Death affects and changes everything. The circumstances and impact affect not only the obvious areas of life but every area and simple tasks that used to be easily undertaken can seem enormous and just too difficult.
Everyday activities can be exhausting and any activity can create deep anxiety. Many of my clients tell me that not only are they grieving the loss of their loved one but alongside that there is the loss of themselves. The loss of everything they thought they knew, the planned life the sense of security. Nothing in their lives will be the same again.
These changes can also cause anxiety as the sense of loss of self of who you thought you were sets in. Feelings about life and about the future are changed and the alien place that you find yourself in can be scary and isolating.
It can feel impossible to find words to enable yourself to share what you feel with those close to you and those that have never had this experience struggle to understand, comprehend how it is for you. Often, as time passes, the struggle becomes too great and for those who grieve, it seems easier to pretend that they are OK.
If others could see grief in a physical way, they might understand. One of my clients said, “If my home had been bombed and every material object destroyed, if I had left just one chair to sit on, folk would pass by and acknowledge me, they would see the devastation, they would see me clinging to that one chair for all I’m worth, trying to make sense of, to find something familiar of my life as it was, struggling to rebuild. This is how I feel but no one can see or understand it. ”
Death changes everything. Through its impact, we are forced to let go of all that was, and all that we thought would be.Tags: grief, hope
My dad died at 100 year old, a year and one half ago in a nursing home 10 minutes from our house. After mother passed away in 2003, dad needed my husband and I more than ever although we were already driving an hour to see him in assisted living three times a week. Then it was every day. So we moved him closer to us and that was great. I really got close to him and knew him so much better as well as his Eggleston family history. I could see him more often and was a good listener. I never treated him like an old man, but as a person. He was a carpenter, master cabinet builder, writer of western stories in his head (because he was blind and couldnt write them down). He didn’t want to be taped, but I do have taped conversations with him, mom and me. What I’m wondering as I see my therapist, a wonderful women, is, why do I still have times of crying and screaming after all this time. I miss him!!!!!I miss having a parent. I’m changing. I’ve been a professional artist for 42 years and since his death, I haven’t had any desire to paint. I even bought a really fun watercolor DVD to remind me how to paint, again. But, one lesson and I still didn’t want to paint. I’m more of a loner although I keep in touch via email with my friends or on the phone. It’s holiday time, again, and no dad or mom at our table. I’ve been in two Hospice grief groups since Dad died. I’m a Christian and I pray to a loving, helping God. I think I would like to join other Christians in some kind of a group….. it would be comforting. Thanks for reading this. Diane
The profound sadness and feeling of emptiness. How will I go on ? What am I supposed to do now? If only I could talk to him one last time…that would bring me comfort. Why can’t he let me know he is okay…….
Mom died 3 weeks ago today. I feel so lost like I have become a child again learning how to walk and talk without her. I don’t have any motivation to do much of anything. I push myself to do simple household tasks and get distracted very easily. I am caught between wanting to be out of the house with people and wanting to hide. I don’t know who I am anymore. The last 3 months of mom’s life I was immersed in hers, and spent much of my time with her, I just stepped out of my own life and into hers. Now I am back in my life but it feels like I am standing still and have lost any sense of time. I am trying to find a grief support group, went to one meeting last week but it didn’t feel like it fit. Does that make sense? I have to ask because I don’t know what does make sense anymore. I know that recovery takes time so I am trying to let go of my mind chatter and just move from one moment to the next.
It certainly does make sense that some groups work for some people and some work for others. When I lost my dad last fall people were trying to tell me to go to the church group, but when I tried it, it didn’t fit me. Yet another group in town has been a tremendous help.