started texting on her new phone, and I got a hold of it and found out there were other men in her life. Then, she started going out every night, and I knew she was seeing someone else. Finally, she went out on a work night, and stayed out later than normal. Then, she wouldn’t answer my calls. I freaked out. threw all her clothes outside, and texted her I would rather die than live without her. Unfortunately, I sent that text also to her work, whom I had contacted to make sure she was ok earlier. It happens to be a police department. When they came to baker act me, I tried suicide by police, but they didn’t comply. I spent the mandatory 48 hours in the hospital. At the time, I really didn’t want to kill myself, was just weighing the option. I have a wonderful family and a beautiful 21 year old daughter. When I got out, I quit doing everything wrong that my wife said I was doing, including excessive drinking, although I had quit that already weeks before. She would come over every week for dinner, but never the weekend. That was exclusive to be with my best friend, after I followed her from work to his house, and watched her hide her car in his mom’s garage (yes, he lives with his mom, and I have to grow up). The next day was Mother’s Day, and I spent the first half of the day ruining my mom’s, and the second half of the day in a gun range. Again I couldn’t do it. The moral of my story is that it has been 4 years now since she left, and I tried to kill myself again last night with pills. The stories here have made me realize how bad I would hurt the remaining people in my life by doing it. I can’t go to a hospital and baker act myself, because that stays on your record. Every time I get pulled over, they will raise guns at me. I can’t afford a shrink, who can’t replace my wife anyway. So, I went online, and cried through every story here. I just had to tell my story, and personally thank all of you for saving my life! I am officially out of the suicide business! I am going to church on Sunday, and essentially starting my life over. I will never see my loved ones hurt the way all of you have been. I am so sorry for your losses, and even more sorry that I almost did the most selfish act of all. Thank you all, I hope your pain eases by the day, and your strength grows. Good luck to us all, on both sides of the spectrum.
My beloved sweet amazingly beautiful and handsome fiance hanged himself in our bedroom on 29 April 2013. He was my world and I his. His family lied to the police about informing me of his death (I was travelling) and our cleaner eventually told me on the phone when I was on the train. On my return to his house where we were living the family had changed the locks so I couldn’t enter our ho,e. 9 weeks on my belongings are all still there, as far as I know and the police say I need to hire a lawyer if I want anything back but I can’t afford one. Further to this they threatened me so that I would stay away from the funeral and amongst other things they stole my flowers from his graveside. The pain I am left with at the hands of this loss let alone the wicked treatment of his family to us both before and since his death has driven me to within seconds of taking my own life. Previous to this my Father killed himself when I was just 25. My fiance knew all about the loss of my Father but it did nothing to prevent him doing this to me all over again. His immediate mental pain I imagine was just too great to be able to consider the repercussions of what his actions would do to me and his two children he left aged 15 and 6. He made a mistake, I know he would say that to me. My own daughter was very close to him and says she had a very vivid dream just this week that he sat at the end of her bed looking so handsome as he was and told her he regrets what he did but is at peace where he is. It changes nothing however and is of little comfort.
The waves of grief, despair and loss are like a high speed bullet train approaching you, it comes with the full force and there is nothing you can do but let it take you. I read that surviving suicide is tantamount to experiencing the trauma of a concentration camp, how succinctly put. I would love nothing more than to indulge right now this very moment in the luxury of death, but I CANNOT do to my children, 26 and 24, what hell I am going through now myself. My pain is so raw and physically shocking too: infections, rapid wieight loss, mouth and tongue blisters, tormenting nightmares that mean I force myself into a state of delerium trying to avoid sleep and the horrific dreams.
We the survivors are left with no choice but to carry on, it is a terrible legacy but somehow I know it is not my destiny, it’s my some times overwhelming journey but not my destiny. I refuse to own bitterness and anger and hope for patience to wait for the festering wound to heal.
My heart goes out to you all on here, thank you for sharing. We are the ones who are left behind, we are the ones who have no choice but to be brave and live out this torment without our loved ones. I wish you all so much love.
