Monday is my brother’s birthday, and he has been gone for almost four years. I have been more emotional for weeks, and I didn’t even realize it; it hit me like a brick wall the other day. Grief is crazy like that; how it can just come in and take over like a bad storm, and you don’t even realize it.
Today I got a text from his wife, in a group chat with my other brother and his wife. Asking “Is the plan still on for Monday?” I was personally unaware of any plans for Monday. So, I had just planned my usual not much but space time and baking his favorite cupcakes with my two kids. I replied, “Was there a plan for Monday?” I was ignored in the first response, just replying to her. The second response was brief: “Going to a mountain to ski and snowboard.” And had tickets for. So, I replied, “Oh, nice, enjoy!” I wasn’t really sure if this was a mistaken text or the invite, but it wasn’t very much of either. Also, with the pre-ticket purchases, I wouldn’t think they were meant for me. My husband works away, so it’s just me with a 5-year-old and a 2-year-old. So, bringing them by myself skiing isn’t exactly an easy option. But if I had known beforehand, maybe we could have made arrangements for my son to go with them. He deserves that time with them; he absolutely adores them all.
This just reminds me again of the major changes death brings to your life. I just cried, because it made me say, ” Of course, sure, but I’m a big girl, I can move on. I’ve made leaps and bounds growing, especially here, in that I can’t do it all, trying to keep these relationships alive. But it breaks my heart for my children on so many different levels. So many life altering changes have happened for them, before they were born or without them knowing. But I see it! I feel it! I carry it!
We lost my mother, their Meme, while I was about 12 weeks pregnant with my son who is now 5. And my brother passed when my son was 2 and my daughter not yet born. I grieve the relationships I don’t have, they don’t get to have. The secondary losses of relationships with their aunts, uncles, and cousins. Or at least in the hands on closeness level that we all had before these deaths. Or the close nit cousins I got to grow up with.
I guess the moral here is you truly never get over the loss of your loved one, just when and how the grief shows up, it creeps up on you. But grief isn’t just about the people that have died, you grieve the people you love while watching them still live. Secondary losses are just as intense. These people change as much as you do from these losses
