The loss of a loved one around the holidays is especially hard and difficult. Louis LaGrand, one of the world’s leading grief counselors and author of “Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved,” offers some specific suggestions to help you cope during the grief process.
1. Expect sadness, and give yourself permission to cry when you feel like it.
2. Do what is comfortable for you and do not please others.
3. Be clear with your family and friends about what you can and cannot do.
4. Honor the deceased in some way. Light a candle, have a “remember-when” session where each person tells a favorite story about the person, have a favorite dessert in his/her honor, or play one of the deceased person’s favorite songs.
5. Make major changes if necessary about how the holiday is celebrated or opt out of certain activities completely.
I would emphasize how important it is to be true to yourself. So often other people expect you to be over the loss or be cheerful when you do not feel cheerful. You need to be willing to be assertive about your needs.
If others expect you to be a certain way, don’t spend time with them. Instead, tell them the truth: “I am in grieving and do not feel like partying.”
If you are at an event and feel like you need to leave, take care of yourself. You can just leave and drop them a thank you note later. Or you can say, “Thank you for inviting me. I feel sad now and need to go home.”
During any family event, being true to yourself will help you through the difficult times. Being honest will even help you move more quickly through the grieving process. Feeling your grief will heal your heart and open it more fully. Then you can love yourself and others more deeply.
Dr. Doris Jeanette has an Internet Radio Show, Live at the Edge: http://www.ladybuglive.com/edge.htm
i did not attend family gathering. Too much, too soon for holiday cheer. My sister is mad at me and considers me a disappointment. I have invited her to lunch to explain. Se has declined, “HAS OTHER PLANS.” Help. Very cold behavior from a loved one. I lost my only son in April, 2010. She has 3 sons and 2 grandchildren. Just too sad and even a bit jealous to expose myself to this, so soon……Thanks Robin
Robin, so glad to hear you are being true to yourself. It is so hard to lose a child. I am sure your heart is broken and needs lots of love to heal.
Please ease up on your sister. Just because she has other plans does not mean she is being cold. Give yourself and her more room to breath and be. Be patient, ask her again for lunch. The two of you can make time for each other and have that honest talk you need to have.
I will try. But, I do not like her judging me this holiday. I do not feel that she is safe at this time. I hope that this will change. Pray for us. I was not in the mood for any holiday cheer. I lost my only son at the age of 21. She has lost nothing. Yes, I am mad at her lack of understanding. Robin
Robin
Have you tried writing down your feelings? This really helps. Psychological research shows that writing about your emotions for 15-20 minutes a day for 4 days in a row really makes a difference in how you feel.
With your huge loss, you need to express all your emotions. Writing is a safe way to do it. No one else ever has to read it. Just write down how you feel.
Hi Robin
I feel your pain… my only son Mitchell was killed in a car accident 4 weeks ago… My sister told me i was selfish that we where not attending the normal christmas celebrations… I was so angry with her that I just wanted to yell and scream and cause an argument, but in my foggy mind I decided not to become angry and allow myself to get stressed over her nonsense …. I have decided that if she and other family members dont understand my sorrow and respect my decision of no celebrations then i feel very sorry for her… Because and like your sister she obviously has no understanding…. Would you wish your pain and suffering on anyone else ?? I wouldnt….I dont want anyone to feel like I do because that means they have to suffer what we have…. And now a few weeks after christmas I have decided that I am wasting much needed energy on my thoughts and feelings about what others think of me and my actions…
Robin we are running on empty we need every ounce of energy just to get through each day…
So let your sister contact you and make the first move to sort it out… You have to be kind to yourself…
I live in Australia but if you would like you can email me anytime… Sometimes a problem shared is a problem halved…
Thank you Sonja. You mad my morning by sharing your story about family. Funny how similiar families react. I just wanted to be alone with my finance. He has been a real strength for me. He holds me when I cry and that is the most comfort I have. Know that i will walk beside you. My son was only 21 years old and died in suddent accident. I will email you. Thank you for your words for my morning. Robin
Having a safe place and safe people where you can cry your heart out is the best way to heal a broken heart. Sending you both warm pink hugs to hold you as you grieve. So helpful to support each other. Keep being true to yourself, no matter how hard it is to stay with yourself in your deep emotional pain.
Robin: It is all about you and those who are also grieving your loss. I am very blessed to have so many family and friends who supported me after I lost my son James, 22 years old after a 26 month battle with leukemia.
There was one situation in which my very good friend came to me a few days after my son passed. She was upset because I had asked her to contact one of our neighbors to tell them about my son passing. Well, I happened to talk with that neighbor before my friend could reach them and she became very upset that I told the neighbor first. I know, pure nonsense. I was working on coordinating my son’s Celebration of Life event and I really needed someone being upset with me because she didn’t get to tell someone else my son had passed.
My first reaction, was to lash out. I told my friend she needed to get over it, I was in no condition to listed to such nonsense as my head was spinning from my loss.
She stormed out and went to her house down the block. About 20 minutes later, I went to her house, walked in, said nothing and just gave her the biggest, tightest hug I could muster. I apologized for lashing out at her and told her I didn’t realize that she was grieving almost as much as I was.
We held on to each other tight for a long time, crying, laughing and pledging to work through this together.
The point in my story, is that though you are grieving and your heart is hurting, so are many others who are suffering the loss.
I found that through out my grieving process, though I received a tremendous amount of support I also had to and still do, support others. By doing so, I gained strength and it made me feel so good that I could in some way, pay back all the support I’d been given.
I send you wishes of peace, love and comfort. I don’t know that I will ever find complete and total peace or acceptance over the loss of my son, but I do know that I will survive and will do everything I can to help others who need help.
Sending you lots of love and hugs along with this message.
Scott