Four years ago, I lost my beautiful 23-year-old daughter, Keren, on March 18, 2006. Therefore, I know firsthand how painful it is to lose a child. At first, I really didn’t think I would survive, and almost didn’t. I knew I needed help and reached out through the internet to find other grieving parents, who would understand my pain and grief. I needed to know that I was not alone.
At that time, I couldn’t bring myself to attend a grief group, or even leave my house. I felt that I could barely stand up because I was so weighed down by grief. So for me, the computer was the only avenue to reach out for help. I found the help I was seeking and I wanted to give back by reaching out to aid other grieving parents. So I started an online grief support message board, http://griefsupport.proboards.com/ with my friend and fellow bereaved mother, Gladis Alcorta.
I felt so alone till I started bonding with other bereaved parents. Even though I was surrounded by family and friends, I did not personally know another parent who had lost a child. I was beginning to feel bitter and rejected by life, everything I believed in or thought I knew didn’t seem to make sense anymore. I was withdrawing into myself and even questioning if life was still worth living after the loss of my beloved daughter.
But then as I started sharing and talking about my child online with other grieving parents, I didn’t feel so isolated in my pain anymore. There were other wonderful moms and dads out there who were feeling just as I was. As we shared our fears, uncertainties, heartaches, sorrows and even our hopes, a little light started to come back into our lives. Very faint at first, but the more we shared, wrote, and talked about our grief and our beloved children; slowly the light began to brighten.
A single thread is easily broken, but when many are gathered together, they become stronger and cannot be torn. Our sorrow has brought us together, and our website has become a tapestry of love for us and others who have lost their beautiful children. We know they are still with us and that we will see them again one day. Through this capacity to love, we still live and our love will go on. We are survivors.
This is for all the parents new on this grief journey. We all grieve differently and there is no time table on grief, but for me, at first I could not feel any joy or happiness. All I felt were small moments of comfort. So I did little, simple things to bring myself comfort. Here are some things I did and you can do as well to bring yourself moments of comfort:
-Bond with a new pet
-Spoil yourself a little
-Take a vacation
-Take a class on something you have always found interesting
-Take long hot baths
-Take up walking or a sport
-Read a book
-Work in the garden
-Writing/poetry
It really helps to keep your child’s memory alive and share with others. Some ways you can do this are:
-Doing something in your child’s name
-Create a memorial (Online or elsewhere)
-Share your memories of your beloved child with others who want to listen
There are a few things I learned the hard way after my loss. It is very important to know:
– The first two years after losing a child are hell on earth.
– What you are feeling is perfectly normal.
– Sharing and bonding with other parents along the grief path helps.
The worst thing you can do is listen to the advice of people who have not experienced the loss of a child. Unfortunately, there are people out there that think they are right and something is wrong with you. Many of them do not understand and will tell you things such as, “You need to get over this and move on” or “You shouldn’t celebrate your child’s life.”
To celebrate, talk and write about our children keeps them alive to us. You need not feel so alone and that is why groups like ours can be so helpful. We are here for you, we understand, we know. For our pain is yours and after a bit of time you will see a little light come back into your life. We are survivors and I truly believe with all my heart that our children want us to heal and always remember the good times. Our children are still with us and watching over us.
Tags: grief, hope
I recently joined this terrible club. Louise is absolutely correct about finding people that understand and ignoring those that think you will ‘get over it’. Stay away from them-it only creates more confusion and anger when, on top of the grief, you have to listen to what people that don’t understand think. Of course, get professional help if you need it-some do need the meds to help through the darkness, but of most help are the people that belong to this terrible club-those that just listen, understand, and support.
As Laaura says we have been cast into this awful club that never in a million years, would we want to be. I am so thankful that Louise reached out to me and made me aware of grief support.
I lost my beautiful Andrew 16 months ago and each day has been HELL ON EARTH. He was my youngest of three sons.
I have met two wonderful women here through Hospice Grief Group. We have bonded and each of our children died within 3 months of each other. We meet monthly for dinner and talk. Our conversations are about our loss,and we call each other weekly for support.
Andrew lives on in my heart and is always with me. I will not let him be forgotten.
Great article! Louise has been an inspirational and comfort to so many grieving parents and family members.
this article hits the mark when you have suffered the loss of a child..thank you louise for the suggestions, and for helping us understand we are not alone with our emotions after we lose the most precious thing in the world..
How does a parent survive the death of their precious child? The answer lies pretty much in what Louise has stated in her article above.
I have quoted Louise on what I feel is a daily reminder to us grieving parent’s in our lives to continue on this grief journey.
“Our sorrow has brought us together, and our website has become a tapestry of love for us and others who have lost their beautiful children”
Louise, great article and you are truly a beautiful person by helping so many parents’ deal with their grief on a daily basis.
In Loving Memory of Jason Andrew Alcorta
Louise, that is such a beautiful article. I know thaat will help alot of grieving parents,
Louise,
Laura Tucker sent me a link to this website. I have been reading the articles. They are very well written.
