Military Group Knows a Lot About Healthy Grieving

By Ami Neiberger-Miller —

Holiday cheer and merrymaking may be everywhere this time of year, but for thousands of Americans grieving the loss of a loved one, the holiday season can be an emotional minefield. And there’s no roadmap for easy navigation.

For more than a decade, TAPS has helped surviving families of those who have died in military service. Carroll and TAPS offer the following tips to help anyone who is grieving during the holiday season:

Take charge of your holiday season. Anticipating the holiday, especially if it’s the first one without a cherished family member, can be worse than the actual holiday. Taking charge of your holiday plans, and mapping out how you will spend that time, can help relieve anxiety.

Make plans. Plan to spend the holidays where you feel nurtured, emotionally safe, and comfortable. An escape plan may be difficult to carry out, because American holidays are celebrated in many places world-wide, and there often is no way to escape all of the reminders of the holidays.

Find sustenance for the soul. Your church, synagogue, mosque, or other
faith community may offer services, resources, and support networks to help. You may want to look for a support group for people who are grieving and have suffered a similar loss. Families who have lost a loved one serving in the military may find comfort by connecting with other survivors through our online community, online peer support groups, or care groups.

Don’t be afraid to change your holiday traditions. Some traditions may
be a comfort, while others might cause pain. Consider which traditions to keep, and which ones to forego this year. Do not feel like you have to do something because you have always done it that way.

Include your lost loved one in gift-giving. Consider making a donation
to a charity in memory of your loved one. Give a gift on behalf of your loved one to someone else.

Create a tribute. Light a candle, display a favorite photograph, or set a place at the dinner table to represent the missing loved one. Consider writing a letter to your loved one about the holidays and your special memories with that person.

Be gentle with yourself. Realize that familiar traditions, sights, smells, and even tastes, may be comforting, or may jolt your emotions. This is the time of year when you need to be careful with your emotions and listen to yourself.

Attend holiday functions if you can. Consider attending holiday parties
and events, especially if you’ll be able to spend time with supportive
family members and friends. Make an escape plan in case the event is more than you can handle, and trust your hosts to understand if you need to slip out. If you think a holiday gathering might be more than you can handle, it is ok to stay home.

Don’t pretend you haven’t experienced a loss. Imagining that nothing has
happened does not make the pain of losing a loved one go away, nor does it make the holidays easier to endure. Even though holiday memories may be painful, they can also be comforting. It is ok to talk with others about what you have lost, and what the holidays mean to you.

Pay attention to your health. It’s often difficult for people who have experienced a recent loss to sleep. Make sure you get regular rest and drink lots of water. Do not over-indulge in sweets or alcohol. If you feel overwhelmed, talk with your medical care provider.

Take stock of both joy and sadness. Give yourself permission to feel joy as well as sadness. Don’t feel like you have to “be a certain way” because of your loss. Just be yourself.

Express your feelings. Bottling up your feelings may add to distress, not lessen it. To express your feelings, use your creativity to write a poem, talk with a supportive friend, create a painting, or pen a journal entry.

Share your holiday season with someone else. There are many lonely
people who might like to experience the holiday season with someone else. Consider volunteering with a local charity or soup kitchen, inviting a neighbor for a special holiday meal, or including others in your holiday activities.

Ami Neiberger-Miller is Public Affairs Officer for TAPS, the national organization providing compassionate care for the families of America’s fallen military heroes. Reach her at ami@taps.org. For more tips on dealing with grief during the holidays, go to the TAPS website at www.taps.org.

Ami Neiberger-Miller

More Articles Written by Ami

Ami Neiberger-Miller, APR, Public Affairs Office - work with TAPS includes working with the news media, designing strategic outreach campaigns, advising surviving families on media relations, speaking to organizations about TAPS, conducting online outreach to raise awareness with core audiences, writing press releases and other materials, and forging partnerships that help build support for TAPS and surviving families. Because she is a surviving family member, Ami brings a unique perspective to her role with TAPS. Ami’s 22-year-old brother, U.S. Army Specialist Christopher Neiberger, was killed in August 2007 by a roadside bomb while serving with the U.S. Army in Baghdad, Iraq. She managed an avalanche of media attention focused on her grieving family and tries to use her personal experience and professional expertise to help others. Ami has emerged as a leading advocate for surviving families through her work with TAPS and the media. She authored a guide to managing the news media for military families dealing with traumatic situations. She has written for PRSA’s Tactics, been interviewed for the International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies, and spoken at Columbia University on media coverage and trauma survivors. She has been interviewed by CNN, CBS Sunday Morning, the Pentagon Channel, the Voice of America, and many other outlets. She also appears in the HBO documentary “Section 60: Arlington National Cemetery.” As an active member of the TAPS Sibling Support Network, