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It is Love, Not Death, That Causes Pain

Posted on August 21, 2009 - by kstengel

Only in the spirit of love, not under the sign of death, do the rituals of memory reveal themselves as the beloved’s living presence. (November Rose: A Speech on Death) Two years ago, on All Soul’s-All Saints’ day, the chaplain of The Cathedral School in New York City invited me to speak about my experiences with grief, death, and survival at the Cathedral of St. John of the Divine. The chaplain instructed me that my audience would be comprised of children ranging from Kindergarten through 8th grade, as well as faculty and parents, and that my remarks should not exceed […]

Does Grief End? It Takes Grace and Guts to Forgive

Posted on August 21, 2009 - by Barbara Francis

Grace & Guts: What It Takes to Forgive is a book about a topic I have gone to terrific lengths to avoid. This book is not for those ultra-pious Christians who declare that of course we must forgive those who’ve hurt us because that’s what we’re called to do, period, so do it already. It’s not for those who don’t, or won’t, acknowledge the struggles inherent in being human, even a person who, with all her or his heart, aches to do what is right. It’s not for anyone who is unwilling to admit that there are moments in life, even […]

Does Grief End? Deciding That It’s OK to Survive

Posted on August 21, 2009 - by Patrick T. Malone

My wife, Kathy, and I present a workshop for bereaved parents that we have titled, “Into the Valley and Out Again.” We conclude that presentation with some of our observations on our recovery and reinvestment. We believe that many of these observations apply to all forms of grief. So here are some excerpts from our workshop. A few years ago the Queen Mother in England died after more than 100 years of life. She was much beloved as the “Queen Mum,” and even before her death, she was planning how she would help the people of England recover from her […]

How Does Sibling-Loss Affect One’s Parenting?

Posted on August 21, 2009 - by Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburn

By Elizabeth Devita-Raeburn — If you poke around in sibling loss literature, one unanswered question you come across is–does losing a sibling make sibling survivors more or less likely to have children? And do they tend to have “extra” children, just in case they lose one? FYI, I don’t have an answer to this. In my case, I simply had too much baggage to deal with to have children earlier in life. (I had my son, Henry, at 40.) But the question does interest me. As does the issue of how sibling survivors, like myself, parent siblings (something I have […]

Does Grief End? Sense of Smell Leads the Way for One Mom

Posted on August 21, 2009 - by Debra Reagan

By Debra Reagan — There is a smell that is part of my memory of Clint. Since the blessing of this smell doesn’t happen often, I cherish each moment. Recently, I encountered the precious smell several times over the span of a day and a half. I enjoyed the bitter sweetness of it and went about my day with a smile in my heart. The next day the following took place. I had a glass hummingbird ornament that Clint had given me when he was 16 years old hanging on the bathroom mirror. I enjoyed looking at it each morning […]

When a Loved One Uses Drugs to Deal With Grief

Posted on August 21, 2009 - by admin

Glenna writes in: How do I help my partner with the loss of his dad? This happened back in January, and now my partner needs drugs to help with the pain. Someone, please help! Pamela Gabbay, M.A., FT, responds: Dear Glenna, I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your partner’s dad. When a parent dies, it is so painful, and the range of emotions that one experiences can be overwhelming. January wasn’t that long ago and it’s no surprise that your partner is feeling a lot of pain. For many grievers, the intense pain doesn’t subside during the first […]

Wedding bells…

Posted on August 19, 2009 - by Eric Tomei

I am getting married in October and frankly the myriad of details that goes into planning a wedding are unbelievable. I have been in 11 weddings and I thought I knew everything, but as I am finding out, you can always learn something new in every situation. It really is an exciting time. I could get married tomorrow. I am ready and I say, “Bring it on.” But there is one thing that is going to be extremely bittersweet for me and that is not having my Dad there. I am trying to think how it would be different if […]

Death of Dog Compared to Child’s Death

Posted on August 18, 2009 - by Sandy Fox

Not long ago I was listening to the Today Show and Jill Rappaport was interviewing a woman who had lost her dog. This woman compared the loss of her dog as equal to the loss of a family member. As much as I loved the two dogs I owned in my lifetime for 15 years each, there was no comparison for me when my daughter died. We may get attached to our pets, we mourn when we lose them, but to make that comparison for me is unthinkable. Granted, there are similarities that while this woman who was interviewed may say she […]

Inner Voice

Posted on August 15, 2009 - by Harriet Hodgson

I have talked with many people about grief. Several years ago I interviewed a young widow about the anticipatory grief she felt during her husband’s terminal illness. Her story was compelling. As death drew closer the couple drew closer. “We went to a special place,” she said. “I can’t explain it.” Thanks to life experience, grief research, and my writing career, I understood her description. But I did not understand it fully until four of my loved ones died within nine months. The pain of these losses was searing. Listening to my inner voice, or soul, helped me to cope. […]

Finding Support in Grief

Posted on August 15, 2009 - by Sandy Fox

by Sandy Fox Bereaved parents find support from many sources during their grief journey. The results of one survey conducted by Compassionate Friends showed that parents said the most helpful and providing the most information for bereaved parents are: Friends (82.3%) Family (80.3%) Physicians (58%) Coworkers (44.8%) Clergy and hospitals (39.5% each) Websites (20.5%) Therapists/counselors (19%) Online chats/message boards/forums (13.3%) Support groups (12%) Supporting someone whose child has just died is difficult. From this survey, friends and family seem to do the best job, but this loss is so enormous that we have few words of comfort to offer. Though […]