By Debra Reagan —
“My son died of a drug overdose.” This is one of the most difficult sentences I have ever spoken in my life. Every time I opened my mouth to speak these words, my throat felt as though it was closing. I wanted to be truthful about his death in the hope that someone else could benefit from this tragedy. I also felt I owed it to family members to be honest with myself and with others. Oh, but the pain was so deep and heavy.
There were times I privately wished the cause of death had been different. I imagined another cause would not have had the same level of shame and guilt attached. I wondered if perhaps I would not have felt the same level of isolation if the cause had been different.
I now believe that no matter the cause of death, the pain of losing a child is basically the same for all parents. With this in mind, I believe we each must learn to process the factors that make our loss unique.
Five years before Clint’s death, we battled the challenges and struggles that come along with a mental illness and drug addiction. Our lives were turned upside down with chaos and confusion. Soon after my son’s death, it seemed I could only recall every argument we had ever experienced. The tapes continued to play in my head, each time finding a decision I now questioned.
These thoughts added to my pain. Weeks grew into months and I continued to view myself as the worst mother on earth. I couldn’t remember anything positive I had ever done. I heard that talking and sharing were an important part of the healing process. Yet, I held all these thoughts inside. I was so ashamed; how could I share these feelings with anyone?
I remember rejecting my first positive memory. Then I realized how unfair I was being with myself. From that moment forward, when a negative memory came to mind, I forced myself to recall a positive memory from our history as mother and child.
Soon I began to accept the truth; we had shared far more wonderful memories than negative ones. And most of all that even during the difficult times, we were being a typical family responding typically to a stressful situation. Slowly, I began to understand that each of us had done the best we could with what we knew and understood at the time. It was unfair to judge myself with any new information I had gathered after his death.
Eventually, I found my voice along with a level of peace. I no longer feel the same anger and guilt. I know that had Clint lived and matured, we would have worked past our struggles. Now, it was up to me to work past these for both of us. I am learning that with time and healing, I can honor all my feelings. Drugs are no longer in the forefront of the memories of my precious son. My son’s life was more than the way he died.
Debra Reagan can be reached through the website she maintains for her son at www.clint-reagan.memory-of.com.
By Debra Reagan, written in loving memory of our son, Clint T. Reagan, 5/15/85-8/6/05.
Tags: grief, hope
This is a beautiful tribute to your son. My son also died of an overdose two years ago, and I can relate to everything you stated in your positng. I too loved my son more than life, and wouldv’e done anything to change the outcome, but the drugs got to him before we could find the proper help. Being also he was over 21 years of age, the healthcare industry doesn’t look to the parents in these type of situations, which only makes the situation more difficult. I wish you peace, and thank you for sharing. Now I hope I too can move on to remembering the love of my life….because my son and I shared so much good in the short time he was on this earth. Linda
Debra,
Thank you for sharing your story. My grief journey is similar to yours in many ways, as I’m sure many other bereaved parents have felt the same way.
Truly, our children lived meaningful lives which were not defined by the circumstances around their death. When I think about my son, I don’t just think about the end of his life, but rather I think about his entire 19 years.
He brought amazing joy and grace into our family, just as I’m sure your son did.
To only remember the painful end would be unfair to us, and to our sons.
Being the Lenten season, I spent a few moments with my spiritual advisor the other day. I was missing my son and regressing back into my “guilt and regret mode.” My advisor gave good counsel. He reminded me that my son was a good person who loved, and who was loved by many people in his life. “His life was, therefore, a success story,” he told me. His words comforted me.
May you always remember the love.
Dearest Fellow Travelers,
It means a lot to me that both of you took the time to share with me. My heart aches for all of us that have lost children.
Anne-Thank you for sharing the advice of your counselor. He certainly gave us all words to warm our spirits. It is not the number of days that makes one’s life a success. Thank you for your words of comfort and support.
Linda-Two years is still so recent. Thank you for taking time from your journey to share with me. We also found the treatment to be more difficult once our son became an adult. Thank you for your thoughts of peace.
I can tell by your thoughtful notes that both of you were wonderful caring mothers with beautiful sons. Young people with these struggles are not bad children from troubled family. They are gentle souls with loving and generous hearts.
Gentle Hugs,
Debra Reagan
My son just recently died of an apparent drug overdose at the age of 25, it has only been 2 weeks so we don’t have the official cause of death yet but everything that has been found points in that direction. finding these posts has been helpful to me as it is all so fresh and new.
through our faith we believe that he is no longer struggling with those addictions but we are also going through all of the feelings of “what more could we have done?” that will haunt us always.
My son touched many lives with his sense of humor and good natured ways as we found out at his funeral with the many many friends that came to pay respects so I believe that to be one of his legacy’s.
with God’s grace we can survive this senseless loss.
thank you
Lori,
I am so very sorry about the death of your 25 year-old son. Two weeks is so recent and my heart aches for you. Your precious son sounds like a wonderfully caring young man. He will be remembered in the hearts of many that knew him. You may never know the full impact his life had on others.
