As most of us know, there are certain things that trigger our emotions while on this journey of grief.  I think it’s safe to say that we all understand there are different stages of grief, different emotions and feelings also. Many people experience anger while grieving. Anger at the deceased, anger at God, anger at the situation, just plain anger.

After my sister was murdered, just under 18 months ago, I experienced anger. I still experience it.  I was angry that it happened to my sister. I was angry at God, and I still have a few questions for him.  The anger now comes and goes. I think I have taught myself to release the anger when I can and suppress the anger when I need to.

A few months after my sister died, the anger welled up inside me and finally came spilling out. I had days that I wanted to hit something.  I knew I couldn’t do that. My counselor had told me time and time again, I could feel, think, act in any way I wanted to as long as I didn’t cause physical harm to myself or anyone else. If I did that, I would be crossing the line, the line between healthy and unhealthy grief. 

My anger and my need to hit something grew.  In my home, the door that led from the house to the garage had a half window in it. When I would go to the garage, I would grab the door knob and look at that glass. I often thought, I could punch that window, it wouldn’t do much damage. I fought the urge. Every day, I fought that urge.

Finally, I made a sign that read “Do Not Cross That Line.” A sensory reminder that kept me from punching that window. Eventually, I did go out and purchase a punching bag, complete with the gloves.  My husband hung the bag in the garage for me and I began to use it everyday. I punched and cussed and punched and cussed. Every day, often several times a day, I would go to the garage, pull the gloves on and punch that bag. It felt good. I was releasing the anger in a healthy way. A way that worked for me.

Nine months after my sister’s death, I moved back to my home state. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a garage or a place for the punching bag in my new home. My son has the bag in his garage, 90 miles away from where I live.  I began suppressing the anger more and more. 

I needed a new release, a physical release.  I had read or heard somewhere about an older lady who felt anger when her husband died. I remembered what she did, so I too, decided to try it. I went to the local Goodwill store and bought as much of the inexpensive glassware I could carry.

I then told my boss what I wanted to do and she okayed it.  The glassware stays in the trunk of my car. When I feel the need and I have the opportunity, I drive to work when no one is there. I pull up to the dumpster, retrieve the glass from my trunk and start throwing the glass in the dumpster. I throw with all my might. When the glass shatters inside the dumpster, it’s like a release for me. It helps me with the anger.

A third way I’ve released anger is to write. I write letters, never sending them, to anyone or anything that angers me.  Sometimes, just getting the thoughts out of my mind and onto paper, is all it takes.  I’ve written several letters. I re-read them sometimes, I throw them away sometimes. I can always write more letters.

Anger is an overwhelming emotion, especially to those of us who had rarely really experienced anger. Not at this level.  My anger comes and goes. Since my sister’s murder, I experience anger on different levels, at different times.
I feel anger that it happened to my sister. I feel anger that she died in such a tragic way. I feel anger that she died in terror and fear. I feel anger at the choice that one human being made to end another human being’s life. I feel angry at the justice system. I still at times feel anger at our higher being. 

Anger is okay. It is perfectly normal to feel anger. It’s even better when you find ways to release the anger. I suppose I’ll be tossing glass in dumpsters and writing letters for a long time to come. It’s okay, I’m normal.  

Shirley Wiles-Dickinson 2011

Tags: anger