Some things in life just go together like the dropped ice cream on the ground and a toddler’s cry or a young son’s first goodbye and a mother’s tears. When the first one occurs, it is followed by the second. It is more than an expectation, more than most of the time. It actually “comes with the territory” of dropped ice cream or a son’s good-bye. In a similar fashion, tasks of life are things that are more than expectations. They are things that “come with the territory”: autumn will come each year and leaves will be raked, the dryer will finish and clothes will be folded, the recently acquired puppy arrives, and poop will be picked up. These tasks are known, and they happen every time. They may be avoided, ignored, put off, or denied, but they remain to be done. Just as Billy may not be allowed to go to the skate park with Jimmy until his room is picked up, his bed is made, and the dogs are given fresh water, his “tasks” must be completed for him to enjoy the experience of skateboarding. And so it is with the process of grief. The grief process has three tasks that need consideration after the experience of deep personal loss. These tasks come as partners with the experience of loss and the process of grief. They are not like the requirements of planning the memorial service or contacting family and friends or rewriting a will. Each task may continue for a long time with changes in how it is addressed, or it may find helpful and comforting responses quite readily. There is no time requirement or expectation of completion or judgment of success. Each of the first two will be attended to when they can be, how they can be and with whatever energy is available.

When the loss of a spouse or partner or beloved family member happens it changes a person. The view of their life with that person is changed: the future may look entirely different, memories of a shared past may create strong emotional reactions and day-to-day patterns of life may be disrupted or greatly altered. As such a loss brings personal changes and may require change in several parts of life there are three “tasks” of grief which follow the loss. The tasks may remain the same but the responses to each may change and evolve as time passes. One task may feel resolved completely, another may be “in process” and feel different over time and one may happen with little or no thought.

  “Redefine the Relationship”

The first task of grief is to redefine the relationship with the loved one who has died. That relationship never ceases, it only changes and now it must be redefined. When a parent dies the redefined relationship may contain moments of reflection with acknowledgment of gratitude or regrets. It may contain rituals that occur on certain important days or even a commitment to a shared passion or charity. When a child dies a parent must now define their relationship in a way that allows for sadness over unfulfilled milestones of life but also for feelings of gratitude for the time shared with their child. When a spouse or partner dies many choices may be made to redefine the new relationship in ways which are helpful initially but may change as time passes. One person may want to remove articles of remembrance such as photos or clothing or special personal gifts. One person may decide to begin an end each day with a conversation or journal entry. Redefining the relationship allows for whatever may provide a sense of comfort and peace with the physical loss of the relationship. This must be done because the relationship never ends.

“Keeping the Memory Alive”

     A second task of grief is determining how to keep the memory of a lost loved one alive. This is a task that may often and easily change over time. Initially after the death it may seem that friends or family avoid conversation about a lost loved one and one person might decide that he/she will always make reference to their loved one by using their name in conversation and that they will never avoid sharing happy experiences from the past with others. Regular visits to the cemetery or the place where ashes have been spread may occur on special days. A commitment to continue support of a charity or function that had special meaning to a loved one is a way to keep their memory alive. For some, a special tatoo may be created and worn or a tree may be planted in a special place. Keeping the memory alive can happen in many ways and what feels most important soon after the loss may be replaced by something else after time passes.

Just as the first task of grief involves movement—doing something, creating something, turning thoughts into an action—so too does this second one. The action may be to change something in a pattern of life or it may be to continue a life pattern that allows a person to acknowledge their loss and to appreciate the memories created by the relationship. The process of grief can sometimes lend itself to becoming less sensitive about the quality of the life being lived each day. Spending time with others may become unimportant or greatly reduced. Exercise or physical movement may become less frequent or cease and too little or too much sleep may happen as well. Reading books or periodicals may be lost to sitting and watching endless television shows or staying indoors for extended periods of time. Each of the these first two “tasks of grief” are invitations to think, to reflect, to learn from others, to consider new choices and to do something in life that is different than anything done before.

“Creating a New History”

The third task of grief is to create a new history of life. This does not mean that anything is replaced or altered that is already a part of a life experience. This task requires only that life continues and each moment, month and year becomes part of the new history that is being added to the existing life history which included the physical presence of a lost loved one. This task does, however, allow for the conscious choice of experiences that may add joy, fulfillment, peace and comfort or endless possibilities to life. Memories may give feelings of sadness AND happiness, tears AND laughter, or gratitude AND regret. A new life history only adds to the experience of loss and grief and can begin to balance deep feelings of sadness or loneliness. This task, like the first two, is partner with grief. It always follows a profound loss and is accomplished by continuing to be alive.

When Billy completed his tasks he was allowed to join Jimmy and enjoy the experience of skateboarding. As these three tasks find responses enjoyment in life also finds more ways to become reality each day. They are sometimes easy to ignore or avoid but they really do “come with the territory” of grief.