By Tom Zuba —

The death of someone we love transforms us.  It has to.  Over time, we decide whether we are going to consciously participate in that transformation or if the transformation is going to be unconscious.  It’s a decision we make daily.  As we countdown to the New Year and talk of resolutions, it’s the perfect time to create a plan to consciously participate in our transformation, to consciously create our new life.

Some concrete steps to consider include:

Commit to active mourning. Make the effort to find a therapist, a support group, a “grief buddy.”  Healing occurs when you find a safe place where you can excavate, explore and express your grief in the presence of others.  Being stoic, pretending, repressing, rejecting, ignoring all that wells up inside of you is not a path to healing.

Commit to going outside and walking in nature every day, even if it’s only for five minutes and you have to force yourself to do it.  Build up to ten minutes, then 15 or 20. Lose yourself in nature.  Over time, notice the change of seasons.  Spring always follows winter.  The days get brighter.  What appeared to be dead brings forth new life.

Commit to finding ways to release the heavy, burdensome energy stored in your body. A massage therapist cannot only help you physically relax but he/she can help your body release stored energy and even memory that no longer serves you. Consider working with a Reiki master or a Craniosacral therapist.  At the very least, the physical touch will be healing.

Commit to spending quiet time with yourself every day,?to simply BE with yourself and your new life. Again, even if you have to force yourself to be quiet and alone for five minutes – do it.  Over time, five minutes becomes 10, becomes 15, and then 20.  If you keep running from yourself and your new life, how can you live it?  How can you consciously participate in it?  Pray.  Meditate.  Ask.  Listen.  Be.  Receive.  Allow. Surrender.  Feel.

Commit to writing in a gratitude journal every day. Do this first thing in the morning or last thing at night.  Buy a journal.  Put it by your bed.  Write five things you are grateful for every day.  At first, you may simply be glad another day is over.  You may be thankful for the soft pillow, the comfortable bed, the warm blankets.  And then you may remember that the first cup of coffee actually tasted good and you’re grateful for that. And one day you notice the sun in the sky.

Commit to being gentle with yourself. Really gentle.  Trusting life enough so that you are willing to create new dreams takes time.  Lots of time.  As the saying goes, we often take one step forward and two steps back.  Healing is a process.  It’s a journey.  Be gentle.

As this New Year unfolds, set the intention to heal.  Set the intention to consciously participate in your own transformation. A New Year. A New Life.

Tom Zuba is an author, inspirational speaker, and workshop facilitator. Reach him through his website,

Tags: ,

Tom Zuba

Tom Zuba believes that loss cracks us open, giving us the opportunity to consciously participate in the transformation that awaits us. Tom’s 18-month-old daughter Erin died suddenly in 1990. His 43-year-old wife Trici died equally as suddenly on New Year’s Day 1999 and his 13-year-old son Rory died from brain cancer in 2005. Tom and his teenage son Sean are learning to live a full, joy-filled life, one day at a time. He is an author, inspirational speaker, and workshop facilitator who appeared in April 1999 with best selling author Gary Zukav on The Oprah Winfrey Show. Tom appeared on the radio show “Healing the Grieving Heart” talking about “What Do I Do Now; Dealing with Multiple Loss.” To hear Tom being interviewed, go to the following link:

More Articles Written by Tom