Deb Kosmer

Deb has worked at Affinity Visiting Nurses Hospice for ten years, the first two as a hospice social worker and the last eight as Bereavement Support Coordinator supporting families before and after the death of their loved ones. She provides supportive counseling, developed and facilitates a variety of grief support groups, including a well-attended group for men only as well as other educational events. Deb received her Bachelor’s degree in Social Work from UW-Oshkosh and her Master’s degree in Social Work from UW Milwaukee. She received her certification in Thanatology through ADEC. Her writing has appeared in New Leaf Magazine, We Need Not Walk Alone, Living with Loss, Grief Digest, numerous hospice publications and EAP publications. Some of her poetry on death and dying will be included in a college textbook for social workers in end of life soon. New Leaf has also used some of her poetry for a line of sympathy and anniversary of death cards. On a personal level, Deb's 14-year-old son died after being struck by a car. Her 31-year-old sister had died in a car accident eight months earlier, and her 56-year-old father died from a heart attack exactly three years before. These three unexpected deaths within three years started Deb on a journey she never wanted to be on and she learned first-hand the importance of having the help and support of others. In the years since, she has experienced other losses, the most recent being the unexpected death of her 44-year-old step-daughter who died from complications three months after routine surgery. Deb's passions are writing, reading, education, nature, and family. She is currently working on a book of her grief poetry. She recently moved with her husband to Waypost Camp, Hatley WI. Her husband accepted a job there as Property Manager and his position allows them to live on-site with acres of woods and a lake. She anticipates the quiet beauty to be a strong catalyst for writing.

Articles:

This Holiday Season, Complete These Sentences…

When someone we love dies, most of us always wish for two things: one, that the death never happened, that our loved one had never gotten sick and died, or never gotten into an accident and died, and two, if we could just have one more day with them, one more day to say the things we didn’t get to say or to hear them say to us, to feel their arms around us one more time, to say or hear the words I love you or good bye or whatever words we long for still. This holiday season or whenever […]

Is There a Place at Holiday Table for the Griever?

It’s that time of year again. The holiday season, a time of rejoicing, celebration. First there’s Thanksgiving, followed by Christmas, Hanukah, and New Years. But what if I’m not thankful and don’t want to celebrate? What if I am sadder than I have ever been? What if I am pissed as hell? And what if I feel guilty… guilty for living when someone I loved died…guilty for failing them? What if I feel guilty because I’m relieved… that it’s finally over? Is there still a place at the table for me? What if I don’t want to bow my head and […]

Like Trees in Fall, We Must Let Go

I walk through the crunchy leaves that blanket the ground while others float down landing on me. I hesitate to brush them off. They are, after all, part of the beauty that is fall. That same breeze that makes the leaves dance swirls my hair around my face. I gently push it back as I continue my walk. I marvel at how quickly the trees are undressed. Just days ago they were covered. I think about how quickly our own lives change often catching us by surprise. How certain life events can make us feel naked and exposed. The dread […]

Self-Forgiveness is a Key to Healing

Guilt is one of those emotions people don’t talk much about, maybe because shame is so often a part of it. Yet when someone we love dies, most of us feel guilty about something or perhaps many things. “If only I had….” “Why didn’t I?” “I should have insisted.” “It should have been me.” All of are all expressions of guilt. Guilt is sometimes justified but oftentimes it is not logical but we feel it just the same and it feels very real. Horace Bushnell says, “Guilt is the very nerve of sorrow.” Sometimes when we feel guilty, we punish ourselves. […]

Learning to Fly Again

When someone we love dies, we have to fly on anyway. But what if we have forgotten how to fly? The death of someone we love grounds us. It leaves us without a pilot or a flight plan. Chaos and confusion replace logic and order. We may feel as if we have been dropped into a foreign land, a land where we do not speak the language. Suddenly all the familiar places are gone, the places we felt safe, the places where our life made sense. Our mind does not seem to work. Our feet don’t seem to work. […]

Autumn Arrives, Good Things Will Follow

Outside, the temperatures are changing and we pull out fall clothing. Soon we will need even more warmth, and our winter wardrobe will appear. For some of us, it may seem no matter how many layers we put on, we are still cold. The chill we feel in our bones goes beyond warm clothing. What we really long for — an arm around our shoulders, a hug. a hand to hold, someone to snuggle with on a cool crisp day — seems to be as absent as the sunshine we once enjoyed. We sigh again. We may feel like giving up and […]

‘Our Loved One Has Died and We’re Still Here’

GRIEF sometimes comes like a thief in the night. At other times, it’s more like a slow moving train. Either way, Grief hurts. When someone we love dies, it creates a painful void in our lives that we aren’t sure how to live with and if we even want to live with. Grief often changes our relationships, the way we see the world, our ability to trust in the goodness of life and others. Suddenly we feel like a stranger in our own skin and perhaps in our own home, neighborhood, church, and work. It seems as though people look […]

What Grief Is, What it Isn’t

Grief doesn’t wait for an invitation. It doesn’t go away because you want it to. It always overstays its welcome. It isn’t logical or easily explained. It doesn’t respond to threats or bribes. It will not be avoided indefinitely. It will find a way to be noticed. Grief is not linear, horizontal, or vertical. It is not predictable. It is not confined by time or space. It doesn’t play favorites. It isn’t just for women and sissies. Grief doesn’t forget. It has an excellent memory. It cannot be gone around; only through. Grief is never really “finished” or “over.” Rather […]

The ‘Elephant’ That is Grief

Last night I dreamt someone let an elephant into our home. I couldn’t get him out of the house but I tricked him into the basement by opening the door and throwing some food down. But people kept leaving the door open and there he would be again staring me down. I kept getting frustrated then angry with their carelessness and with him for being so big and immoveable. I tried to make them see he was going to ruin everything in the house and our lives but no one would listen. I was all alone with an elephant. I […]

What Can One Do with an Empty Cup?

I feel like I have nothing left to give. I feel like everything has been taken from me. I don’t even know where or how to begin again. Everything and some days even everyone drains me. If this isn’t the bottom, I am afraid of what is. The emptiness of grief. The feelings of grief. The death of a loved one. Inexplicably linked, painfully so. Some days, I feel overwhelming sadness, some days anger, even guilt. Some days disbelief. Some days all of them and then some days nothing at all. Our cup is empty. We have nothing to give, even […]

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