Echoes of Earlier Losses

Unfortunately, many of us have experienced compound grief from multiple losses – either more than one sibling, a child/sibling, sibling/parent, sibling/grandchild, or partner/child. The death of my father three decades after losing my beloved sisters Margie and Jane, triggered feelings I kept dormant.

When Margie and Jane died, I didn’t know what grief was. Siblings are the forgotten mourners and take on the role of caretakers. I fast tracked life, ignoring my own grief. I don’t recall Margie and Jane’s funerals. With my father, the experience was totally different. I was present for his last breath, spoke at the funeral, and remember a rare October snowstorm.

The shock of Jane’s car accident in 1981 forever changed me. At age twenty-five, clueless about grief and with no one to talk to, I suppressed the emotions. Margie’s struggle with anorexia and bulimia for twenty years put her life at risk, but her death devastated me. I shut down emotionally. On the outside, I looked strong and resilient. But not dealing with the grief took a toll.

Father’s Death Echoed Earlier Losses

My father’s death shocked me to mourn Margie and Jane, understand grief, and the impact it had on my life. With a strong presence of my sisters, my life felt broken and splintered.

After thirty years to face the grief, going into intense therapy was one of the most challenging things I did. Scars remain, those echoes of earlier losses. but with the support of many, and digging deep into myself to better understand grief, I continued my grief journey.

I needed to find the parts of myself that got lost after Margie and Jane died. I took on the caretaker roll in all aspects of my life – personally and professionally. Part of the therapy involved restoration, carving out time for me. What gives me joy? After decades of caregiving, changing the pattern is not easy. Another piece was allowing myself to feel the emotions – sadness, crying, and joy. Talking about Margie and Jane, sharing the stories, bringing them full circle back into my life.

Funerals Still Echo Earlier Losses

Today, I am unable to attend funerals. When I attend, the moment I sit down, my body feels the tremors and shakes knowing a full tsunami of sobbing forthcoming. Going through wads of tissues, and red eyed, why am I am putting myself through this? The answer is I don’t have to. Piece by piece, I am learning the complexities of the grieving process. Taking care of myself is not an easy lesson to be learned.

Writing a daily journal keeps me centered. I find it keeps my feelings in check as I work on me and my grief. Having Margie and Jane a stronger presence, not in the chorus, but in a staring role, has helped me with remembering stories, and anchoring my life. I am, was and will be Judy, the middle of three sisters. Being the middle sister of Margie and Jane defines me.

Read more from Judy Lipson on Open to Hope: https://www.opentohope.com/selecting-songs-…honor-loved-ones/

Purchase Judy Lipson’s book at https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1608082679/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i0