My Adult Son’s Death Has Changed My Life

When someone we love dies…we are changed. When that someone is our child…we are changed forever, deeply, no matter how old they were. Letting go is not a possibility. Everything in my being was geared to hold on, to protect and to be aware of his life. It didn’t matter that he was an adult, twice the size of me. Past, present and future collapsed into a series of nows. This event shook me to my core. I have lost parts of myself. How can this happen? Where did he go? Where did I go? What were his last moments like? Did he feel pain? Did he suffer? Was my mom who passed a year prior there to greet him? How could I have prevented this? What should we have known?

In the months after his death, feelings of failure, vulnerability, depression, remorse, profound grief, guilt on top of a first hand experience of the meaning of the word bereft. Feeling bereft was/is physical for me. The word so accurately expressed my flattened energy.

Fortunately for me, I hadn’t completely lost my spirituality. I lost my belief in God but I still held a belief that we are more than our physical bodies. This belief helped me to try to be open to connecting with him or open to the possibility that he might be able to give me a sign or some indication that he was nearby. I believed early on that if it took any focus or intention for a spirit to make contact, Richard would at least try to make himself be known. He had a strong presence in life. When he walked into a room, people noticed. He was upbeat and deeply calm at the same time. He loved life.

While my belief about the non physical was open, my heart was so badly wounded by his sudden death that all I could do was to call out his name and plead, “Richard, Richard, Richard, how could this happen to you?” I begged for an answer, “Richard, how am I going to survive this?” These phrases poured out from the longing in my heart. I continued this way for a year, several times a day.

Everything in my world had changed. I moved to Southern California from New York to live close to him. These were to be the good years in my life and in his. Lots of outdoor activities, cookouts, hanging out, bike rides, hikes, paddle boarding and the gym. Those activities were just the “normal” weekend fare. Lots of talk of boats, excursions and opportunities to share life and celebrate the life of his baby girl. Our lives had not been easy when he was young. now the future looked really bright.

My hope stopped when he died. The resounding emptiness was deafening. Our family is spread out but mostly located in the Chicagoland area. I wouldn’t have survived without them, close friends and wonderful neighbors where we lived three blocks from each other here on Balboa Island.

With Richard’s guidance, I believe, I chose measures to help myself to continue with some of the goals that he and I shared, like becoming part of the community, getting involved and trying to make a contribution. Each choice that I made to move through an obstacle, or my own resistance, I heard Richard’s voice beside me encouraging me, like he did back in Chicago when I achieved my second masters degree in 2005 to become a psychotherapist. He was always in my corner.

Now my journey includes widening my circle of trust. I’m choosing to live life instead of living a small life. Each of the obstacles have given me a choice…either move through it or acquiesce. Movement always feels like choosing life. Acquiescing to obstacles/resistance feels like defeat. I can’t take anymore defeat. Richard’s death was literally my worst nightmare. So in some ways my current fears are nothing compared to the one that just happened…out of the blue, suddenly, and shockingly.

Well-meaning people make assumptions about each other’s lives. I’m choosing not to focus on being offended. I’m choosing to believe that people are generally well-meaning, even if their comments sound ignorant or unconscious. People have the impression that I’m strong and that I’m getting over this or that new people have filled the void in my heart, that horrible, empty void. That is just not so. I’m unique to this journey, as is every other parent who has lost a child. There’s no script except the one that we write.

I’m choosing to stay focused on the ‘miracle’ of feeling Richard’s presence in my heart on a daily basis. Feeling connected to him helps me. During his life, he would never have been in favor of my checking out or living a small life. I know that ultimately choosing to live is my decision but I have to say that many times it’s because I know what he would say or do. You could say that I continue for him. He has sparked a new determination in me to create an expanded version of myself. I have nothing to loose.

I’m clearing out the clutter of previous struggles, attitudes and perceptions that aren’t useful to me any longer. I feel leadership growing out of my broken heart. People are entering my life and I am saying ‘yes’ instead of ‘no’ or worse, ‘I don’t know”. I am beginning to get glimpses of how my life is evolving completely differently than I expected when I moved here. It’s like my energy is clearing by the methods I have used to take care of myself in the past year and a half. I am finding a strong connection to Richard in my heart that I feared would go away but now I know will never die. I am not afraid to die and welcome the moment that I see and embrace him again. It doesn’t matter what form he is in, I will recognize him.

Basia Mosinski

More Articles Written by Basia

Basia Mosinski, MA, MFA is an online Grief/Life Coach. Basia is scheduled as a Keynote Speaker at The Compassionate Friends 2018 National Conference. In 1993, Basia’s stepson Logan died in a head-on train collision in the midwest where she and her family lived. Within two years, her marriage broke apart and more losses compounded. Logan’s death took her on a journey through pain to inner healing and growth. Along the way, she participated in The Phoenix Project a 12-week intensive process for healing grief and loss. She not only participated in the process she later became a ritual elder of The Phoenix Project, working with Dr Jack Miller. In December of 2001 Dr Miller invited her and several other practitioners to give a weekend of healing to families impacted by 9/11 in New York. Basia was so moved by that work that when she returned to Chicago, she enrolled at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago where she was teaching to gain a second masters’ degree in Art Therapy. When she graduated in 2005, she relocated to NY where she became the Assistant Director of Mental Health at Gay Men’s Health Crisis while maintaining a thriving private practice, sharing office space with Dr. Heidi Horsley. In 2014, Basia moved to Southern California to live close to her only child, her grown son, Richard, his wife and her granddaughter. 9 months later, Richard died suddenly from a pulmonary embolism on a flight from Chicago to Orange County. In addition to helping others on their journey of healing, Basia is helping herself through the shock of what has happened by using what she has learned along the way and through writing a book about her process and the ways that she and her family are coping with the loss of Richard through texting, photos and ‘sightings’. Basia’s blog is: onelife.coach/blog Basia is the former co-chair of the Technology Committee of the American Art Therapy Association.

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  • roselyn says:

    Feeling low after an anniversary of my son’s death yesterday- 15 months- at work…I read this and said yes and gave me hope. I believe in the power of love, and God is love. how else would I be blessed with a son for 22 11/12 years.
    Thank you for sharing , helping me to see Nick is not gone… and be comforted.

    • Roselyn, finding gratitude that your son was in your like for 22 1/2 years is an inspiration to all. Not an easy task to turn away from pain toward the love that you have for him. Your response to saying ‘yes’ brings tears to my eyes…it’s like someone else gets how difficult that is but that it’s really a choice to live. Thank you for your comment. I hope you have a chapter of The Compassionate Friends in your community. I started one here near where we live and I have been grateful to meet others who are on a similar journey.

  • mary says:

    Hello im mary, my only child Samantha passed 9/21/13 in a horrible accodent involving a semi… Apparently she died instantly, she did not see it coming as to she was the passenger in the vehicle that was hit… the driver of her vehicle 65yr old man lived… Im so very broken as to the suddenness of it happening, i didnt feel anything but numb at first, bit mow 30months to the day later OMGoodness i feel ot all… i so try to live by what would Sami do, but i am finding it very diffucult… i have NO support system to speak of… i have found this blog somewhat comforting that it is ok to smile and live but i feel slighted as to Sami had NO children…. thankyou for writing this article and allowing me to comment… HUGS LOVE and PRAYERS that you continue to feel your son, and most of all that you as a person can continue to help even when you dont realize that you have…. 😎

    • It may feel like you’re alone but none of us really are…there are so many people like us who have experienced our worst nightmare. Feel free to reach out to me via my website if you would like to talk.

  • roselyn says:

    Thank you…struggling with the loss of my adult son, only child. I am seeing a twinkle of hope now and then. I will never be the same.
    Peace

    • Annette says:

      Thank you for this beautiful artical . I have lost my only son . It has been twenty years on the 23rd of March . I thought it would get easier , but the grieving is still strong . Every year I write a poem to express how I am feeling and how much I miss him. My love for him has got alot stronger. And I know he is with me every day .

      • Annette, You are so welcome. Writing is what I do now. It helps me. I’m so grateful to know that my words have reached a few people and is possibly making a difference.

  • Peggy says:

    Basia, thank you for sharing your journey. I am right behind you, but still straggling behind. I talk to my adult son everyday and when indecisive, ask for his guidance. He is also with me and so close. I miss the hugs and feeling, seeing, and hearing him.

    • Peggy, what I have learned is that the relationship that I have with my son now…talking to him everyday….is a relationship. Of course, it doesn’t replace the longing I have to feel his physical presence. No less important and valuable though is to be open to perceiving him as non physical energy. I don’t always understand the energy that I perceive but I relish in that I feel it and feel him.

      This is not an easy journey. I know. It is only in the past 6 months that I can actually see a new more vital me emerging. Maybe it is similar for you.

      Yes, I so miss the hugs, his voice, and his personality…

      I wish you peace, Peggy. All we can do is challenge ourselves to remain open.

      Basia

  • Ingrid kline says:

    Thank you for writing your story, I lost my son December 28,2015, to an accendental to overdose and I believed I was handling it well but now I am struggling. I’m so very sad and need help

  • john zulick says:

    Lost my son to cancer 2 years ago.they gave him a year to live. He made it 10 months.i feel so guilty I lived a good and long life.i stayed with Adam though those 10 months.i kept telling him he would beat it . knowing in my heart he wasnt.as I saw my strong young man of 33.slowly being ate up with that dam cancer. Some days I don’t think I will make it.love you Adam.

