When on your grief journey, you may hear people say things to you that are not appropriate at all. Perhaps that person was only trying to comfort you or has never lost a child and has no idea what you are feeling or going through. Certain phrases and sentences to others may seem like a way to show they care and are thinking about you, but all it really does is make you mad.
Some of those phrases and my reactions (in italic type) to myself or others include:
“Your child is in a better place.” No, she’s not. She should be right here with me.
“Aren’t you over it yet?” I’ll never get over this. In time I may be able to learn to live with the loss, but I’ll never get over it completely, nor will I ever forget.
“I know how you feel. My dog died last year.” Please don’t compare your dog to my child. You may have loved your dog very much, but a dog is not a human being, born and nurtured from your body.
“You can have more children.” Maybe I can, maybe I can’t; maybe I can’t bear the thought of ever going through this again, but having another child would not be to replace the one I lost.
“God never gives you more than you can bear.” Why did God do this to me at all? Am I being punished for some reason?
“Time will heal your hurt.” Time may ease the pain somewhat, but heal me completely?
Never! I will always ache for my child and what we have both lost
.
“I understand.” No you don’t, unless you have also lost a child. Nothing compares. A child should never die before a parent.
“At least she isn’t suffering.” She is suffering. I am suffering. She had so much more living to do, things to accomplish. No matter what would have happened to her physically, she would have dealt with it and continued living a full life.
“Crying won’t bring her back.” Crying is a healthy emotion to cleanse your body physically and mentally. No, I won’t get her back, but to hold back emotions is known to cause more damage. If I want to scream and rant, that is okay also.
“It’s time to get rid of her clothes and belongings.” When I feel it is the right time I’ll take some action. It could be a month, a year or even 5 years. I will do it in my own time. I will never get rid of everything. There are some items I could never part with.
Be patient with these people and don’t let these common phrases get to you. DO try to let others know what you personally think is not appropriate to say to a bereaved parent, whether it is your child or someone else’s.
Sandy is the author of “I Have No Intention of Saying Good-bye,” 25 stories of hope and inspiration on how to deal and move on after the death of a child. Check out www.bandn.com to order a book.
Tags: grief, hope
Sandy:
I applaud you for this posting. And, I’m so grateful for this website. Just the other day I was told I needed to “get over it.” I was told that life is passing me by. It left me with not wanting to let anyone know that I’m still grieving the loss of my parents. I wrote a poem shortly after I was told to “get over it.” I will share it with everyone, because the poem reflects how angry I became, because of those three words.
My 27 year old son suddenly died November 6th. We don’t yet know the cause, but I think that it involved mixing alcohol with prescription medicine. For years, there were some friends of his that encouraged risky behaviors – including their parents who allowed home parties with alcohol, etc., when he was a teen. These same parents have expressed to me that my son was “like their own son” to them. As I have held anger at their permissiveness and refusal to act like responsible parents since his teenage years, it now pains me beyond comprehension that they now say something so insensitive to me. Their idea to honor his death the night of his funeral was a drinking party, complete with posting the photo’s on the internet. These people have no idea about the depth of my pain or loss. He was my son.
Thank you. One of my co-workers gave me the “I know how you feel because I remember how bad I felt when my dog died”. I was too numb with grief to respond but I remember thinking “How could she possibly compare the two?”. It’s been 4 months now since Angel died. There are few things I remember from the days after he strangled (at 2 years, 7 months and one day old on a window blind cord), but I remember N comparing Angel’s death to her dog’s death. And I still can’t believe it. I know she meant well but the kindest comments I got were “I’m sorry. I wish Angel was with you.” or “It’s not fair that he isn’t with you”. And really, only parents who have lost a child were any help. I would look at those who have walked this path and think “They’re still here. How, I don’t know. But they are still here walking around. So it must be survivable”.