April 4th of this year the father of my two children, my best friend, my everything took his life at the age of 22.. at the time we had a five month old little girl, and we were three months pregnant.. for us to be so young he was such a great dad, our little girl had him wrapped around her finger from day one.. there aren’t words to explain the pain I feel, there’s days that I miss him so terribly much, and days that I’m so angry with him for leaving us.. I know in your letter you sad that the decision they make isn’t based on the lack of loving spouse/children/family, but the lack of love for themselves.. but I ask myself everyday how the love he felt for our kids wasn’t enough for him to want to stay.. to see them grow up. He’s missed out on our oldest crawling, her first steps, and talking. He missed the birth of our second daughter.. everyone says that it’ll get better, to take it one day at a time.. but everyday gets harder and harder. Being a mother is no longer enjoyable to me, every time a look at my girls I see him.. I wait for him to walk through the door like nothing happened. Hate the fact that our kids see me cry everyday, struggle to get out of bed. Get so tired of forcing myself to smile when people are around. But most of all knowing that our girls will never know what it feels like to have a father-daughter relationship. That they wont have their own memories of him.. thank you so much for writing this letter..
My husband of 17 years took his on life on Mothers day, He left behind our 5 year old son.It has been 3 months and the crying never stops.I feel like whatever pain and suffering he had, he passed it on to me the day he died, because no pain is worse than trying to comfort a grieving child. How can I feel again…. The feeling of abandonment is overwhelming.
I lost my husband 4 days ago. I knew when i woke that morning he was gone. We have been married 10 yrs, first got together when we were in our teens. I’m 36 now, and have no idea how to go on without him. Our son turned 7 two weeks ago. He has been my rock, tomorrow is Christmas!
He never had any signs of depression or despair… Very happy, and easy going man. He left that morning in his work clothes and even took his lunch.
I feel like I failed him, failed him in everyway.
I read your blog, made me feel a little better. But the guilt I feel just seems so overwhelming at times I cannot breath. It’s nice to know that there are others that have the same feelings as I. Don’t feel so alone.
Thank you
I lost my partner 6 weeks ago to suicide. I met him through a club I joined. Knew him for 2 yrs, 10 months of those we were together. Before that we had become very good friends. Now he is gone I am completely lost. He had become the love of my life, my soul mate and my best friend. I got him and he got me. We were perfect together, or so I thought. Then this happened. I feel dead inside and wish I was gone with him. The only thing keeping me here is my 14yr old son who is suffering with me. He seems to cope better than I am. The pain just seems to get worse. I feel isolated and shunned. The club we met through won’t have anything to do with me, I’m sure they think this is my fault. I’ve had the comments of how could someone as happy as him, do this? I wish I knew. My family hate him and say hurtful things about him. I’m sure they don’t mean to hurt me, they want me to hate him for what he is putting me through and can’t understand why I still love him and can’t be angry with him.
My family and his were never happy about us, as he was much older than me. I feel they blame me. I can’t see an end to this despair I feel. How does life become normal after this? I can see no end to the suffering I feel. I’m told I need to be strong for my son and not let him see my pain. But I can’t even face getting up let alone being strong.
I’m so tired of this sadness. My husband took his life last August. I am so sad that he thought it was the best solution. 27 years of marriage, successful business we built together, 4 older kids, a beautiful daughter in law, our first grandson born in April and our 6 year old daughter we adopted from Korea…from the outside looking in we had it all. My husband had gotten addicted to pain killers, diagnosed bipolar…but he had gone to extended rehab, he had relapses but I never lost hope… We loved each other deeply. As a family unit we were fighting with him…we bore all things, believed all things and never lost hope. But it wasn’t enough. He relapsed and was willingly going for a 30 day in patient restart. His note said that he felt this was best for us. The life insurance money he had was substantial and he loved us and didn’t want us to keep enduring this same pain over and over again. I would have given my life for him to get better. He was such an extraordinary and gifted man. But, he felt he had to give away his life to better ours. He was so wrong. Yes, we are relieved that we know where he is now. We don’t fear him injuring himself and /or others but we miss him terribly. He was the heart and soul of our family. Please, if you think suicide will be better for your loved ones…IT ‘S A LIE FROM THE PIT OF HELL! I would be happy to be dirt poor with my husband by my side. But, I wouldn’t bring him back now because I know he is supremely happy with our Savior and that is where my comfort lies. I will take the money entrusted to me to do good. Charity has helped me and my children to take what was tragic and do good to others. That is what my husband wanted…for us to be happy and love others. I want to honor his life .