Crawford’s 3rd Angelversary is in May. Yes, the first two years have been very hard. It seems like it’s continuing on, though. Some days, I feel like it was just last week that Crawford died. Others; it seems as though he died many more years than it really has been. Time has been all jumbled up since he died.
I read the article about parents divorcing after the loss of a child. Well, my situation is a little different. I’m the only one grieving within my family. His birth mother and I divorced when he was 2. We shared him in joint custody until he was 9. She relingished custody to me and he lived with me and his step-mother until he died at the age of 18. His step-mother; my wife, doesn’t have the grief and depression from his death as I do. My son and her never got close. I have no one to share my grief with other than sharing his memory among others on websites. This has helped; but, there still is a strain on my marriage.
Who ever coined the phrase; “Time will heal all wounds”; never lost a child. Maybe, time will help my marriage, though. Even though it hasn’t helped with my grief of losing my son.
I’ll keep in touch with you on Virtual-Memorials.com.
With only memories left of them………………………..
Alan Carnahan (father to Crawford Carnahan 1988 to 2007)
Alan, my name is Sandra Anderson, and that;s the website I go to and find comfort,talking to and listening to others.Go and visit my daughter’s page and sign her guestbook and I will visit Crawford’s also.
Dear Louise,
I can’t thank you enough for helping me with my grief. Even though it will 6 years April 22, I still grieve for my only daughter, Olivia. My daughter was just 14 years old when she died of sudden cardiac arrest. Like you, I didn’t think it was possible to survive and live without my daughter. I was completely broken and didn’t know how I could be “fixed”. I can remember the first night without my daughter, I kept thinking to myself this isn’t real, this can’t be happening but it was. That night as I was lying in bed, I heard “Mommy, give me a kiss”..I remember opening my eyes and I heard it again. Everything is still so vivid in my mind. I told Olivia “Honey, I can’t reach you”. Again, she said the same thing, “Mommy, give me a kiss”. I lifted my head and kissed her. I started crying and woke up my husband and told him that Olivia had just kissed me goodbye. Many dreams followed that first year.
The first few days, weeks and months were spent in Olivia’s room on her bed. I emptied her clothes hamper and just held all of her clothes to my face and cried. I couldn’t remove anything and I made sure that no one touched anything in her room. That first year was pure agony. I struggled to get out of bed, take a shower, eat or even focus on anything. I was told many times that I had to get on with my life. I had to let Olivia go, give her peace, let her rest. I still hear this and I get angry. I know people mean well but unless you’ve experienced the loss of a child, you just don’t know the depth of the pain.
Louise, again, thank you for being there with all your love and support.
Corinne,
Olivia’s mom
Your expression of feelings is quite accurate except in my case I feel as though I failed as a parent. I should have protected my child at all costs. I couldn’t be with him 24/7 but that cord that binds us appears to have weakened. I should have known he was in distress. I will never forgive myself for all the missing conversations, all the moments I could have texted “I Love You” and didn’t. My son was a gift of light and I let it burn out. No amount of time will wear away these feelings. I am sorry.
I felt the same way many times. Louise is right that the first 2 years are pure hell and you need to take the advice given,it will help you get through those years and understand what you are feeling. /we have all been there. It does not matter how your child died loosing that part of you is a trumatic experience it the worse.
I have known the author of this article for most of my (forty years) life! The death of Louise’s daughter was without a doubt the most shattering and traumatic event of our friendship. I watched helplessly as my oldest and dearest friend was forced to endure the worst pain a human being, and a mother, can possibly have forced upon them. Not only did she have to become the “grieving parent”, she was also thrown into a role as a teacher. We who have never suffered the loss of a child cannot even imagine the unspeakable pain of coping with the enormity of such a loss. My grief stricken friend had suddenly become my advisor. What I saw emerge was not only a grieving parent but one who had the capability of empathetically placing herself in the shoes of others in her life that needed to know “what to do?”… for their grief stricken friends. This woman, since the passing of her beautiful and talented daughter has without a doubt become my hero! How could one woman endure such unspeakable pain, and yet make herself available to not just family and friends that needed to be educated and informed but to the entire world! I am honored to tell the world and share with the world one of my oldest friends and one of the most inspiring, dedicated people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.
Great article Lousie, You are a God send..and I love all that you do to help us parents of Angels ?..
Louise,
Thank you so much for everything….after losing Hayden I felt no hope and then another angel mother sent me to grief support where I have found so much comfort and friends who listen to me talk about Hayden, help me through the pain and are great people.
Louise,
I remember a few months after Keren died, I told you that one day you would find yourself helping other parents in their time of need. That day has certainly come. Beautiful article Louise and certainly good advice about not listing to anyone who tells you when YOUR grief should end. It never does, it just takes a different path and I am glad yours has taken you here.
Louise,
Your thoughts and words have and will touch so many people. May you continue on your journey helping others who have had the the same horrific experience as you.
Thank you all so much for your beautiful comments
I love each and everyone of you
because of your friendship and love
I go on……….
Louise.
Wonderful Article,You all helped me so much in my grief and I know it will help other grieving parents also.You and your grieve side have become my best friends.I do not know what I would do without all of you!!!!
God bless you all!!!