    • Hi John,
      Thank you for reading my post. My heart breaks with yours. We will never be the same people we were when our children were alive…who are we becoming since this even has transpired? I believe it is a journey of continual seeking and hopefully growth. Gratefully, you accepted the challenge to be next to him during the last 10 months of his life. When the dark thoughts begin to emerge…choose to remember the essence of him…those things that you unconditionally loved about Adam…hold those feelings in your heart. Guilt cannot reside in the same place as unconditional love.

      Remember his essence…and allow yourself to feel that part of him in your. Hope this helps.

      Basia

  • Diana says:

    My son, a weekend recreational opiate experimenter, passed away at the age of 30. We knew he was at risk and initially seemed to accept his death as inevitable. It has been 20 months now, and the pain of losing him grows worse. I never realized how much hope and love I had for him despite a dozen years of a difficult strained relationship. The loss of hope hovers over me like the darkest night, even as I cling to my sometimes ill-expressed but ever present love for him. The fact that he was adopted in no way consoles me or relieves my sense of having failed him or not having loved him enough. After reading all the comments, I recognize I am not alone in my sorrow. I just don’t know how to find the comfort that you seem to take from your strong loving relationships with your child. I question whether my son loved me at all; I tell myself he did because I need to believe it. No point in believing the worst, is there? I can make it up to be the way I wish it was. By the way, I also try to connect with him spiritually when a robin sits on my backyard deck (like he did the afternoon after his funeral) and through mindfulness and meditation practices. I finally struggled tonight to finalize plans for his gravestone. I guess I’m making progress. My deepest, heartfelt sympathy to all of you who are grieving.

    • Diana, so difficult reading your response. I truly feel for you and your loss. You raise so many points, such as: he was an adopted child, he was an opiate experimenter, he transitioned at age 30, you wonder if he loved you, and feeling as though you failed him. These are all heart breaking and deserve individual attention.

      The point I want to address here is about your loss of hope that you had for him. If you can accept that his struggle is over and that whatever the reason he chose to escape life through opiates, you know now that it was his struggle. We can’t protect our children from their own lives. We can love them and love them and love them some more but we will never truly know their inner struggles. He is free of struggle now, unlike us…those left behind, right?

      The hope you had for him was also hope that you had for yourself, that he would get life right at some point. In the crazy way that life/death are normal processes…it is only us, those who remain that have such difficulty letting go of all the expectations we held for our children and ourselves.

      My son was older than yours. He came through difficult times and we were on the other side of all that…thankfully. I’m guessing that your hope was similar…that he would pull through and he would flourish. The thing is that he now is not tethered to his personality, like he was. If you can hold onto the signs (like the robin) and allow that they connect to his eternal self…you may find comfort there.

      Things like this change us forever…they change our beliefs, our perceptions and our life experience. You have a choice to give focus to what helps you to feel better.

    • Beth says:

      Hi Diana,

      I arrived home from work on a Tuesday evening it was April 26th just past. A Robin landed on my balcony ledge and lingered for what I thought, was an unusually long time. I walked over to the window and said, “hi robin.” Then the phone rang and it was a constable telling me my son is decised. I still wonder about the unusual visit from the robin. And I cannot believe I was working while my son lay dead on his couch. I cannot believe I didn’t feel something that would alow me to save him somehow. He left so suddenly and it seemed things were going well for my son whow was 11 days away from his 27th birthday. He tried a drug fentynal and he died. I thought I was handling things well but I feel like I am losing momentum and I am very tired of holding myself together. It is a lot of work. I am sorry for your loss Diana – your mention of the robin had meaning for me too.

      • Basia Mosinski says:

        Beth, I am so sorry for your loss. The robin is hardly a comfort but it does sound like it lifted your sorrow for a moment leading you to the mysteries of life/death and the universe. Again, I am so sorry for your loss…for all of our losses.

        • Jane says:

          Basia, my thanks for your article. Diana and Beth, I seek out those who have lost their child in similar circumstances. Diana, you mention EVERY emotion that I have – the only difference is that my son was not adopted so I hope you will find comfort in that. Beth, my son over dosed on Fentanyl. I have learned that he did this once, maybe even twice before but somehow was taken to hospital and revived.

          Tom died on 6th December, 2016. He was found two days later by his room mates. The levels of pain are unbearable. The difficult, but strangely, loving, relationship we had. The thought of how his last moments were. Did he know? Did he do it on purpose? My baby’s body lying there alone. What was he wearing. He was with the Coroner for two weeks – the Fentanyl situation is an epidemic in Vancouver and they were back logged. I was advised not to see my boy. I only touched his hand. A truly talented young man – music and art. But a troubled one since his early teens – Basia, your reply to Diana about not being able to live our children’s lives and their struggles is true but it doesn’t take away the ‘what if’s’. Looking back on our last time together – was he crying out?

          I remained strong in the early days for his two siblings but they have found the strength to go back to Canada where they live and try to get some semblance of normality.

          I found comfort in writing to all those who have paid tribute to Tom or at least contacted me. I made cards from Tom’s art work with the delusion that I would sell them and make money for the homeless – a passion of Tom’s.

          I went through a very spiritual phase where I was feeling so close to Tom that I truly believed he would ‘show himself to me’. I was taking everything as a sign. I was almost accepting and at peace. But now, just over four months, I find myself in deep, deep despair. I’m angry at all those who knew how bad his drug problem was but did nothing about it.

          My eight year relationship broke down yesterday. As sad as it is and with the loss of what would have been an incredible future (had Tom not passed but was still on offer), I’m relieved. Yesterday and today I have grieved like I haven’t before. Screaming out loud and wondering how I can end it all easily as I am such a coward. Seemingly, 10 days without water will do it. The only thread I have is not wanting to cause my other children further pain but my pain is so great, I can’t visualise years of this yearning and guilt.

          Tom took himself off to a therapist and I was thinking of seeing if she would talk to me and let me know if Tom ever revealed what may have set him off on this journey. He said some things to me when we were last together that will forever remain with me and make me think that I caused all this. We had been such a happy, normal family but his dad and my relationship broke down and we eventually divorced and I feel so guilty about that.

          I don’t know why I’m writing this – if nothing else, it has stopped me crying for a while.

          • Jane, we learn what is good for us and what helps us feel a little bit better. Choosing to feed negative thought is a choice. I hate to be so blunt. I’m not saying that it’s easy. I’m saying it work to change the momentum from a downward spiral to counting the moments that are not so horrendous in between the ones that are.

            Life is crazy. These losses and grief do not define us…although we could let them. Your grandchild knows how to play. Learn from your grandchild how to play again. The gift of a child is that they want you to be in the present moment with them. The present moment is safer than the past and less fear filled future.

            Best wishes to you, Jane. You can’t correct the past but you can be present now for the children you do have in your life, in what ever way you choose.

  • Mary says:

    What a wonderful article! Thank you so much. I feel for you and extend my sympathies to you on the loss of your son, Basia. I came here today to search out information – maybe a book or DVD I could buy for my 84 year old Aunt who just lost her only child. Her son was 58 and died suddenly of a heart attack. He first got chest pains while working in the garden. He called his mother and he asked her to hold his hand. He died later that day during surgery. My Aunt lost her husband 7 years ago and lived in a small apartment in the house where her son, his wife, and his two grown daughters also lived. We are all trying our best to help her cope. Would you believe her son’s name was also Richard? I think God sent me to this website today. Please pray for my Aunt. Her name is Tina. I believe both our Richards are safe with God.

    • Mary, thank you so much for your response. Feeling for ourselves and each other is the gift of being human, right? So glad that you found this site and that you read this article. It means so much that your aunt’s story and your response bring our Richard’s names into the present moment. As painful as I can only imagine it was for your aunt to experience her son’s death…I regret that my son never regained consciousness. I believe his spirit already left his body by the time I saw him.

      I’m glad for your aunt that she has you and it sounds like her daughter-in-law and grandchildren to share her memories with. I have nieces as well. We became even closer after their cousin died.
      I share your sentiment that you were guided to find this website. Similarly, I have been guided to write. So grateful to feel the presence of others through this experience.

      Please give your aunt a Mother’s Day hug for me.

  • Becky Vance says:

    Thank you for your healing words.I lost my 30 year old son and best friend 16 months ago. I am dead inside. I keep trying to find ways to heal and came across your story. I hope that one day I will feel as strong as you!

    • Becky,

      I am so sorry that you are feeling dead inside. I think the word ‘bereft’ really describes it well.

      The part of you that is seeking to feel better is love. We loved our children. They would want us to love ourselves.

      Curiosity is alive. It leads you from one person to the next, from one book to another, from one lyric to another. That part of you is alive. Trust it and follow the inspiration.

  • Karin Hoffecker says:

    A friend sent me your article and I found it comforting. I lost my 34 year-old son to a pulmonary embolism seven weeks ago. He was a husband and father to my 14 month old granddaughter. Mother’s Day was brutal for me. We had the celebration of his life the night before. With a lot of support from friends and family l made it through. What I struggle with the most lately is the feeling that I am losing my connection to him. I try to talk to him every day and keep pictures and other mementoes around. I am a poet and I continue to write about him with the new purpose of telling my granddaughter who her father was. This brings me much comfort. I am grateful to have found your website. Another tool to assist me on my journey.

