By Pamela Prime —
Children are the most beautiful gifts and provide the most extraordinary challenges to us. I often say to parents who are in pain that no one can hurt us as parents like our children can. They can hurt us with words and actions, with their choices or lack of choices, and with their criticisms and impatience. And no one can bring the kind of joy that comes from one’s children when they express their love and appreciation of us.
Children are amazing teachers for us. I think this is because we love them so much that we will do almost anything to have loving relationships with them. The greatest thing they have to teach us is that they have their own lives, and we must learn to let go. It takes a great deal of time and maturing to remain at peace and to love our children, regardless of how they are living their lives or responding to us as their parents.
If you have children, how have you felt hurt by their words, actions, or choices? Have you been able to heal your pain and fully engage with your children again? If you do not have children, have you experienced hurt or pain with the children of your siblings or friends? Have you been able to heal your pain and fully engage with the children again?
Some couples grieve the death of a child while others desperately want to conceive a child and, for whatever reason, they can’t. The pain for these couples can be excruciating and continues until they realize they must live without the child that they long for. There are others who have deeply held desires as well… desires for a loving spouse, a good job, or a healthy body, and find pain in their unmet desires.
If you want to conceive a child or if there is something important to you that you deeply desire, how do you cope with the feelings of disappointment of unmet longings?
Sometimes things happen in our lives that appear utterly incomprehensible and absolutely impossible to overcome. We cannot imagine being normal or happy ever again and yet as time passes, the pain eases and we begin to heal. We don’t ever forget the loss or the pain, but we learn to be happy again in spite of it.
What in your life has caused you to feel as though you could never be happy again? Have you overcome that feeling?
Pamela Prime is a Spiritual Director, an educator and a writer. She has a master’s degree in Systematic Theology from The Graduate School of Theology in Berkeley. Her first book When the Moon is Dark We can See the Stars, was published in 2008. Pamela has a 4-month-old daughter who died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. She also has a son who at the age of 16, committed suicide. To reach Pamela or learn more about her book, visit www.whenthemoonisdark.com.
Tags: grief, hope
I was caught by your understanding that our children can wound us too. It is in being able to let them go and grow that we can move on. I am an older person and still feel I have much to learn as a parent. I think it helps me to be a better grandparent. Thank you for mentioning this reality in your writing today.
Thank you, John. As a grandmother, I feel that I am still learning and my grand-children are my newest teachers. I am touched by how much they see and speak that I need to see and hear.
One thing that I learned later in my parenting is that my only job as a parent is to love my children and only if they are in danger of hurting themselves or someone else am I to interfere. It was a great relief when I heard this bit of wisdom. And yes, letting go is so important and sometimes we think so hard. But actually, holding on is even harder. Blessings to you on your grand-parenting. I bet you are a great grand pa!