As time progresses, new reasons to mourn may rap on your door. Birthdays, anniversaries, milestones, major holidays—even seemingly innocuous events may reignite sorrow. A veil of tears might distort your vision as your grandchild toddles around. If only my husband could see his latest grandchild learn to walk. Conversely, if your child died or went missing, the growth of other people’s kids might activate strong reactions. Consider revisiting this book then.
It is also helpful to face significant dates with a ritual. According to Drs. Evan Imber-Black and Janine Roberts, “when healing rituals have not occurred, or have been insufficient to complete the grief processes, a person can remain stuck in the past or unable to move forward in meaningful ways” (Evan Imber-Black and Janine Roberts, Rituals for our Times: Celebrating, Healing, and Changing Our Lives and Our Relationships).
What kind of rituals? For ideas, consult your family, elders, and of course, the parts of your own soul. This is what one of my clients does on a regular basis. Every year, Nina checks in with her internal system in anticipation of significant dates surrounding her mother’s death. Since Nina never married, she moved in to care for Mom after her father died. The dutiful daughter has done numerous activities in honor of Mom’s memory—from eating at the diner she liked, to watching Gone with the Wind (Mom’s favorite movie), to buying peonies, Mom’s favorite flower, to decorate her grave with.
But what if your loss had no exact date, like in the case of a missing soldier? Imber-Black and Roberts suggest gathering loved ones together on the date your person went missing. In the case of suicide or other losses imbued with shame, consider throwing an un-birthday party—a celebration of the person’s life on a day that is not the person’s birthday.
Christmas and Thanksgiving mark another major time to greet your parts with an extra embrace. Because society equates Christmastime with cheer, some parts might feel pressured to plaster on a peppy look. Likewise for Thanksgiving—for those of us in North America—since Thanksgiving typically gathers families around.
The glaring absence of family members who have passed on is bound to breed sorrow, especially the first time your family gathers. As such, please avail your parts of an additional dose of compassion around these annual markers. Face your loss. Vocalize how this year’s holiday season is different because of grief.
Talk to your parts the way you would a hurting friend. Don’t wait until a trigger flusters you before you scamper inward to calm parts down.
On that note, whenever you are triggered, it means a part feels a direct hit. Restore your equilibrium by finding out the part within your system that became activated. (Just ask inside.) Once you have an idea on the identity, focus on that part. Ask, What happened? What triggered you? Befriend, listen, witness its story. Use this same sequence anytime a trigger activates any part.
Taken from Grieving Wholeheartedly by Audrey Davidheiser. Copyright (c) 2025 by Audrey Davidheiser. Used by permission of InterVarsity Press. www.ivpress.com
