Grief is part of the human experience; however, the grief of daughters whose mothers have died is significantly different than other losses. Research is needed that does not quantify or reduce the suffering women experience to only numerical findings, but includes tools for grief empowerment. According to the National Alliance on Caregiving, over 53 million baby boomers are now caring for their ailing parents, and 61 percent of caregivers are women caring for a female relative, most likely their mothers. Because caregiving is considered a “woman’s job” (i.e., unpaid), women often suffer emotionally and financially from what is referred to in the literature as “caregiving burden.”

Many daughters discover that while caregiving, their bonds deepen with their mothers; this closeness also influences the intensity of loss when their mothers die. Losing a mother at any time is life-altering, but losing a mother when you have become her “mother,” and especially if you were forced to take care of her at the end of life, is particularly poignant and heart-wrenching. If you had a close bond with your mother, as I did, and were her caregiver at the end of her life, it is not uncommon to have metaphysical experiences, and often these experiences are more profound because of your closeness. However, because of that devoted connection and the intensity of that spiritual link, daughters have a more challenging time in bereavement. Caregivers are also more susceptible to experiencing psychological issues, including trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), remembering the pain and suffering of their mother. Caregiving can easily lead to compassion fatigue, which is most often associated with healthcare professionals. Many caregivers experience this fatigue at some point but don’t recognize it as such. They may dismiss their anger, anxiety, stomach issues, inability to focus, lack of patience, and sleeplessness as normal when in fact they are signs of the need for self-care. What they forget is that you cannot be expected to serve from an empty vessel.

What is often missing from current and past literature, however, is information about the spiritual and metaphysical components of mother loss. Women are often fearful about sharing these experiences with others, especially their health care providers, because they don’t want to be labeled as crazy. They frequently conceal how they really feel from therapists and physicians and even family members and friends for this reason. Although, there was an enormous amount of research on grief in general and parental loss, what was missing were studies examining mother loss for adult daughters that included this dimension.

I created my own study. My goal was to learn more about how daughters coped after their mothers passed away. I was especially interested in knowing more about the visions, dreams, and signs they received. I knew that I was not the only daughter to have these potent experiences. The survey I designed asked questions about all the components of grief that daughters may experience physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I sent the anonymous survey to some of the essayists in this book, as well as women who expressed interest in participating. It bears repeating that daughters are fearful and reluctant about sharing their metaphysical experiences with health care providers and sometimes with their family or friends for fear of being ridiculed. I want to lift that taboo. I believe this initial supporting data proves that spiritual experiences are valid and meaningful. One of the hallmarks of grief empowerment for daughters is their disclosure of this phenomenon. This study can help clinicians understand how women experienced mother loss and, more importantly, how they regained their equilibrium. The survey also includes questions about what or who helped daughters during their grief process, and their responses offer practical advice.

I have identified key results[1] from the survey, and this information is insightful and profound, and can assist health care professionals as well as daughters in understanding mother loss. I have included some of the results with the actual words written by participants.

Results from the Survey

What keywords would describe your grief process?

#1.  Lifelong adjustment.

# 2: Carnal, visceral, indescribable, immobilizing, never-ending.

#3. Horrific, agonizing, terrifying, gut-wrenching, painful

#4. Anger, relief, guilt.

#5. Some comfort in knowing she was with my sister.

# 6. Denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance, depression.

# 7.  Where was she?

# 8: Painful, sad.

# 9: Angry.

# 10: Scattered like sprinkles on a banana split sundae. Sprinkles are the surprises of the impact of her loss on each decade. 

Does the grief process ever end?

#1. Do not know if it ends. Adjust your life.

#2.  No.

#3. I’ve learned how to manage it.

#4. Never ends. I still miss her every day.

#5. No.

#6. It softens.

#7. The void of a mother’s love is always there. Just got better at coping

# 8:  Never ends, the pain does dull.

#9.  Mourning a death never ends.

# 10. Sorrow can quietly find its way into special moments.

What did you experience during your grief process?