I lost my husband to suicide on 26th feb 2015. He hanged himself the day after we had a fight. He left a note blaming me. Last fight we had was in september 2014. After that everything was good. And then one night we had a fight after 5months and he hanged himself the nextday. Are fights that bad? We had a fight once in 4-5months. Whole society blames me. Inlaws blame me. He forgot all the good time we spent in 3yrs of marriage and left a note blaming me.
We have 2yrs old son. We were married for 3yrs. He left his old parents, son and me. This anger, guilt and grief never seem to end. Im not finding peace anywhere. My home is shattered. My parents and my sister are standing like pillar of strength but im broken, shattered and lifeless. How do I find peace..
My husband, Gerard, of 16 years committed suicide on late 13 Feb 2015. His body was found on 14 Feb only after more than 18 hours of search.
He’d gone missing the day before. He’d bought 2 bottles of 100ml each of common garden insecticides and consumed them while hiding from all of us. He was found only in the secluded forested area of the park near our home. He’d had 4 attempts, including 1 major attempt last May 2014 where he stole a small bottle of pesticide from his chemical laboratory where he’d worked for more than 20 years. At that time, he knew to message me for help. But this time, he didn’t. Despite so many friends and police searching the parks, we never found him on Fri 13 Feb. He was only found the next morning after my friends re-strategised and searched the forest. But it was too late.
We do not have children but we’d been planning and planning and each time we planned, the next thing is he’d have one of those attempts.
When he was well, he’d be so normal. Just like that fateful week, he wasn’t entirely well as he mentioned that he felt the negative thoughts coming on and that he’d implode. We’ve sought various helps for him through therapies and counselling, you name it, we’ve done it. Yet in the end, he still succumbed.
He’d been diagnosed with major clinical depression in early twenties and he also had hyperthyroid issues. He’d no suicidal tendencies till 2009 when a new psychiatrist changed his medicines (6 different types, one at a time) over a 4-5 month period. From that day onwards, the nightmares never stopped. He’d have 1 or 2 attempts every year till a break in 2012-2013. Most are major attempts which included substance (pysch med) overdose, pesticide poisoning (2x) or the most horrific, slashed right wrist (till 20% left of tendon, vein and artery). But each time God delivered him out of them all. But each time when he’s well either through rest, monitoring of thyroid or psych med or undergoing ECT (electro-convulsive therapy) he never wanted to recall or think back why he made those attempts. Even though each time there was help in the form of therapies, etc, to get him back on his feet, he’d be very impatient for results and if results are not evident, he’d get impulsive and make another attempt.
I’m still reeling from the shock of his death, the intense of feelings of abandonment, left desolate and with a mountain of debts – house mortgage loan (he never bought mortgage insurance), car loan and bills and his hobbies (which I’m so unfamiliar with) and many other administrative issues to handle. Whatever his pain was, he thought that by ending it was the best way but if only he had seen that he only passed the pain to me. Now, I have to cope with living alone, in an empty house, with no one to look forward to, coming home each day, wondering and trying to fill each and every waking moment with new activities and desperately trying to have friends over for meals. I have nothing to look forward, nothing really interest me the way it did last time. I’ve had some friends support initially but most of pulled out as nobody knows how to or wants to be associated with a bereaved person for long periods of time. They even questioned why is the grief so long and so intense? I’ve sent myself to counselling and therapies too but the uphill work is tough. I have symptoms which I do not have at all – actually these were HIS symptoms, not mine – anxiety, intense sadness, lost, flat moods and even suicidal ideations all interspersed with bouts of intense loneliness and sorrow, all the time wondering if all these are real. They don’t seem real most of the time. The world and time still move on. I don’t know if I’ll ever walk out properly out of all this meaninglessness and tragedy.
