Without you, my world seems too big. I don’t know how to fill the space that was you. I only know sometimes I get lost in it.
The space left by you seemed to mock me. It followed me relentlessly. It threatened to consume me. Well-meaning friends pretended not to see the space you left. Others tried to get me to ignore it to, to pretend it wasn’t there, or to fill it quickly with other people, other things.
I tried to tell them it didn’t work that way. I tried to reason with them. They tried to reason with me. All of it just made me more tired. I got frustrated and decided it was simpler to just not be with people except the people I knew who were also grieving. They did not expect anything from me. I was not a disappointment to them. They accepted me as I was and helped me not feel so alone.
Every now and then, someone disappeared from this circle, sometimes without warning. Sometimes they shared it was time to spread their wings and fly. It was time to leave the safety of the circle. It was time again to get involved with new things, new people, and perhaps even some of those they’d left behind.
Once in awhile, some of these people came back, saying it was too soon, too hard but most did not. Those who returned were welcomed with open arms, no questions asked.
One day I realized I was feeling stifled and confined. The people were just as kind and understanding, but I didn’t fit anymore. I knew it was time to get on with my life. The people who had been such a comfort to me would always hold a special place in my heart, but it was my time, my turn to move on. So with a mixture of excitement and trepidation I did, and I began to live again.