#1. Horrible nightmares. Could not eat or sleep. GI problems, depression.

#2. GI problems, depression, inability to function, lack of interest in life.

#3.  GI problems, depression, inability to function, lack of interest in life.

#4.  No physical symptoms.

#5.  GI problems, depression, inability to function, lack of interest in life.

#6.  GI problems, depression.

#7.GI problems, appetite [issues], depression.

#8. Appetite [issues], depression, not having time to grieve.

# 9: No.

#10.  GI upset.

What or who helped you during your grief process?

#1. My son. I had to function for him.

#2. Nothing, no one understands.

#3. Family, friends, therapist, grief therapy, acupuncture.

#4. Friends.

#5. Nothing.

#6. Family, friends, aromatherapy, being in nature.

#7. Energy healing.

#8. Friends.

#9. Grief therapist.

#10. Friends, my dad, my friends’ moms.  Nature, acupuncture, psychotherapy, and the family I created.

Have you experienced mystical experiences after your mother passed away?

#1.  Dreams of my mom, and when I am in nature, I can feel her with me.

#2. Dreams and I often call out to her in my sleep.

#3.  My radio went off, and when I asked for a sign a year later, the radio went off again. I believe it was her.

#4. Had a vision and she told me she was taken, and she was not ready.

#5. I feel her presence and a warmth comes over me.  I have her walking stick, and I can feel her energy in my hand when I touch it.

#6.  My daughter spoke with her when she was two years old.

#7.  I felt her presence when I went to a religious park with my daughter.

#8. She shows up in dreams, and I pay close attention to nature, and I can feel her all around me.

#9. She had a near-death experience and said she was blissfully happy.

#10: Songs on the radio would magically come on like clockwork. Recurring dreams.

What advice would you offer other women who have experienced mother loss?

#1. Grieve any way you find possible. This process can last a lifetime.

#2.  Seek help immediately.  Do things that remind you of her and make them part of your life. – #3. Get all the help you can, and tell her how you feel every day.

#4. Cherish the memories.

#5. Talk about her often.

#6.  Allow grief, give yourself the grace to go through all the feelings. We all walk the path of grief differently.

#7.  Only others who have experienced this loss can relate to your pain.

#8. I wear her earrings, chain necklace, and wedding band every day.

#9. I do not feel qualified to give advice to anyone.

#10. Losing a mother is like losing the keys to who you are, and it can be lonely to navigate life. My best advice would be to ask yourself a lot of questions, questions you might otherwise ask your mothers, and to find the resources that you resonate with for joy and comfort.

What has brought you the most peace with her death?

#1.  I  feel communion with her when I contemplate the important turning point in her life, the decisions she made, and the legacy she left.

#2.  I have a marker in my backyard, and it has this description after her name: “radiating love, devotion, and kindness for all eternity.”

#3.  Make her live on through creating traditions associated with memories and things she did, and talking about her so other people can get to know her.

#4. I do not know if I will ever be at peace. I do know she was suffering, and that is the only solace I have, knowing that although she is not here, I would never want to see her suffer, so God called her home.

#5. Knowing that she lives on in me, seeing her in me.

#6. Talking about her.

#7.  I go to the beach often, which was my mother’s happy place.

#8. Learning more about my faith, I believe that I will see her again and that she can somehow see my daughters and me.

#9. As you enter my home, you will find one of my favorite photographs of her, which I enlarged, and I have many videos of her and my children.

#10. Her love (memories) and seeing my kids resemble parts of her. It makes my heart swell.

  I am grateful to the women who agreed to participate in this study, and I hope to conduct more extensive studies in the future to assist healthcare professionals in their knowledge of mother loss.

 

From The Eternal Bond by Janet Lynn Roseman, PhD.  © 2025 by Janet Lynn Roseman, PhD. Used by permission from Llewellyn Worldwide, Ltd., www.Llewellyn.com.

 

[1] The comments included in this article are abbreviated since the study was lengthy in scope. For more information contact Dr. Roseman, jroseman@nova.edu.