    • Karen,
      Your loss is so fresh right now. I remember those days well. I was walking around in shock at 7 weeks. But I knew that it was up to me to do things that made me feel better, like meditating, talking to my son, writing. If I didn’t I would hear his voice in my head say…”are you kidding, you’re choosing to waste your life?” Sometimes, I would just drag myself outdoors to take a walk. It always helped. Being in nature helps me feel connected to him.

      I still have mementos on an alter that I made for Richard. I don’t know when I’ll take it down. I don’t have to know…today.

  • Carol says:

    Basia, I am writing to you in hopes that maybe I can gain better insight into my situation.. I too lost my precious son three and half years ago.. It has been horrible.. I wish the nightmare would be over and he would come home.. Grief, it’s a lifetime commitment. That being said I am now sane and functional.. Saying I’m better or healing is not what I’ll ever be again.. And I’m sure you understand what I mean..I still have another son living who has a daughter who bears her uncles middle name.. A sweet tribute to him..I am 61years old and about a year ago I reconnected with an old boyfriend from 40 years ago.. The story is way too lengthy, but I was crazy about him and was madly in love.. So there is a history… I found out that he too lost his only son via the Internet… I found his number through a friend and called him.. He was so glad to hear from me.. I told him how sorry I was about his son and told him I know how you feel, because I lost mine too… Over the many months things have not been between us as I maybe expected.. Dumb me.. His son died just two years ago so I have had longer to deal with it than he has.. The two year anniversary is approaching soon in June and the days and weeks leading up to this as you well know are not happy ones.. He drinks his pain away.. Even though I do not drink, I understand why..and he’s not in good health.. We have a commonality in that we understand each other. Who would have thought two long lost loves would lose their precious sons? I love this man, but I have to protect myself as I could never live with him under these circumstances.. That would not be healthy for me.. I would appreciate hearing from you and any advice you could give on this situation.. We are both sad..

    • Hi Carol, I’ve thought a lot about your response and concerns. Decided to take it offline and send you an email instead. What I will say here is that your instincts are good. Sounds like you clearly know what is and isn’t good for you, regarding the person who you care deeply about.

  • i AM SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR ARTICLE. REMEBERING SEAN DORTCH YOU TUBE IS A VIDEO OF MY SON WHO DIED IN A CAR ACCIDENT AT 24 LAST YEAR .i HAVE FELT EVERY FEELING AND STILL DO THAT YOU DESCRIBED IN YOUR ARTICLE. IT WILL BE A YEAR THIS jUNE AND i REALIZE IF I DO NOT CHANGE AND HAVE A NEW PURPOSE MY GRIEF WILL LITERALLY KILL ME.
    Thanks,
    Angela

  • Sue Lyes says:

    Dear Basia

    Reading your story is like reading my own 💔 I lost my son Chris a year ago next week, in a tragic car accident in which he was a passenger…. My world, my life and my heart shattered…. They are still held together with sticky tape…but so far it is holding..just.

    I, like you, hold my son in my heart and live my life for him everyday….some better than others, but I try. I started a charity helping the children in my area participate in free sports as my son loved and participated all his life and to me it is a fitting tribute, but it also keeps his name alive.

    I am not strong as people think, I cry and sometimes scream at the pain I hold, and then I lock it away until the next time it escapes. We have lost the future we should have, now we have a new one and my choice is to live for him and keep his memory and name alive always…… Thanking you for your story, Open To Hope, it touched my heart as it helped me feel that little less understood xx

    • Dear Sue, I am so sorry for your loss. I am sorrow filled for all of our losses. I agree that Open to Hope and The Compassionate Friends help connect us to a wide community of people, experiences and stories that let us know we are not alone in our grief.

      Basia

  • Kerrie says:

    Your story is exactly mine. Thankyou foer sharinf. I lost my son to heart disease a year and a half ago – he was 27 and left behind 6 little children, 2 younger brothers, 2 younger sisters. His dad and I divorced years ago and I raised thw kids on my own. We were very close, Geoffo was our rock, our leader. We have been treated very disrespectfully by his dads side family and the mother of his two youngest children has relocated and denied us any conract with the children. It has been so hard but like you I believe my son is with me, guiding me through the pain.

    • I am so sorry for your loss…that is now compounded by tension and more loss of your grand babies. Life can seem crazy at times. Looking for the clarity in what feels good does help. It is now is little past two years since Richard died. I still talk to him. I feel surprises at different times that let me know that he is with me. I’m committed to staying open which is the gift his death has given me. I felt like I had no choice when I was cracked open by the shock of his death. But I know going forward that I choose on a daily basis to remain open to synchronicities, connections to people, love when it shows up and laughter. I’m choosing to live the best life I can in his honor…because that’s the kind of person he was. FYI as I’m writing this, two hummingbirds flew up on my patio. My jaw dropped as I laughed with excitement at their feeding frenzy on a potted lavender bush. You could say that is an ordinary occurrence, no biggie…but I choose to see it as my heart was open as I was writing to you…the hummingbirds were a gift from our children.

  • Susan says:

    I am in so much pain but I cannot allow myself to release it. I lost my oldest son, Beau, who was also my best friend a year ago last Saturday. I am in poor physical health and have never felt so alone and fearful in my life. I need help, but don’t have resources or friends/family to help me. All of the people I ever dropped everything to help and everyone else have been absent since I lost him. I’m not sure how much longer I can go on.

  • Natalia Fernandez says:

    Reading your story made me cry, but at the same time gave me strength! I’m a mother of 3 boys and my oldest child Josua was born when I was 16 years old. His father did not want to be part of his life, when he found out I was pregnant he pushed me down the stairs but luckily we both survived….unfortunately I lost my Josua 1 month ago at the age of 22, one month exactly before his 23rd birthday….due to a bad mixture of heroine and phentanyl. He lived in New Hampshire, close to his father since at the age of 18 he decided to make peace with his dad and not hold a grudge. But his father still gave him a hard time about everything. I received the called from his father, and I literally fainted….thank God my 19 year old was home that day and was able to help me and call his dad at work. I feel like the world came crashing down on me, I’m not happy, nothing makes me smile, nothing is funny anymore. Worst part is that his birthday is Sunday and I have no idea how my day is going to be.

    • Hi Natalie. I am so sorry for the loss of your son. My heart grieves with you. You are likely still in shock and feeling many emotions swirling around inside of you. I’m glad that you are seeking a way to feel better by finding support in others who know something of what it is that you’re going through. My hope will be with you tomorrow on your son’s birthday. I hope that you can feel his presence in some way, like through the beauty of nature or the feeling of a song. Your heart has been cracked open. A new you will emerge. Maybe not today or tomorrow but you will…hang in there.

  • Sandy Cambria says:

    I lost my son on Oct. 5th 2016. It was an accident and it took his life. I know what form my son is in and where he is. I do have faith in God who saved him and carried him home. To know this is the only way I will find healing. I know for sure he is with God and upon my death, I will see him again. He was chosen to be God’s child at the age of 7. The Bible states that it is written that we may know we have eternal life and the Jesus is the way, the truth and the life and no man comes to the Father except by Him. He is the only way to eternal life, for Jesus is the only one that died willingly for our sins, and was resurrected as all believers will be who have placed their faith and trust in Him.

  • Lynn Stadterman says:

    I lost my beautiful adult daughter, Kelly, 2 weeks ago on Nov. 7, 2016. She had an unexpected heart attack due to spontaneous coronary arterial dissection (SCAD). She died at home alone. I am mad, numb, heartbroken, can’t function, can barely get out of bed. Can’t go to work. Your words about your own loss let me know that I’m not alone in this nightmare. I am in so much pain; my wounds are so raw…thank you for sharing your story.

    • I hope you can reach out and find a local chapter of The Compassionate Friends asap. We all need to feel safe at a time when there are so many reminders of what we have lost. It is truly heartbreaking. I am so sorry for your loss and all the complexity that goes along with the loss. I do know that I am learning so much through this journey…but I would gladly give up all that I have learned to have Richard back…even for 5 minutes. I talk to him most days which helps me to feel connected and no so isolated.

  • Linda says:

    Hello, I have just read your post and am deeply sorry that you have lost your dear son. My beautiful boy died on the 30th April, 2016. He left a heartbroken wife and a 3 1/2 year old little girl, who keeps asking to see her daddy. Unlike you Basia, I was with my son when he died, I watched his last breath as I had watched his first 44 yrs before. I have grieved many times in my life, but nothing compares with the devastation this has caused. Grief that picks me up and throws me hard against the wall, not just once a day, but as many times as it feels like. Yet, as we know, we have to learn to live with this malevolence as it is a testament to the deep love we have for our children.

    • Linda says:

      Nothing prepares you for watching your 44 year old son die inch by inch every day for months, from a rare and aggressive form of cancer. It is strange how people think that this dreadful torture somehow prepares you for your loved ones death, when nothing could be further from the truth. Every day I relive those days, weeks and months and the agony I felt as a mother watching helplessly as her son took his last breath, is beyond anything a mother should witness. My darling boy is at rest now, but his family will forever be devastated by what happened to him and to us this year. How is any parent expected to recover from this?
      Thinking of all the heartbroken parents this Christmas.

      • Linda, Christmas is a very difficult tome as you mention. So important to have people with whom you feel safe to be yourself and who don’t have expectations of you. Our The Compassionate Friends group provides a lot of support for us. nothing like walking into a room of parents who understand what you are going through.