We also had to wait for a final report on our son’s death. The wait was hard even though we knew about the drug abuse. The ruling came back accidental drug overdose and pneumonia.
You will never “get over “losing your child, but one day the deep anguish will subside a bit and you will begin to see hope again. I didn’t believe this would ever happen for me, but it has. Until that happens for you take care of yourself, because grieving the loss of a child can be the most difficult thing you have ever endured. Be patient and honor the grief. It is because we love so much that we hurt so much. Remember you are not alone. You might want to see if there is a Compassionate Friends group in your area.
Gentle Hugs,
Debra Reagan
My husband and I lost our beloved 31-year-old son to a multiple drug overdose on December 1, 2002. He was a paramedic and an RN and the kindest, most compassionate person ever. We were incredibly close. He was always rescuing stray animals and championing their cause. He was a wonderful person with a horrible disease.
Since his death I’ve written 3 books on drugs and addiction and also many, many articles online. I’ve become a member of the Parents Advisory Board of the Partnership for a Drug-Free America. Right now we’re working on eliminating the stigma associated with a drug-related death.
When my son first died and I was asked the cause of his death, all I could bring myself to say was that his heart stopped. Well that was true enough to be sure but of course didn’t tell the whole story. I was too ashamed to admit that our son was a drug addict.
Thankfully, with time I’ve learned so much about the disease and am no longer ashamed of the reason for my son’s death. I came to learn that GOOD KIDS DO DRUGS TOO!
I receive emails every day from people all over the world telling me how much my books are helping people to understand addiction and to understand that they are not alone on this unbearable journey. My children’s book, The Addiction Monster and the Square Cat is consistently on Amazon.com’s Best Sellers List in Substance Abuse. My passion is to get this book in elementary schools.
I am passionate about reaching the younger kids, to reach them before what I call The Addiction Monster gets them in its grasp.
Please feel free to visit my website. I am always available to talk to anyone about our mutual heartbreak. We need not walk this path alone. My heart goes out to everyone who shares this incredible pain.
Best,
Sheryl Letzgus McGinnis (Sherry)
http://www.theaddictionmonster.com
ADDICTION WAS HIS DISEASE, NOT THE ESSENCE OF HIM
Dear Debra,
That was beautifuly written. YOu give me hope honey.
I havent been to visit Clints site or any other of our kids . Problems and virus’s seem to be happening all the time. I hope they fix it soon.
Thank you and your husband for helping others by sharing your grief and pain
Love Katrina
I can also relate to most of your comments. My son died of a drug overdose
3and half yrs ago and I still dont understand it all. I lost alot of people who I thought were friends and that hurt too. But now I lean toward people I know
have have young adults so I may try to help them in some way.
I have learned alot more about drugs. It is like a cancer. It eats away at your body and brain and detroys everything you have ever believed in.
This is not your child now, its the drugs that have taken over his brain and mind
and he becomes someone you dont know. Its a very scary feeling. I ad 3 boys,
one older and one younger. This one was 23 when he left us. The older one doesnt want to talk about him and the youngest went to Iraq to forget.
It has been the worse time of my life. And I can tell you … death is death ,yes,
but when you tell people he overdosed, they change the expression on their face.
I dont need people that judge me or my son, he was an A student and very loving. I miss him so much it hurts to wake up in the morning and I can honestly say, I dont know if it does get better.
God Bless all of you and I do care and I do understand how you feel.
I admire you all for telling your stories.
Thats called being truthful and honest to yourself. Alot of people have kids just like us but try to keep it away from us……Once again,,,,,drugs are also a disease.
It was a blessing to read all of these posts. My daughter died last Monday of an apparent heroin overdose and the pain of loss has been almost unbearable. Yes, good kids do drugs. I know this because my daughter was a wonderful person. I too have struggled with the memories of the fights and arguements we had as we tried to help her with bith her depression and her drug addiction. What hurts the most is we thought she had conquered it, then we found out she had just started using again two weeks before her death.
She has many books of poetry she wrote along with some of her thoughts. I found this one in one of them the day before her showing. “The best thing about life is being yourself. It’s not how many breaths you take. Its about how many moments take your breath away.”
My thanks to all of you for sharing your struggles with your loss. I wish all of you peace.
Hello Everyone,
I apologize for the delay in responding to the posts. Each and every post has touched my heart.
Terri-Oh, my heart aches for you because your pain and loss is so recent and raw. I am so very sorry about the death of your beautiful daughter. Take care of yourself. Take one moment at a time. Know that in your heart you did the best you could for your daughter with what you knew at the time and that is all any of us can do. We shouldn’t judge ourselves with information we find out later.
Cheryl-I am so sorry about the death of your precious son. I thank you for sharing a part of your journey with me. I wish no mother had to ever endure this pain, but it is beneficial to hear from others that have walked this path. I am thankful for this site so we can share.
Katrina-Thank you for your loving support. I hope the folks at Memory-of soon have the sites repaired and secured.
Sheryl-Thank you for sharing your story and for your involvement with Drug Free America. I will look for your books.