My eldest son gone to soon.

My son passed away 9 months ago he was 23 yrs old. I miss him so much my pain is still so raw. I am a strong woman and I have stayed strong for my husband and two other sons. I have now been in survival mode for the past nine months. My youngest son went into a downward spiral of depression and started rebelling and making very poor choices. So I found myself putting whatever energy I could muster into helping him deal with his pain. My middle son left for college in Aug….and I had to support it when I just wanted him home felt like another loss but I had to get through that and did…. I feel like I have been on a roller coaster and I want to get off. I want to deal with my pain now for me and stop taking care of everyone else. That is what I do that is what I was suppose to do for my son. I could not save him I could not help him but I so wanted to make it all ok. He feel down the wrong path of drugs and he was on the road to recovery so we all thought and one night he was found dead at his computer he drifted off to sleep. His heart just stopped why why does a 23 yr old boys heart just stop. I am sorry I am just rabbling. I have not dealt with my guilt and anger and pain I have just been taking care of everyone and working and moving and moving and moving. I feel like a volcano ready to erupt. I so miss my son and want him for one more day……one more hr…..just to tell him all the things I hope new.


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  • rroth says:

    My name is Robin as well. I lost my beloved son, Scott, April 8, 2010. His heart stopped for the same reasons. My feelings are so similiar to yours. SURVIVAL MODE. I am going to take care of my physical health NOW. I am wore out. I have strength in GOD and know that our sons are in a better place. They will watch over us and want us to keep them in our hearts without guilt. We did not cause their addiction. We could not cure it either. My son was also clean. I hope that you find comfort in the arms of a loving family and GOD. Peace. Robin

  • joan says:

    my heart goes out to you my son died suddenly I dont have any answers for you somehow life goes on and as mothers we try to be strong then we fall in a heap grieving is torment I am in the busy mode go go and angry my other son has also turned to substance abuse to deal with his loss what do we do joan

  • Harriet Hodgson says:

    Robin, I am so sorry for your loss and understand some of your feelings. My daughter started using drugs and alcohol in 8th grade. She used for many years and we finally obtained a court document ordering her to treatment. Though it took years, my daughter recovered, turned her life around, lived her life according to the Big Book, became an engineer, and a productive member of society. But she didn’t get to enjoy her recovery very much because she died from the injuries she received in a car crash in 2007. As someone who lost four family members that year, I feel we have two choices: exist, or join life again. I chose the latter.

  • jf in sf says:

    Lost my son at 31 years of age due to breathing problems. 3 years later I’ve never recovered. A little change in life everyday is helping though. Taking up new hobbies and long walks have helped. We must as individuals help ourselves to celebrate our life while we are here. Can’t bring our children back but can all ways remember the good times….