  • Cathy says:

    My heart is in heaven with my son who died 15months ago I feel at times I can’t breathe my husband is trying like me to crawl our way through this but I feel we are not making headway.

    • Hi Cathy, your heart is broken…of course, you can’t breathe. You have been permanently changed. Now you’re having to discover who you are becoming? Holding the connection to your son in your broken heart helps get through the pain. Have you and your husband found The Compassionate Friends? It is a worldwide organization that has local chapters. It can be very helpful to attend a group meeting where there are other parents who understand and help you to feel safe to express your feelings.

      Talking to people who have been through something similar helps you to hear and develop hope that it can and will get better.

      Feel free to contact me via my website. I would be happy to speak with you and your husband.

  • Tricia Erickson says:

    I am currently floundering in the abyss that is my life. My daughter passed away unexpectedly 10 days ago. I know I am depressed and I know that is a natural course. I don’t know how to navigate this unbearable pain I feel. My sorrow is palpable and I know I just bring every one around me down. I feel like that is not what they would want. So I have not spent much time around any one but my husband and daughters because I don’t know how to act. Everyone says just write down you thoughts and feelings. I don’t know how to communicate the nightmare that is currently enveloping me. I found my 21 year old daughter in bed after she had passed several hours before.
    How do I go on, even though I know I have to for my husband, daughters and grandchildren?

    • Ann says:

      Hi Tricia and all reading,
      My 33 year old son died 12 days ago. He wasn’t feeling well, went to bed , and never woke up. He struggled with learning disabilities, had a seizure disorder that was controlled and had very few seizures his entire life. I was very involved in his life because of all his needs. He left behind a 23 month old grandchild and a wife of two years. I was always hoping and praying for better days for him and now I understand the feeling of lost hope. The pain and disbelief I feel take my breath away. I expect him to walk in yelling, “Mom, I’m here.” I search the Internet for others floundering like myself as I sit frozen.
      I don’t even know what I feel cause I never felt like this. I am so sad and weary and hopeless and empty.

      • Dear Ann. I am the chapter leader of The Compassionate Friends_Newport Beach California. I know that TCF is not for everyone…however, when you walk into a meet you will be met by other parents like yourself who have had a similar loss. Most of us need to be and share with others who have walked in our shoes. Feel free to reach out to me and if you don’t have TCF where you live, they have a lot of online support.

        I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that I am sending you a virtual hug as I write this response. The loss of a child is the most horrible experience that no one should have to endure.

        • Trish, I am sorry that I hit send on the above response not mentioning your post. I feel for you and your loss. I extend the same to you as to Ann. There are resources out there to help you. Let me know if you would like to talk off line.

  • Ernestina says:

    I loss my son 3 years ago and I still feel the pain. He was 29 I don’t understand it and I loss myself and I start thinking of my grandkids cause I made a promise to him that I would not give up and fall and think about giving up. I never prayed or turned to God as I do now.life has been hard for me since his death cause my sister passed the following week after her my brother the week after it’s been one disaster after another now my father 2 day before my birthday. I live one day at a time now my son that I have left had cancer and does dialysis and I focuse on him so I have more on my shoulder so don’t give up.i look to see him another day

    • Basia Mosinski says:

      Reading your post makes me shake my head. How can one person have so much pain to endure? I am so sorry for your multiple losses. Hopefully, you have friends who support you when you need it. If not be sure to find The Compassionate Friends in your area. In my experience, people have left my life but others have come in and brought so much kindness, that I am eternally grateful. I hope the same is happening for you. I think the key for me has been to stand tall and move forward one step at a time. Wishing you peace.

      • Viv Collings says:

        Just found this site – so sad to read everyone’s heartache. I’ve lost two adult children-identical twins -one 15 years ago aged 24 and his twin 10 weeks ago aged 30. I honestly feel that I can’t go through “this” again. When my son died 15 years ago -his girlfriend was pregnant and we are very close to his beautiful 14yo daughter. I also have a daughter with a 4yo and a 2yo. So I know I’m lucky to have my daughter and my 3 grandchildren- but I miss my boys so much I some days w can hardly breathe

        • Basia Mosinski says:

          Hi Viv, your message reminds me that as horrible as the grief of loosing my adult son has been, my grandson and his wife recently had a baby…my deceased son would have been a grandfather! The new baby reminds me of my son down to his blue eyes. I found that taking slow deep breaths helps keep me in the present moment where new joy presents itself. I hope this helps. I know that some days it feels impossible. If you can turn to the love that your have for your boys…that unconditional love…still exists. Open to signs from them

  • Rebecca Callan says:

    I read the story and I am trying to cope with my son’s death. It’s been 9 months and I am having a very hard time dealing with it. I anyone could help me out I would very much appreciate it.

    • Hi Rebecca. I recommend looking on line for The Compassionate Friends Chapter nearest you. I found that very helpful. Also their website has chat rooms that are monitored. Or feel free to contact me through my website. Schedule a free consultation with me and hopefully, I can direct you to appropriate help.

  • Sharon Lavars says:

    I lost my baby boy today. He is 30 years old and he either died from an overdose after his demons reappeared last night, or his heart gave away because of his terrible addictions that he had gone cold turkey on over the last couple of weeks. I saw him three days ago when he came to visit me and he said he was feeling good. He was chuffed with kicking the drugs and was back at the gym. I was happy for him, but always in the back of my mind, I expected him not to live a long life.

    I always knew how much he loved me and how I loved him. I so wanted to be able to help him find happiness, but ultimately his pain was too strong and he needed to numb himself. Last night I awoke unusually and could not go back to sleep. My last thoughts before I finally drifted off were that I prayed to be able to help him get back on his feet by helping him find his passion. Next thing I knew the phone was ringing with that dreaded phone call.
    I just don’t know what to do with myself. i don’t want to see anyone or talk to them. What on earth can be said. Nothing can comfort me.

    • Hello Sharon, I had an eye opening experience…I received a new message from someone in response to this article. I usually reply within a few days. I scanned previous entries only to realize that during the month of September…the Angel-versary of my son, Richard’s passing, I checked out and missed several comments, yours was one of them. I am making a point of this to demonstrate that we are so profoundly changed by the loss of our child(ren) that we sometimes don’t even recognize ourselves.

      I am so sorry for the loss of your boy. I can read the passion in your words. I know that you have written that nothing can help you but I would like to offer that in the shock…in the crack of your open heart are some places to explore. One of them could be a connection to your son through the love you still have for him.

  • Kalomira says:

    My son was murdered 26 may 2017. Its 4 months next week i still dont know why. He was 21 so full of life wonderful smiling handsome boy. I miss him so deeply. It hurts this hole in my heart. I am alone with my pain, my partner can not understand and does not speak to me. I sit at home crying with my sadness with no one to share my son’s memories or my hurt. Many times I wish there could be an end to this pain. I have nothing, just his memory. My heart is broken and my life is too, just lonely.

    • Kalomira, I am so sorry to read about your horrible compounded loss. So painful to have additional pain and suffering on top of the death of your son. Please reach out, by now in my loss, I have become a resource for others.

  • Amy Pena says:

    Hi. I lost my only child at 26, on 8/23/2017. It’s been only a couple of months. I feel like I’m going crazy! I miss him so dearly. I get up, go to work and do the “functions” of a normal day. But inside I’m so broken, so devastated and sometimes I go to a very dark place, of course with a smile on my face, because I certainly should start to be getting to the other side of things by now, ( like some people think I should) I’m lost and scared to keep waking up like this.. this is no way to live.

    • So sorry for your loss and the losses of all of us. This one event takes us to our knees like no other event ever will. Forming community with other parents through The Compassionate Friends can help. Writing may help. Joining an online group can help. Please contact me if you would like more information about the group I started called “Open to Our Angels”.

  • Kevin says:

    I wish I could feel anything but the pain I feel , I feel like there is no hope no chance of ever being happy again my wife and I lost our son two months ago now it’s like I’m just waiting enduring everyday till it’s my time

    • Kevin, first off let me say that I am so sorry for your loss. Most parents who have shared this nightmare will say that in two months of experiencing our worst nightmare we were all still in shock. It’s as though a limb has been severed. I would like to offer you and your wife separately or together, a 15 min free coaching session. I have many resources to offer, including a group called Open to Our Angels. Please feel free to email me at: [email protected]

  • Michelle King says:

    My son died one year ago today

    • Michelle, I can feel your pain in the empty spaces of your response. I am so sorry for your loss. Of course, there is nothing to prepare us for this horrible loss and nothing that can take it away.

  • Michelle says:

    My first son died dec 18th 2017 at age 42. He was a drug addict but many questions have been raised as to whether or not he recd adequate treatment from the hospital. He had cardiac arrest and didnt recieve oxygen in time. In this one month the intensity and conflicts of everyone’s emotions and beliefs is overwhelming. I ended a relationship and today my grand daughter who I have raised at 15 diesnt want to live with me anymore. I dont understand why people cant give me time and support to deal with this pain. I look at my sons picture and it doesnt feel real that I will never again see him or hug him. I am so tired yet I cant sleep without medication. It looks like God wants me to be totally alone. So sad. Thank you for letting me express myself.

  • Raghubir says:

    Our bubbling son of 18 years died 28 years back in road accident on way to college. Gone from the physical world but not from our heart. Each moment of every day he remains with me -in our thoughts. I feel his prevasive presence in absence. Fragrance of his smiles and affection continues. He has come much close to us by leaving us so suddeny and so early.Initial days were very difficult but then holy books gave us some strength.
    Whether there is life after death or not-but there is conservation of mass, energy, momentum? If life or soul is energy, even after death the form of energy will be conserved? Let us hope in not in this life -in some cycle of birth we shall meet our Son.

