By Debra Reagan —

I was sitting at my desk and glanced at the new calendar hanging on the wall. Suddenly, I was hit with the overwhelming thought of another. My heart ached over the thought of another birthday for my deceased child, another anniversary date, and all the other holidays that would come around another time.  Many questions came to mind.  Had I not gone through the depths of grief? Had I not walked through the Valley of the Shadows? Was this not enough? How could I be expected to do more??

It struck me the New Year was about another part of this grief journey. I had traveled through the depths of my grief, and the deep anguish had eased a bit. Now, I was about to encounter what I considered the breadth of my grief and I wasn’t sure what that meant. These are the definitions I found for the word breadth: 1) distance from side to side, 2) something of full width and 3) of comprehensive quality.

As I pondered the distance of my journey, I thought about my life and the distance behind me. In some ways three years still feels like yesterday. Then I thought of the distance in front of me and the unknown road I have yet to travel. Each day I will find another way to carry this loss because the love for my child will be with me for the remaining distance of my life.

As I looked at the second meaning of breadth, I continued to wonder about my grief. I thought about how my heart has grown wider. In the beginning of my grief, I feared my heart would grow smaller with one less person to love. I now realize just the opposite is true. A part of my heart will always remain in 2005, but another part of my heart moves forward with a new hope. I also want to grow wider in spirit until the day I am joined with my child again.

The impact of this loss has touched every part of my life. As I process another layer of this loss, I realize another aspect of my life that has changed. I am a different person because of loving and losing my son. As each day on the new calendar goes by, I will continue to travel this journey of transformation and seek to find another way to share Clint’s light and love. I hope to be a better person because of this love.

I will proudly carry the love for my child along with the impact of losing him every day for another year. I will honor the loss and I will rejoice in each cherished memory. The joy of the past and the love in the present will carry me forward with new hope for another day.

Debra Reagan lives in East Tennessee with her husband of 28 years. They have one surviving son, Blake. She works as a Research Specialist at the University of Tennessee. Debra is the co-founder and president of Listening Hearts, http://listening-hearts.memory-of.com/About, a non-profit corporation designed to help bereaved mothers.

After some turbulent and confusing experiences, her youngest son, Clint, received the dual diagnosis of bipolar disorder and a drug addiction. Their lives changed forever when Clint died on August 6, 2005, at the age of 20 of an accidental overdose and bronchial pneumonia.

Debra can be reached through the website she maintains for her son at www.clint-reagan.memory-of.com.

Tags: grief, hope