Why us?

There seems to be an invisible cord that connects parents who have lost children. I can’t tell you how many times I’ll be in line at the post office or in a store and someone will mention to their friend about the child they lost. The other day I was at the grocery store and the checker was asking the woman in front of me how she was doing, referring to a loss. It turned out she lost a child. The woman behind me said I know how she feels, five years ago she lost a child.

Wow, and of course I had to chime in about my son. Then we all took that familiar deep sigh and slow smile the “ I know how you feel” smile, as the cashier looked on in disbelief.

I have always felt that we are all connected but this brings it to another level. It’s almost as if before we came into this world we were all told,

“You people that are standing over there under the sign that says: Heartbreaking events followed by extreme growth.” I want you to know that you are going to be incredible mothers. Some days will be easy and some days are going to be very difficult but you will have the strength to handle anything that comes your way.

And, before you can say, “Really? Maybe I should check out that group under the party sign with the balloons,” you’re on your way to earth with your angels and guides who will always be with you from your birth to taking you back to pure spirit.

At home, days later, you start to get the lay of the land and embark on your life. And whether it lasts an hour or years, you will leave your mark. You will have a family and love that family beyond yourself.

When it came to the death of your child, you felt no one, not even God, came to your aid. But He knew in His divine wisdom that you made the choice to grow and be blessed by your son or daughter’s short but powerful life with you. It was a fleeting, challenging path to follow. Our children who seemed to vanish so quickly left their imprint on this earth touching many who grew by knowing them. You became a shining example to others for your bravery even though, at the time, you didn’t see it through your curtain of pain.

If we had it to do all over again, if we were asked if we wanted to have this child, knowing we would go through this grief, we would say yes. We would take all the pain just to spend those precious years we had with our child rather than to never have had the honor of being their mother and receiving their unending grace every minute of every day.

We must move forward with the knowledge that everything happens as it was planned.  Believe it or not, you were such a golden light of wisdom in spirit that you said yes to it all before you even came here.

Vicky Bates 2011


Vicky Bates

After 18 years of marriage and career, we decided to adopt two babies. My oldest had many health issues which after 10 years led to a fatal anaphylactic shock. I believe that my spiritual beliefs helped me understand that the tragedies we face challenge us to confront our pain and slowly work through it. That is what I did through helping with hospice and watching the process of transition for the dying and seeing that even in the hardest times the gentle kindness of humor is a necessary tool.

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