  • PATRICIA M MARQUEZ says:

    By reading your letter, it seems that you were talking about me and my son. My 38 year old son passed away on October 30th, 2017. He went to sleep and never woke up. I can not even explain the pain I am in, and rely when you ask your son, why this happen? He was married with two children one 3 year old and a 5 month old baby girl. The cause of dead is unknown and we are still waiting for the toxicology report. I need closure. I am not sure what happened, but I think it will bring peace to my soul to know how did he died. I miss him terribly. He was upbeat, happy, good father, son, brother to three sisters. We are all suffering from this loss!

  • Janice Aldridge says:

    Absolutely the way I feel. My son died January 9, 2018. He was diagnosed in 2010 with Stage IV Lung Cancer and was given 3 months to Live. He told them they were wrong and showed them 8 years later to start his own foundation PJAF.ORG, helping to raise funds for lung cancer research. I miss him with every breath I take. Thank you so much for your story. I feel I am the only one who feels this pain. I have another son Mark, and he has 4/grandbabies. He is suffering with a divorce on going for 2/years now. He lives in Southern MD and I on the East Coast. Again THANK you from the Bottom of my heart.

  • Richard Chaparro says:

    Thank you Basis, I’m Richard 62. My Son NICK 26 took his own life and mine. March 9th this month. 16 days ago. Your Son was like mine. Just wanted to thank you.
    You know how I feel.

  • patricia says:

    I want my 18 year old son back

  • Michelle, there are no words to describe the devastation that you’re feeling. The reality of multiple losses is so painful. Feels extra hurtful when someone pulls away by choice…it’s like another death in some ways.

    If you can remember the love you have for your son that may help you. When your mind wanders to negative thoughts…bring your focus back to the love that you feel in your heart. Even if you are angry with him, you have loved him and still do.

    Talk to him. Write to him. Light a candle for him. Ask him to let you know that he’s ok now. That’s what we really want as parents, to know that our babies are ok.

    Please reach out to me. I might have some resources for you.

  • Patricia, I feel your words. The closest I can come is to feel his presence around me and to expand my ability to engage with him. You might be interested in a Closed Face Book group that I started called Open to Our Angels. Search for that group and I will add you if it looks like something that might help you.

    Sending much love, Basia.

  • Hi Richard…(BTW, I love writing that name).

    Thank you for your message. I do know to some degree. It feels impossible as I write this response before another holiday that my son Richard won’t be part of. That’s likely the same with you missing Nick.

    I have to say that Richards death has caused me to be become more social than I have ever been in my life. Not right away but over time, for survival. I feel Richard’s strength flow through me sometimes.

    Life is such a mystery…I still don’t know…even though I feel like I now know a lot more about seeing the depths of life than I ever did. Now, I embrace the mystery…the mystery feels like life itself. You have to live, Richard. Don’t put the responsibility of your life on his actions.

    Wishing you the best life that you can live to honor your boy as I do mine. I invite you to a closed FaceBook group that I run called Open to Our Angels. Search it or my name on FB and I’ll add you to the group.

    Wishing you the best!
    Basia

  • Karen says:

    My son, how I miss him. The pain is unbearable at times. I need to believe his Angel’s came down and opened up their wings to carry him to paradise. He was 23 years old and full of life, was just beginning. Strong and free. You never stop worrying about your children, even when they are in heaven. My beautiful son. I thank him every day for the time we had together, for choosing me as his mother. If love were enough, you’d still be here.

  • I lost my son dean 31/1/17 that day changed my life forever. I know I lost the only person who truly loved me. I can’t face family things. I have a beautiful daughter but i have had to learn forgiveness there were things that went before and after his that she was part of . Things that were not nice. I realise I am so lucky to have her.
    I moved I could not stay where I lived the memories were too much. I feel my son is always with me . My faith helped me throug. On his birthday I went to church said a prayer . The peace I found there. The morning sun shone through the stainglass window. Tears ran down I stared at Jesus on the cross I was at one with God he lost his son I lost mine . I talk to God and my son this helps . I keep busy then something will remind me of Dean I played Barbara streistand and cried he brought me the CD one mother’s day . I call it the blackness when I just cry for the loss my heart half missing. Then I carry on . So I live my life work this helps . Some of my family I tolerate but mostly I like being at home where if the blackness cones I can weep without worrying then resume. I have to keep busy . I am changed things no longer matter I am stronger because nothing can be as loosing a child I feel like someone cut away half my soul and heart. I asked my dr when will I be me again she said you will never be you again only a different you. Now I happy with simpler things my garden my dogs sunny days. My son is always in my heart and thoughts.

  • Donna Decker says:

    Thank you for sharing the feelings and so adeptly describing the emotions that are felt. We lost our only son recently and are still shattered by his absence.

  • McAllister says:

    Hello I don’t know what to say. But as I sit here waiting on my therapist to call. I came across your story. I have been trying to deal with my Only Son death for 7 months and it has been the most hardest thing to deal with. Please help..

  • Lyndia Oxford says:

    9 mounths and 2 days my son had a massive heart attack on his birthday and died we were at odds with each other and I wish I were with him every single day of my life I have two grand kids which I don’t get to see and the pain is so unbearable sometimes. I hurt beyond belief

  • Cindy says:

    All 2016 dates so maybe nobody in 2018 will ever see or read this. My son died 26 days ago. Do I count his last day on earth as a living day or dying day. I worry about that and it speaks to my state of mind. He shot himself, completely unexpectedly to his wife, co-workers, friends, Dad and me all of whom he had a close, open relationship with. Something happened. I am still in shock. I left three jobs I loved, my home of 30+ years, sold most everything and relocated to be here with my son and his young family. Now 18 months later, I am in a strange place, adrift, unhappy but anchored to humanity through my son. Now he’s gone and I am truly in a strange place, adrift, unhappy and unanchored, adrift on earth.

    I am in denial, can’t cry or even feel the loss. It’s an emotional place I am unable to access and I feel like a freak for not crying and expressing my sadness. My sadness just is me now. I am waking up, have to work, come home, pet the dog, watch TV and ask him aloud daily why, where are you, can you hear me? I also am doubting my faith in God because of the obvious reasons. I don’t want to hear it’s His plan, or that He was saving my son from earthly pain. No I want my child.

    I’m consumed by thinking about him, his life, his presence in my life and how many regrets I have for allowing him to come help me at the house but not forcing him to sit and talk more. Maybe I would have gleaned something that could have saved him. I feel as if numbness is the new me forever. I just as soon that it be, because I am terrified of accepting that he could do this to himself when he seemingly had every success a man could want in life. So what happened? Why did he feel so desolate with a young son, just 2 years married, Mom in town, new house and a job he loved? I’m the one that should be suicidal, I am 65, alone, in debt for having moved, in debt tax-wise for having moved and isolated now from all I knew and loved. I should be the one who died, not him. Not him. But here I reluctantly remain, stuck on earth for another awful few decades to live as a shell of a human, with no hope for joy or satisfaction in sharing my life with my beloved son.

  • I just lost my son 2 months ago on the 14th of March he would have been 29years old on 17th may and I seem to get worse instead of better turnin to drink drugs anything to take away the pain I’ve decided today no more drink or drugs so of course I’ve got the massive reality check and haven’t stopped crying all through the night day and tonight I miss him so so much I’ve let myself go couldn’t care if I get dressed washed most of the time I just stay in bed no energy for anything my heart is broken I will never be the same person again and I don’t know how to make myself better I don’t know how to get out of bed I don’t know how to eat to get washed nothing concerned friend’s have asked to take me out for a coffee but I always cancel I just can’t face it my son died the day after my mothers funeral am just a total mess

  • I have responded to every comment. If you haven’t received an email from me please look in your trash…my [email protected] sometimes gets redirected.

    I am and continue to be incredibly moved by the people behind the comments. I feel you because I feel me and have felt some similar feelings. My desire to connect is to let you hear a voice of someone who has been down this wretched path before you. It’s like we’re shipwrecked in our own lives in the days/months after losing our child(ren).

    Hopefully, if we talk, I can pass along some resources that have helped me. Knowing that you’re on the Open to Hope website is a good sign in that you have found a wonderful support network.

    Basia

  • Melissa Miller says:

    It has been 7 monthes since I lost my son Joshua is was 33 years old the horrible desiese of cancer took him. What a horrible painful death I was able to be his care taker for the nine monthes that he fought to stay here with his family. I don’t think the pain will ever go away . Happiness is something that I don’t expect to have in my life ever again. I know it sound terrible but I long for a day when Joshua isn’t in my thoughts every minute he is there when I wake and when I say my night time prayer along with every other moment of the day. It is exhausting I would give anything to just touch his bearded check just one more day. Joshua I miss you so much.

  • kCarol says:

    So inspiring. I commend you for persevering through and not surrendering to the depths of darkness of grief. I too lost a son he was 19. It’s taken me quite a while to find my place back within life. But I like you have choose to keep forging ahead. I am and will always be connected to my son. I strive to always keep his memory alive. He now lives through me.
    Much love and peace,
    from one mother to another in grief.
    Carol Ragsdale
    Matthew Mullis’s mom

  • Donna says:

    My 47 son Todd just died from sudden cardiac arrest.
    It is a month now and I feel like I am dying.
    I see no hope at the end of tunnel.
    Loved him so so much.
    He seemed like my young son was walking 5 to10 Miles.
    He said he felt like he had abused his body
    And had lost 40 lbs to 185.suddenly gone!