Thank you so very much, each word was comforting to my heart.My daugther, and myself was put in this situation after 29 years of marriage. My selfish husband took his life, reasons unknown. ………..I am still crushed but putting on a front daily, but inside I’m breaking.I am standing only by the grace of God.
Thank you. Five weeks ago, on Easter Sunday, my boyfriend of two and a half years chose death by suicide. He suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder and while he had recently begun treatment for the disorder, it became too much for him to bear. I too do not blame him. He was the most wonderful loving man, a step father to my children and I miss him every second. I know that his choice was not a reflection of his feelings for me but I am struggling with feeling abandoned by him. Right now I would give anything to have him back bit I know that is not within my control. This saddens me. Thank you for Sharon your story, I know that I am not alone, but you are right when you say that it feels that way.
my husband took his own life april 30. he shot himself with a hand gun that i had taken away from him a year before. we recently moved and changed jobs. he got the gun back when we moved and said he would sell it. we took over a river paddle boat it was our dream, i hostess with the most and he was former navy and loved boats! we had nothing and were given the chance to what we thought was the world. we moved and ran the boat for 2 months, yes we had success and we had trials and BILLS. but who doesn’t? Bryan my husband he suffered from depression and alcoholism possibly bi polar. His traumatic and abusive childhood and life demons he could not escape. i loved this man up everyday. when i met him he was a mess and talked of not loving himself and his past.he drank heavily his whole life to forget. i looked him strait in the eyes and loved him unconditionally for 5 years. no children i suffer from infertility and he loved and supported me every step of the way. he was a sick man, even when he quit drinking ( sober 4 of 5 years together) was sick every morning for years. we got him the best help we could afford the best tests. for the depression he went to therapy and was medicated for depression only shorty , he did not like the way the pills made him feel and i honestly did not like the way he was on they either a zombie. he was a radiant man 6’7 loved people ,loved to talk , hardworking ,talented and smart, give you the shirt of you back kind of guy,just could not love himself. i made love to him the night before he died and kissed him goodbye that day with a i love you and he said i love you more. i called him in the middle of the day he was really intoxicated , it took me 1 day to find him. i found a crime scene and was told by a officer he was dead. and my whole world stopped and i screamed. i screamed so loud and dropped to the floor and i still have the cuts on my feet. it hasn’t even been a month. i am 31 years old. i am funny beautiful and smart i come from a beautiful family i am educated. this happens to the best of people ! we were the best ,people loved us, they wanted to be around us,and apirl 30th it stopped and i choose very soon after his death to honor HIM , MEANTAL HEALTH NEEDS MORE ATTENTION! he was the best and i miss him every second, i worry about my future and never finding a true love like that! but that what it was TRUE LOVE. i love and miss you Bryan. i pray for all your peace!
Amazing story and so very true. We need to learn and not make those irreverseable mistakes and most of time suicides are a mistake that takes over ur mind for a minute. I lost my husband as well and he wasn’t in the right state of mind and I want my kids to learn to never run from anything I am here for them with anything u fight thru it. Anything!!!
My fiance committed suicide 3 weeks ago. The pain has been unbearable and my anxiety has gone above and beyond. He left behind our two beautiful girls, who are only 3 and 1. We were young parents, me only being 22 and him 26. I think they are my biggest worry because I do not want them to ever forget about their father or forget that he loved them very much. My oldest daughter cried for him at the funeral and didnt want to leave his side (Daddys girl). It hurts and sometimes you cant help but feel you are to blame because you werent there to help or say the right things to make him feel better. You all are in my prayers and I hope all is well.
Thank you