Coping with the Down Days

Coping With the Down Days

The year after my husband John died, my grief brain was at its peak. I wanted to give my brain a rest, but I couldn’t do that. There were dozens of tasks on my to-do list, and progress ranged from slow to nil.

Recovering from grief brain was a slow process that came in spurts. I never slipped into classical depression, thank goodness. My brain struggled to adapt to the loss of my beloved John and the onset of more grief. I often felt “down” and wondered if I really was getting depressed.

Clinical depression is a mental disorder that gets worse over time. This depression can get so bad that the person becomes nonfunctional. If I didn’t take some proactive steps to counter grief brain, my mind could turn to “squash rot,” the term my brother-in-law had used to describe mental decline.

I wanted to avoid squash rot. What steps could I take? It took months to answer this question. Some solutions were simple, yet when they were combined with others, the results were surprisingly effective. Even if I only took one baby step, I was moving forward.

Dealing with Situational Depression

I didn’t slip into classical depression after John died. Thank goodness. But I had “situational depression,” a response to a traumatic or stressful experience. John and I had discussed situational depression after Helen died, so I already knew about it. As time passed after John’s death, my sad, dour feelings eased and finally went away.

I helped myself by eating right, getting enough sleep, writing, and talking with other widows. I’m a visual learner, so marking the calendar with checkmarks helped me. I checked off the days when I had grief brain. In the beginning, most calendar squares were checked off. As the weeks passed, fewer squares were checked off. When I turned the calendar to the next month, no squares were checked off.

I was encouraged because I could see my progress clearly. Writing reminders on sticky notes helped me. I stuck notes everywhere—on the computer screen, the refrigerator door, the kitchen counter, and the bathroom mirror. It’s a wonder I didn’t stick a note on my nose!

Some experts don’t recommend sticky notes because they can get lost. The notes were clues to my day, and I didn’t lose any. I had considered keeping a grief brain log, but I didn’t do it. My books and articles served as my log. A diary and a log are different. You make daily entries in a diary, which can be a lot of work. You make regular entries in a log, which is less work. Entries may be weekly, every other week, or every two weeks— whatever works best.

Excerpted from Winning: A Story of Grief and Renewal: Hodgson MA, Harriet: 9781608082919: Amazon.com: Books.

Visit Harriet’s website: www.harriethodgson.net.

Read more by Harriet on Open to Hope: https://www.opentohope.com/get-a-grief-buddy/

Harriet Hodgson

Harriet Hodgson has been a freelancer for 43 years, is the author of thousands of articles, and 42 books, including 10 grief resources. She is Assistant Editor of the Open to Hope website, a member of the Association of Health Care Journalists, Alliance of Independent Authors, Minnesota Coalition for Grief Education and Support, and Grief Coalition of Southeastern Minnesota. She is well acquainted with grief. In 2007 four family members died—her daughter (mother of her twin grandchildren), father-in-law, brother (and only sibling) and the twins’ father. Multiple losses shifted the focus of Hodgson’s work from general health to grief resolution and healing. She has appeared on more than 185 radio talk shows, including CBS Radio, and dozens of television stations, including CNN. In addition to writing for Open to Hope, Hodgson is a contributing writer for The Grief Toolbox website and The Caregiver Space website. A popular speaker, she has given presentations at The Compassionate Friends national conference, Bereaved Parents of the USA national conference, and Zoom grief conferences. Her work is cited in Who’s Who of American Women, World Who’s Who of Women, Contemporary Authors, and other directories. For more information about this busy grandmother, great grandmother, author, and speaker please visit www.harriethodgson.com.