  • Hi Melissa,

    Please know that 7 months is no time at all considering the changes that have happened in yours and your son’s lives. I am so sorry that you had to witness him being in pain. That is a parents worst agony and then on top of that he’s gone.

    It is not horrible to want some relief fro your own pain. It is natural. Please know that this experience does change. I wish I could say that it all goes back to normal…I can say that it goes to a new ‘normal’.

    Each persons process is unique. There is no roadmap for your experience.

    Basia

  • Hi Carol,

    I’m inspired by your words. I often feel as though parents who have lost a child are real heroes. Getting out of bed and taking one step forward when your world has fallen apart is heroic. There will never be fanfare for this heroism. Others can’t see our pain behind our normal movements and participation in life. Keeping Richard alive in my thoughts and meditation helps me.

    Like you I am always connected to my son and I strive to expand our connection. I invite him to let me know of his presence in my life. I have started a closed FaceBook group called Open to Our Angels. If this might interest you, let me know.

    Basia

  • Hi Donna,

    My heart breaks for you. I can barely remember a month after Richard died. Life was a blur. I can say this in hindsight that the tunnel was much darker then than it is now 3+ years later. I can assure you that you are not dying but you are birthing another you. You will never be the same.

    Your loved him will keep him alive in your heart.

    Talking with others who have this wretched loss can help. Let me know if you would like to talk.

    Basia

  • JOHN D HEAD says:

    I got the call from my daughter around 6:00 am may 5, this year 2018 that my 57 year old son, Tony had died, I know that I shouted out, no, no, no, please no. Within 30 minutes or so I knew what I had to do, and that was make the calls to funeral homes and make the necessary plans to care for his body. As I walked out the back entrance to my condo, there was a pigeon sitting on a railing within three feet of me and not making an effort to fly off. When the pigeon did fly off it was so soft and quiet as if it was floating, barely flapping it`s wings. I took that as a sign from Tony that he was okay. I pray that I will see him again one day and we can go fishing together, and we can hug each other and I can tell him again how much I love him. I regret so much not calling him back the last time he called me, other things got in the way. I hope that you will forgive me son. I love you Tony, always will, always have. Your father.

  • Irene says:

    Thank you for writing your story, or part of it. I lost my son Kieran, aged 26 this March. I’m devastated. He was such a huge part of my world. His death has fast tracked me to a life crossroads I had slowly and tentatively moving towards beforehand. A career change at 52 years is terrifying. ‘What if it’s a huge mistake?’ ‘What about my company pension?’ ‘What if I don’t make it?’ So many what ifs. But nothing, absolutely nothing can beat the scale and proportion of the impact of Kie’s death, so technically I could just surrender to the unknown and follow where my feet seem to be carrying me. Many friends say they hear Kieran and speak with him. They see him in dreams. I rarely do. When I hear him it’s just a simple ‘alright Mum’ and in the 3 vague dreams I’ve had where he has been present, he’s just a young child. Whenever I think I’ve ‘turned a corner’ and start to feel a modicum of peace and acceptance, something just triggers another seam of grief, inconsolable and heart wrenching. The forever of my loss of Kie is terrifying. Your words have brought me comfort and courage, many thanks, Irene.

  • Dee says:

    I lost my 43 yr old son 3 months ago. My feeling are all of your early thoughts. I dont understand how others can get signs, cardinals, a touch etc. But I cant get anything.i need desperately to see or feel him. Why cant i?
    Days just getting harder

  • Hi Irene, I am so sorry for your loss. We share something very devastating. What I realized when I read your words is that my son Rich, IS a huge part of my world. Since before he was born he and I were connected. I was aware of him, and the love I had for him grew. The surprise is that my love continues to grow. Now even after his death he is part of every single day.

    Oh my gosh, I feel for you. I will send you an email from my [email protected] email.

  • Hi Irene, I am so sorry for your loss. We share something so devastating. What I realized when I read your words is that my son Rich, IS a huge part of my world. Since before he was born he and I were connected. I was aware of him, and the love I had for him grew. The surprise is that my love continues to grow. Now even after his death he is part of every single day.

    Oh my gosh, I feel for you. I will send you an email from my [email protected] email.

  • Hi Irene, Dee, I am so sorry for your losses. We share something so devastating. What I realized when I read your words is that my son Rich, IS a huge part of my world. Since before he was born he and I were connected. I was aware of him, and the love I had for him grew. The surprise is that my love continues to grow. Now even after his death he is part of every single day.

    I want you to know about a closed FB group that I run, I will send you an email from my [email protected] email.

    Basia

  • Hello John,
    Of course, you will always love your Tony. You will always be his father. I’m moved by your message. Not too many people have experienced the death of a grown, mature child. So many years of growth and change. I will message you via email, from my [email protected] email.

    Basia

  • Judy Anderson says:

    My 33 year old son died of Sepsis from pneumonia March 8. We talked daily and he was my best friend as well.
    I am literally paralyzed. I am numb. I feel guilty I didn’t know he was sick. I don’t eat . I feel like vomiting all the time.
    I have no interest in life. I don’t know what to do. I have so many questions and no answers. I can’t cook or clean or barely breath. I have no support. I’m ignoring my other children. I just feel nothing but dread. The hardest thing is I don’t know where he is?

  • Tiffany Agnew says:

    Thank you for writing and sharing this article. I just lost my 18 year old son in May of this year. I am feeling completely lost in this world now without him. Thanks for giving me hope that I too can heal and change my life <3

  • Dear Judy, my heart breaks for you…for us, really. The #1 thing that helped me most was to imagine my son in the room, when I didn’t want to get out of bed, or cook, or clean…I imagined him saying “Mom, who are you? You’re not my mom. My mom loves to bike ride and paddle board. My mom loves the sunshine and nature. Get out of bed, mom, Go do the things that you like.” I almost lived FOR him because he couldn’t.

    I cried while doing everything. But I felt him in the love of the things we did together. It’s a horrible journey but the people who have come into my life…I feel a connection through our broken hearts to the unconditional love of our children.

    Please check your email inbox from me…[email protected]

  • Janice says:

    Thankyou for sharing your story about your son he sounded like an amazing son every mother sees that in their children – my son died 14 June 2018 only 3 weeks ago yet as sad as I feel about his passing I know he would want me to continue to live my life and never be crippled because he is no longer with me I am thankful that I got to see my son and spend time with him for 39 yrs of his years he was 40 – My life will be forever changed knowing I will never see or hear my son’s voice again the strength I have right now is because I have a loving family and very good friends I am eternally grateful that I experienced lived in my child’s life

    Take Care
    God Bless

  • nancy bell says:

    I’m still mad at God. My son died of a massive heart attack june 25 2015, on the front lawn. He had just come from work and was getting out of his work truck and passed. I have bargained with God (I know it’s all part of the greiving ) why him? Take me. But I will never understand why God would sacrifice his son Jesus and not himself. I would give my life for my son’s. I am heartbroken to the core.

  • Anne McKee says:

    Dear Mrs Mosinski,
    Thank you for this article. My 45 year old son died suddenly this week. I am devastated. Just as you wrote, I too have called his name over and over trying to feel him somehow, but nothing so far. I’m not sure I can ever get pass this hurt. Your words have consoled me, somewhat but I am still broken-hearted.

  • Marci says:

    I lost my adult son 4 weeks ago. The never ending emptiness is overwhelming. I am overcome with lonliness and sadness. I sit on my couch and hold his ashes and cry my heart out.

  • Kandie says:

    I lost my son on June 19, 2018 and he had just turned 27 on June 15. 2018. He was murdered and left on the concrete and was found in front of someones house @5:30 am. The phone call from the police still haunts my dreams. Due to open police investivation I still dont know exactly his cause of death. My sons murder has changed my life, I feel such grief, guilt, anger, extreme depression, I cry every single day, I can’t function! I have 3 other kids daughter 13, sons 15 and 29. I know I have them to live for and them seeing me so broken hurt me too. I do have a strong presents of God in my but going back to church took alot for me. Im a gospel singer and I could here my son tell me, “mom go sing, you will feel better”. I pray for all of you and your loss of your child and thank you for your stories of hope.

  • Lisa says:

    My 26 year-old son died unexpectedly June 1, 2018. I can’t live! I’m alive, but no “life”…I find no joy in anything. If I didn’t have my daughter, I would’ve killed myself already. It was always just us 3…we were extremely close. My daughter lives out of town, I see her about every few months, but we text almost daily. How can I be any kind of “happy” when my son’s young life is gone. How is it fair to my deep love for him, that I could smile again? I feel I’m betraying my son being gone, to “enjoy” anything when he’s not here. He will never smile or enjoy life ever again, how can I? I go to a psychologist regularly, but do not go anywhere else. I am paralyzed by my profound sadness & depression, knowing I’ll never feel his hug again or hear him say “I love you mom” ever again. The horrendous heartbreak is unbearable. I even have physical ailments from this. I have faith in The Lord, but I have been questioning that lately. How could a loving God allow a good, kind and caring person die and allow evil people to live!? My struggle is overwhelming. My heart goes out to all parents who have lost a child.

