Chances are that you grew up in a two-parent family, a mom and a dad. Went to a local school, away to college, perhaps married, and maybe even had children of your own. If you are like many of us, then tragedy struck, and your mother (or father) passed away, leaving your surviving parent a widower. He, or she, has mourned the loss and, in time, while still embracing the memories of your departed parent, met someone new and fell in love, ready once again to enjoy a full life, perhaps to even re-marry, and you find yourself exchanging parenting roles as you concerns are not unlike that of your parents when you dated, fell in love and perhaps eventually married. While their expectation is that you will be thrilled when your older parent finds happiness in remarriage or has someone special in his life, it is seldom that simple.

It could be that you have been protective of your parent, especially caring since he or she became a widower and are uncomfortable with someone else taking over your role. Or perhaps this new person is assuming the role of your much-loved deceased parent. You may perceive the new partner as competition for your parent’s time or may have difficulty thinking of your parent as a sexually active person, especially if your parent’s involvement is with a younger woman.

Although the choice of mates is solely that of your parent, he or she will, naturally, be influenced by your opinion, suggestions, feeling and certainly your actions. As such, be aware that the more accepting you are, the easier it will be to deal with the problems intrinsic in blending and re-blending families. You can lessen the pain of assimilating new people into family gatherings, for example, by being welcoming and flexible, with a willingness to establish new family traditions.

Often there are financial or inheritance issues that can be sticky. In this case, try seeing things differently. Try to think of your new family members as more people to love you and your family as an extended support system.

With a life of your own and different priorities than when you were younger, consider what’s really important and allow the small things to fall by the wayside. Establish weekend visits, holiday meals, occasional celebrations, perhaps vacations together in a new way. So what if your parent’s choice is not ideal. Be appreciative that someone cares for your father. Consider these suggestions:

~ Do try to put yourself in your parent’s shoes and consider how difficult it might be for them to be caught in an emotional tug-of-war between their new love and adult child.

~ Do keep reminding yourself that your parent is an adult and has the right, and smarts, to choose their new mate.

~ Don’t put your parent in the position of having to choose between your love and that of their new mate when both are important to their sense of well-being.

~ Don’t discuss issues such as family inheritance, your late parent’s possessions, and your feelings of being pushed aside by their new love when angry. Try to understand where your angry feelings are coming from so that you can calmly discuss your concerns with sensitivity and caring.

Keeping the channels of communication open for discussion, dialogue and sharing of experiences requires listening, and not necessarily agreeing. Each party needs to be heard and wants to be understood. Joy is to be treasured; the challenge lies in working it out in a way that is respectful to family members. The reality is that being gracious takes less psychic time and energy, and you may indeed grow to like, even love, your parent’s new spouse or partner. Family harmony often means only relatively minor-changes in long held perceptions or entirely new perspectives that genuinely reflect your own maturity.

From THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF: The Journey Through Loss to Life and Laughter (ISBN 1-932783-48-2) http://www.championpress.com/grief/healingpowerofgrief.htm and THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love, http://www.championpress.com/grief/healingpoweroflove.htm (ISBN 1-932783-51-2) by Gloria Lintermans & Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T., Champion Press, 2006

Gloria Lintermans is the co-author with Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T. of THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love; http://www.championpress.com

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Gloria Lintermans

Los Angeles-based Gloria Lintermans is a former internationally syndicated columnist. Her column appeared in English and Spanish language newspapers across the U.S. from Hawaii to New York, and worldwide from Saudi Arabia to South America. Lintermans is the author of THE HEALING POWER OF GRIEF: The Journey Through Loss to Life and Laughter, (Champion Press, 2006), THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love (Champion Press, 2006), CHEAP CHIC: A Guide to LA's Resale Boutiques (1990), the "ultimate guide to recycled fashion," and forerunner of RETRO CHIC: A Guide to Fabulous Vintage and Designer Resale Shopping in North America & Online (Really Great Books, Los Angeles, 2002) and THE NEWLY DIVORCED BOOK OF PROTOCOL, (Barricade Books, New York, 1995). A freelance writer, she has also written for national and local magazines. Lintermans has appeared on radio and television talk shows across the country including: the "Donna Mason Show," Raleigh, NC; "Steve Kalk Show," Beaver Falls, PA; "Morning Drive with John Dawson," Albany, GA; "Tim Quinn Show," Bridgeport, CT, "What You Should Know About," Philadelphia, PA; "Memphis in the Morning," Memphis, TN; "Kent Slocum Show," Grand Rapids, MI; "The Michael Jackson Show," Los Angeles, CA, among others. She has hosted her own "Looking Great with Gloria Lintermans" cable television and radio shows and is a popular lecturer and commentator. Lintermans is a member of The Authors Guild, Inc., the National Society of Newspaper Columnists and A.F.T.R.A. (American Federation of Television & Radio Artists). Lintermans lives in Los Angeles. Gloria appeared on the radio show “Healing the Grieving Heart” with Dr. Gloria & Dr. Heidi Horsley to discuss “The Healing Power of Grief.” To hear Gloria being interviewed on this show, click on the following link: www.voiceamericapd.com/health/010157/horsley022808.mp3

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