Lately I am angry
More often than not
Not out in the open
In your face angry
But silent subtle
Under currents
Of unnamed rage
Assaulting me for
Being held hostage
By my silence.
Most of us, if we are honest, will admit to having been angry. Some of us may be angry right now. While each of us may describe it differently, anger is one of those emotions, we, as feeling human beings, experience.
Based upon our culture, upbringing, gender, religious beliefs, and a multitude of other factors, some of us are more comfortable with being angry or being in the presence of someone who is angry than others. Anger can be used in positive ways to promote changes within ourselves or our world. It also can and often is used destructively towards ourselves and others and our world.
When someone important to us dies or we are permanently let go from a job that we loved, or our husband or wife wants a divorce that we do not, it is easy to discern the cause of our anger. It is also often easy to know who we are angry with.
There is another kind of anger though that is not so easily explained or understood. Most of us are familiar with the expression, “You have to pick your battles,” and there is a good deal of merit in this statement. The second part to that expression that is not stated but which is implied often goes unheeded.
Picking our battles involves making a conscious decision to either fight or let go. The other choice is LET GO not stuff, deny, pretend it doesn’t matter; sulk silently, keep score. Many of us find ourselves doing these things sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously, but both ways have the same end result.
Over time, these unresolved issues become heavy baggage weighing down our hearts. They get in the way of our enthusiasm, passion, and joy. They compromise our ability to be compassionate and empathetic towards others and even ourselves.
The easiest solution of course is to check our baggage at the end of everyday and make sure there is nothing in our suitcase that should have been addressed or let go of. In this way, we will not add anymore unnecessary weight to our lives. The next step for lighter travel is to look deeply into the crevices of our own suitcase for the remnants of anger that lurk there; then we can acknowledge them; examine them, and decide whether they still belong there today.
Being angry is not wrong. Oftentimes, it is the most natural response to a situation, especially one we perceive as unfair. Deciding to just add it to our anger pile, take it out on others, harm ourselves or others are wrong choices that will only add to our problems.
Are there people or situations in your life that you need to make a decision about? Do you need to clear the air or clean house by letting go of things you no longer need?
Deb Kosmer
debrakosmer@gmail.com
© 2006
Good article, Deb. In the two months since my husband died, I sometimes find myself getting angry with him for dying and leaving me alone, or with all of his “stuff” that I have to sort and distribute, or all the things I have to do now that he’s not here (yard work, etc.). I’ve found that it’s best for me to let myself be angry, express it (sometimes out loud), complain, cry, and do whatever I need to do and then let it go. Sometimes I feel silly and laugh at myself for being angry but mostly it just is what it is. Death is a natural part of life and it isn’t going away, so it’s best that I learn how to live with it, experience any surrounding emotions and let them go. Thanks for the work that you do.
Thank you for writing this Deb, and for your point about remnants of anger. When we think of anger, I think it may be helpful to divide it into anger at God or a Higher Power or life, and anger at others. Though I lost four family members in 2007, I never became angry at God or a Higher Power or life in general. I did, however, become angry about some of the things people said to me. Still, I knew their comments came from caring and not knowing what to say. I love your poem and hope you write many more.
Death is natural; anger as a response to that death is natural, but not being able to work through that anger is definitely not natural nor healthy. I have experienced the anger that goes with losing a loved one and know how hard it may be to let it go. I have also witnessed a loved one hold onto their own anger (after a death of their loved one) to the point of it destroying themselves and all their relationships with friends and family. I love your metaphor of “checking our baggage at the end of every day”. It would serve many people well. It is a great concept to help ourselves heal and after time I am sure the anger would lessen as we are able to confront it head on.