  • Nicky says:

    My son died suddenly on the 24th of march 2018 he was only 20yrs old, he passed away in front of me, but was ventilated for organ harvest, the flash backs are horrendous, i don’t think i will ever get over his death.

  • Sue Rodrigues says:

    Thank you, I really needed to hear this. My biggest thing is just being able to hold him or have him answer me back with his voice. That is just the mom in me. I think maybe he would really love for me to take an interest in things we talked about.

  • Sue Rodriguez, I tried to email you at the yahoo.com email and it bounced back to me. Please reach out to me at [email protected]

  • Dear Readers, when this article was originally published, I was able to respond directly to each comment. I am no longer able to do that, so my responses tend to be free floating, although they are meant as a response to a comment. What I have done is begun to reach out to the email provided when you comment. If you don’t hear from me, please also send your comment to my email [email protected]. I would never have written these words had it not been for my son Richard. You would not be reading these words had it not been for your child or loved one. I truly believe that the connections through them is important. Your comment is a spark of light, in the darkness. Fanning the flame of the spark is our choice.

  • OMG, Nicky, what you experienced is so horrendous. Of course, you will never get over this experience. It is all so fresh in your mind as well. There are a few tips that I can offer regarding the brain body connection of memory. My kindle eBook “Lost to Found” due out by September 15, 2018 has some references to what can help.

    Contact me and I will share what I have learned.

    We are connected through our children. I would never have written those words had my precious Richard not passed. You would never have read my words had your beautiful son passed. I had a dream of Richard last night. I know he is with me in my work.

    Wishing you peace.

    Basia

  • OMG, Nicky, what you experienced is so horrendous. Of course, you will never get over this experience. It is all so fresh in your mind as well. There are a few tips that I can offer regarding the brain body connection of memory. My kindle eBook “Lost to Found” due out by September 15, 2018 has some references to what can help.

    Contact me and I will share what I have learned.

    We are connected through our children. I would never have written those words had my precious Richard not passed. You would never have read my words had your beautiful son passed. I had a dream of Richard last night. I know he is with me in my work.

    Wishing you peace.

    Basia

  • Irene Michalski says:

    This is my second son Ive lost. My first was when he was 27. A car accident. It almost killed me. But haf a husband and 3 other children and full time job to keep me going. That was 17 yrs ago. This past year my 37 yr old son had a stroke. I struggled with him from March till Dec1 when he took his own life. And now I live alone. Its been such a struggle. Both my sons are in heaven. As they accepted God and made their conformation . I just want them to love me like they did here. They say in heaven everyone loves each other the same. My husband is gone also. I want them to love me as mom. Not like anyone else. Does anyone know of scripture that says if there is any soecial feelings for moms ir dads?

  • Bobbi Hartz says:

    Basia,
    Your story was so very touching, as well as others that I have read that have lost their children that breaks my heart. I so wished that I could take everyone’s pain away.
    I had moved back 2 months previous before my son’s passing after being gone from Washington State for almost 8 years. He had asked me to move back for years, but something always came up to prevent it.
    Almost 8 months ago now, my 27 year old son C.J. called me, he was sitting in his truck in traffic heading back to Willsonville OR. He called to ask me to do him a favor because he wouldn’t be back in time to take care of it. I said sure. We chatted for awhile while he sat in traffic. Then he said “Awe man” and it’s like he was in pain or something. Then he said “Mom let me call you back”. Then all I heard was what sounded like the phone dropping and hitting on the way down until it hit the floor and hung up. I called back, I knew something was wrong. No answer, just ranged. Finally after what seemed like maybe 45 minutes, the tow truck driver answered the phone. Said he only answered because it said Mom on my son’s phone. He informed me that my son had a cardiac arrest. He informed my of the closest hospital where my son was at. I thought it was a joke, until I got hold of the hospital and he was there in ICU and the nurse wanting to know if I was coming now. I said yes. I got there to my son, he was on a vent machine, in a coma.
    I learned later that a young man pulled my son from his truck and his lips and face was Blue. He did compression’s only, no mouth to mouth 🙁 An office happen upon the scene and used his defibrillator on my son. My son was then rushed to the hospital.
    We were in ICU for 8 days, the doctors running test on my son with no results. I advocated for my son. I just knew he was going to open his eyes. The end result was I had to say goodbye to my baby, “this is killing me to type”. The doctors have no reason why my healthy 27 year old baby passed. He is in the only 2 percentile to be able to donate all his organs, even his heart. There was nothing wrong with his heart. My baby passed and I have no answers. I only got 2 months with him, that’s it. When I moved back, he was at my house just about everyday, walking through my front door saying “Mom”. He left behind a 7 month old daughter and a 5 year old son.
    I feel like I have had a body part ripped off of me. I begged God to please trade places with me in the hospital, take me and not my baby, that I was Old and he was just starting his young life. But no, he took my baby and I’m left here, makes no sense. I only got 2 months.
    I’m in family grief counseling, I try not to let anyone see me cry. People around me act like I’m a strong woman and am moving along fine. That’s because they can’t relate, except through loosing a parent, it’s not the same, “I want to scream”. I gave birth to this child, I loved him before he was born. I nurtured him as an baby, toddler, little boy, the teenage years, and a beautiful young man. Everything is falling apart around my ears, my marriage. I’m so tired.
    Thank you for your time. Just an emotional day. I spent most of the morning at my baby’s grave.

  • Dear Bobbi,
    My heart breaks for you. I’m so moved by the similarity of moving to a new location to live near your son and then he died suddenly! Such a nightmare. I am so sorry. Please check your email. I offered you a few resources including my eBook…”Lost to Found: Surviving the death of your child”

    https://www.amazon.com/Lost-Found-Surviving-Death-Child-ebook/dp/B07H85DMPN/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1537808613&sr=8-1&keywords=Lost+to+Found%3A+Surviving+the+death+of+your+child

    Please stay in touch.
    Basia

  • Dear Irene,

    Please check your email. I sent you a personal message.

    I am so sorry for your devastating losses. You and I share multiple losses…to this day the thought that this worst nightmare could happen to someone twice or more is mind boggling.

    Here is a link to my eBook (Amazon Kindle) entitled “Lost to Found: Surviving the death of your child”. I hope this helps. In the book I describe two losses and surviving them… https://www.amazon.com/Lost-Found-Surviving-Death-Child-ebook/dp/B07H85DMPN/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1537808613&sr=8-1&keywords=Lost+to+Found%3A+Surviving+the+death+of+your+child

    Please stay in touch.
    Basia

  • Juli Y Bryan says:

    I lost my 37 yr old son on New year’s Eve very suddenly. He was my life. I am in trouble… Getting Worse not better.. It his me every single morning I wake up crying. Some c days I can’t get up and function. About to lose job n idc… Lost everything already…. We were very close lifelong… I be want there n I feel I failed him somehow…I also lost my cats afterwards… Death send to follow me

  • Patrick says:

    I am going through the same thing with my 30 year old son, he may only have a day or days left.
    The grief is unbearable. My son is Doctor of Physics and one of the good guys who would never say a bad thing about anyone. He has suffered so much over this past year…. Why has God allowed this.
    I have prayed with every ounce of my being to God to save my son, but nothing.
    To see my son going through this is the worse nightmare a parent can have, my heart is breaking and there is nothing I can do to , Where is God and why won’t he help.

  • Patrick says:

    I am going through the same thing with my 30 year old son, he may only have a day or days left.
    The grief is unbearable. My son is Doctor of Physics and one of the good guys who would never say a bad thing about anyone. He has suffered so much over this past year…. Why has God allowed this.
    I have prayed with every ounce of my being to God to save my son, but nothing.
    To see my son going through this is the worse nightmare a parent can have, my heart is breaking and there is nothing I can do to , Where is God and why won’t he help.

  • Juli, my heart goes out to you. I have responded with a personal message. Please check you Inbox, Spam and Junk to be sure you find it from me: [email protected]

    I am so moved when someone comments on my words because my words would not have been written had it not been for my son, Richard and Stepson Logan’s deaths. They live through me now and reach people I would never have otherwise met. That has meaning to me.

    Thank you for sharing your soul.

    Basia

  • Patrick, I have responded to your email with a personal message. Please check you Inbox, Spam and Junk to be sure you find it from me: [email protected]

    Our losses bring us together but they don’t define us. What defines us is who we become.

    Thank you for sharing your soul.

    Basia

  • Diana Parr says:

    Have I left Planet Earth??? This can’t be real! How is it possible that my son was here one day and gone forever the next. I was notified on 9/11/18 that my beautiful 32 year old son died on Sept 10th from an accidental overdose. I have been profoundly changed and I’m not sure how to survive this magnitude of grief and sadness. I posted this letter to his facebook page immediately after I stopped crying for a few minutes. It seemed the only way to release some of the intensity of emotions. Writing seems to help some.

    Dear Sorin:
    My grief and sadness are so profound I feel the pain in every molecule of my being. The profanity of your death leaves me bereft and my soul feels scattered. I send my love with you on your new journey and take comfort in knowing that you knew the depth of my mother’s love for you while you were here.

    I can hardly bare the truth, I will never see your smiling face again in this lifetime, I will never feel your hugs and I we will never have another wonderful conversation. The tears don’t stop. I do know that I was blessed to have you for as long as I did and to share this journey called life.

