One of the most common questions bereaved people ask me is some version of this: “Am I grieving wrong? Should I be in therapy?”

Here is the honest answer: most grievers do not need formal therapy. The overwhelming majority of bereaved people walk through grief with the support of friends, family, faith, time, and community, and they come out the other side changed but whole. Grief is a normal human response to loss, not a disorder.

But some grievers do benefit from professional support — and the signs aren’t always obvious. As a licensed psychologist who has walked alongside thousands of bereaved people through Open to Hope, here is when I tell clients it might be time to see a grief therapist.

What Grief Therapy Actually Does

The American Psychological Association describes grief therapy as a clinical relationship designed to help bereaved people process loss, integrate the death into their life story, and address grief reactions that have become stuck or impaired.

Grief therapy is not about “getting over” your loved one. It is about getting through the hardest parts of bereavement with skilled company.

7 Signs It’s Time to See a Grief Therapist

1. Your Grief Is Not Softening Over Time

For most bereaved people, the acute pain of grief gradually softens over months and years. It does not disappear, but it changes shape. If your grief feels exactly as intense at month 18 as it did at month one — or if it is intensifying rather than softening — that is worth bringing to a professional.

This can be a sign of what researchers call “prolonged grief disorder” — a treatable condition affecting roughly one in ten bereaved adults. (See Grief Brain: Why You Can’t Think Clearly After Loss for more on the cognitive side of bereavement.)

2. You Cannot Function in Daily Life

Grief disrupts normal functioning for everyone. But if, months in, you still cannot get out of bed most days, cannot eat, cannot work, cannot care for your children, cannot drive — that is a sign your grief is unusually severe and may benefit from clinical support.

3. You Are Avoiding All Reminders of Them

Some avoidance of grief triggers is normal — most bereaved people avoid certain songs, places, or anniversaries in the early months. But if you have boxed up every photograph, refused to enter rooms, can never say their name, or have built your life around not thinking about them, that level of avoidance may be keeping the grief trapped.

4. You Are Carrying Trauma, Not Just Grief

If your loved one died suddenly, violently, traumatically — or if you witnessed the death, found the body, or were involved in the events — you may be carrying trauma alongside grief. The two require different treatments. Trauma-informed grief therapy (EMDR, somatic experiencing, or prolonged grief therapy) can be transformative for traumatic loss specifically. (See Coping With the Sudden Death of a Spouse and Grieving a Suicide Loss for related care.)

5. You Are Having Thoughts of Self-Harm

If you are having thoughts of harming yourself, please call or text 988 in the US to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. Suicidal ideation in grief is a sign that you need professional support immediately. There is no shame in this. You are not “weak.” You are responding to one of the hardest things a human can survive, and you deserve skilled help.

6. Substance Use Has Increased Significantly

Many bereaved people self-medicate with alcohol, prescription medications, cannabis, or other substances. Some increase is common in early grief. But if your substance use has crept upward in the months after the loss — daily drinking, multiple substances, using before noon, hiding it from others — that is a sign grief is being managed in a way that will create its own problems.

7. You Want to See a Therapist

This is the simplest sign of all. If you are asking the question — if some part of you wants professional company through this grief — that is reason enough. You do not need to be in crisis to seek therapy. Healthy people use therapy preventively, like a tune-up. Bereavement is a perfect time for one.

What to Look for in a Grief Therapist

When choosing a grief therapist, look for:

• A licensed mental health professional (psychologist, LCSW, LMFT, LPC)
• Specific training in grief and bereavement (ADEC certification is a strong signal)
• Experience with your type of loss (spouse, child, sibling, suicide, sudden, etc.)
• A practice that feels safe in the first session — trust is foundational

Many therapists offer a free initial consultation. Use it. If the fit feels wrong, try someone else. Therapy works best when the relationship feels right.

The Hospice Foundation of America and the Association for Death Education and Counseling both maintain clinician directories that can be good starting points.

What Grief Therapy Is Not

A few things grief therapy is not:

• A timeline. Therapy does not “speed up” grief.
• A replacement for community. Grief groups, friends, and family still matter.
• A sign of weakness. Asking for help is the opposite of weakness.
• A judgment of your grief. A good therapist will not tell you that you are “grieving wrong.”

A Word About Grief Groups vs. Individual Therapy

For many bereaved people, the right step is not individual therapy but a grief support group with others who share their type of loss. Groups for bereaved parents, surviving siblings, widows and widowers, suicide loss survivors, and pet loss are widely available — many free.

The Open to Hope podcast library is also a free entry point if you are not ready for in-person community yet.

Hope on the Other Side

Whatever path you choose — therapy, group, faith community, journaling, friends, or some combination — please know that you do not have to grieve alone. The version of grief that gets through is usually the one that is shared.

We are with you. The Open to Hope community is with you. And on the other side of this hardest season, healing is real.

If you are in crisis, please call or text 988 (US) to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. If you are a Veteran in crisis, dial 988 and press 1.

Dr. Heidi Horsley is a licensed psychologist, adjunct professor at Columbia University, and co-host of the Open to Hope podcast. After losing her 17-year-old brother Scott in a car accident, she has dedicated her career to helping bereaved families find hope after loss.