If only…… If only….. If only……. If only……… If only……..
Most everyone has their share in life of “if only’s.” If only I were better looking, more popular, made more money, lived in a better neighborhood, were more organized, creative, articulate, athletic, had grandchildren, had more faith, had my sister’s curly hair and long eyelashes. So many “if only’s”and” what then’s.”
When our loved one dies suddenly we have a whole new list of “if only’s”. On top of everything else, our aching heart, our desperate longing to have our loved one back, our sleepless nights, our lost sense of purpose; we wander a road full of “if only’s.” We are already traveling a path we did not choose, struggling to find our way, and from out of nowhere uninvited and unbidden, they come, the “if only’s.”
If only he had left 5 minutes later. If only she would have seen a doctor sooner. If only I’d have pushed harder, insisted, if only I’d prayed harder… If only I had prayed at all…. If only the ambulance hadn’t taken so long, if only I’d taken that CPR course, if only I’d loved him or her more, shown it more, if only I’d stayed with him.
As we tread through this land mine of pain and confusion and uncertainty; as doubts and regrets continue to assail us; as our heart longs for a moment of comfort and of peace; many of us wonder if we will ever find our way back to the life we once knew. Many of us desperately try to recreate it, becoming more and more frustrated as we do, the past as it was; is no more…..and that truth eludes us and mocks us.
Even as our head begins to accept the reality of the death our hearts fiercely reject it. Our mind and hearts scream, cry, plead , If only I could have one more dance, one more kiss, one more hug, one more I love you, one more minute.
Some where we realize that even if that wish were granted it would not be enough, we would not be ready, to let go, to say goodbye. We would want one more if only
Next month will be what would have been my son’s twenty-ninth birthday. He was 14 when he died. I will always want another hug, another kiss, another I love you. Though time has erased the pain some of the if only’s continue and now I know that’s okay.
Deb Kosmer 2012