    I will see you again when I wake from this dream and we will celebrate but until then I will carry this burden of loss. There is no life without death, no joy without sadness, no pleasure without pain…we hold our breath and wait for the balance. Good Bye My Son!
    Mom loves you Kid!
    “Just be! “

    I can’t stop crying and I don’t want to vanish from a broken heart, I have 2 older children and 4 beautiful grandchildren. I choose to be ok but I’m not sure how. I will keep trying though. My heart goes out to each and every one of you that have felt the sledge hammer of the loss of a child.
    This was my Son’s last post on FB 9/9/18 – Pretty Ironic!
    “Count your blessings cuz every morning you wake up is another one!”

  • It is uncanny that your son left such a profound message. I call these things the Mysteries of Life. I still shake my head four years later. I miss him so much. I find comfort when I meditate. I quiet my mind and connect with him in my soul through the unconditional love that well never change.

    Dear Diana, I am grateful that Richard continues to bring me in contact with other parents, who know the deep waters like I do and continue to strive to get out in front of the waves like the best surfers, honoring their children with every attempt.

    Thanks you for your message. I am so sorry for your loss of Sorin.

    Basia

  • Shabnam Dattu says:

    Thank you for sharing. Today marks 14 months since I lost my 27 yr old son. I continue for him too, each day I focus on becoming stronger and enjoy the things I once did because I know that’s what he would want. Love never dies.

  • Ginger Boger says:

    Thank you !!!! I always believe that things come to me as they were meant to happen….. Amd rite now in this moment I know for sure that the feelings I am having are the same as you have described💚💚 To my Angel Dax Christopher Baker🙏💚🙏 Mama Dukes loves you……

  • Thank you for your comment…”Love never dies.”

  • Ginger, thank you so much for your comment. I can feel the love energy coming through. I sent you an email from my [email protected] account. So grateful to be connected.

  • Vanessa Sumner says:

    I arrived back home on new years eve 2017 to the home i shared with my eldest son. It felt eerily different, quiet. I called my sons name as i went through the door, but there was no reply. He had passed away on the sofa, i screamed at him to not be dead. I rang the emergency services who instructed me to get him onto the floor and comence cpr, which i did through screams for him to wake up, the emergency services arrived but it was too late. My much loved, troubled son was gone, there and then my life as i knew it was changed forever. I have though a lot since that day about ending my life, but i know he would not have wanted me to do that I have grandchildren, a son and a daughter and a few close friends who keep telling me i cannit do ‘that’to them.I have to believe i will be reunited with my son when the time is right but i pray it is soon as i cannot bear the thought of it being a long drawn out time till i see him again. Is that selfish of me, to want to leave my two remaining children and my grandchildren without a mother or grand mother? Your story touched me deeply, i understand your grief, your loss. I would love to hear from you, but i dont know if thats possible,

  • Jen Wells says:

    Help me. I’m not even close to being over my son’s death. It’s killing me.

  • Jen, I sent you a personal email message. Please don’t despair. Reach out. Basia

  • Hi Jen,

    I am so sorry for yours and all of our losses. Please don’t despair.

    Reach out. I sent you a personal email message.

    Basia

  • Mrs Barbara Lawrence says:

    Hello,
    We lost our Beautiful Son Robert in 2016, he was 40. It has absolutey broken me we moved back nearer our other children & Grandchildren.
    But now I feel as if he cannot find me. I keep asking for a sign,
    Keep hoping he will come to me in my dreams would a spiritualist help
    Thankyou for listening . Barbara

  • Dear Barbara,

    Thank you so much for your comment.

    Are you on FaceBook? I started a closed FaceBook group called ‘Open to Our Angels’. I think it might be a good fit for you.

    Please reach me via email: [email protected] (no .com) I can help.

    Please know that your beautiful son Robert isn’t lost. In fact, the ones who get lost are us the grieving parents! We get lost and disoriented because everything has changed. When you get settled he will be able to make connection. Open to Our Angels will help.

    Also if you search my name on Amazon you will find my new paperback book called “Lost to Found: How to Survive the death of Your Child”.

  • Chris says:

    Today is Nov 9th, my 21 yr old son Cameron passed away on Nov 6th 2018. I just left the funeral home with his mother, brother, his wife and my wife making arrangements for him. I’m roughly 3 days into the nitemare and trying to make since of it it all. Until Monday November the 5th, I hadn’t spoken with my son in several months. I had text him for months and called. But out of the blue, he called and text me Monday night and we spoke for around 11 mins. We made small talk and he aplogized for not talking with me for all those months. We made plans together to discuss some hard feelings he had, but only wanted to tell me in person. After saying our love yous we hung up. I felt I needed to reach back out to him and text again with no answer. I received a call Tuesday around 11:44 am from his mother telling me to get the hospital because he wasn’t breathing and they were working on him. In the middle of my drive she called back and told me to go to her house instead. I knew then he was gone. Cameron was my middle son and his mother’s baby boy, needless to say our family is broken at his untimely death. We are still waiting to find out what happened which may take a few days to months. This journey is just starting for our family and I am angry beyond believe at my self for not being there, doing more and getting the him
    help that he needed. Like most here, if I only had 1 more day to hug him, hold his hand, comfort him, hang out with him and just look at him….I may could find peace. But that’s not to happen, my son is gone and I’m sitting here heart broken.Please if you happen to read this, love your family hard, don’t leave days between you and handle those disagreements before night falls. You might not have tomorrow to make amends. I love you Cameron with every fiber of my being and I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you the day you passed. Peace until we meet again.

  • Dear Chris,

    Such a heartbreaking time. The devastation of losing your son just 10 days ago is horrendous in and of itself. Not know why he died AND having spoken with him the day prior is too much for any one person to bare.

    Please know that your anger is a ‘normal’. Fight, flight and freeze are trauma responses.

    Please be good to yourself. Take breaks from people and stressors, if/when you can.
    I’m glad you reached out and commented. There is help available. I sent you and email.

    Basia

  • What I mean by ‘help’ is that when you’re ready there are resources to help you cope. Of course, nothing can take away or temper your loss. Words are so inadequate sometimes.

    Basia

  • Marjorie Williams says:

    Hi my name is Marjorie Williams I was reading ur letter n I want to say first my sorry about ur son .n thanks for writing ur letter.my son was kill last year n nov 20 2017 I seen my son get kill .my life just stop at that moment i been trying to keep my head on tigh but its hard my life ended when his life ended everyday i take one step n front of the otherit hard but thank u so much

  • this is so strange, 7 years ago I lost my son he was 27, lastnite I was having a really bad night, I ask God please please take some of this pain away I have ask him to take this wall down that I have build around me, its tearing my marriage apart, it’s like IAM in my own little world, so lastnite I begged my son who passed away to give me a sign that he is ok, I told him please please just some kind of sign, then I woke this morning and the first thing that popped up on my phone was this article from you, and I read this article and looked at my son’s picture with a smile and said thank for giving me this article to read, and the person who wrote it.

  • Marian Bonikowske says:

    I am a member of Compassionate Friends in Pekin Il. I was at the conference in St .Louis this past summer, which I loved the workshops! The death of my grown son from Colon Cancer totally broke me to pieces, he was married with twin boys, age 11 when he died in August of 2016. I have never been the same. I am married the second time 28 years. My step son died in March of 2018 from addiction. Also an adult. Yes indeed this puts an enormous strain on our marriage! I am a talker, my husband is not. Without Compassionate Friends I would never be where I am today. My husband will not go, Will not talk about it. I feel like I hit the wall trying to converse. Therefore, I decided he will have to do this himself. Our boys were as different as day and night. The problem for me is my son fought so hard to live, whereas my step son totally threw his life away, as I am aware it is a sickness. I just don’t know to get our marriage on track I am 70 years old! I hate to leave my comfort zone.

  • Marian,

    Thank you for your comment. It means so much to me. I feel my son and stepson participating in our paths crossing and perhaps your children as well.

    Multiple losses are rarely addressed in grief literature yet for many people the tsunami of loss takes so much from us in addition to the ultimate loss of our child or children.

    Each of us grieves differently. You and your husband are both vulnerable. You’re right not to leave your comfort zone…too much has happened, already.

    Growth comes from being authentic. You can grow from this without your husband changing short of a breech of a marital ‘deal breaker’.

    I have sent you a personal message to your email.

    Wishing you strength.
    Basia

  • Dear Kim,
    Thank you for your comment. I am certain that my son Richard and stepson Logan were instrumental in the ‘mystery’ of this article popping up on your phone. And now it sounds like your son was also involved and here we are communicating.

    I am so glad that comfort came with this sign that he is OK. The sign also prompted you to reach out and comment coming out of ‘your own little world’. This is how it goes for many of us. The signs help up to feel connected to our children and then to others. Our paths crossing feels good because our hearts have been cracked open. We can feel the BS in the world around us and tend to seek people and experiences that feel authentic.

    Basia

  • Hi Marjorie,

    Thank you for your compassion about the transition of my son and stepson.

    My heart breaks for you. It is bad enough to have your child die, but to be killed AND to be there at the time, is simply too much for anyone to bear. My heart aches for you.

    Thank you for your comment. One step at a time is helpful. In addition to that, joining groups of other parents who have similar losses is very helpful. The Compassionate Friends closed FaceBook groups are very helpful. I also have started a closed FaceBook group called Open to Our Angles. I welcome you and others to check it out to see if it is a good fit for you.

    I have sent you a personal email message.

    Sending much love,
    Basia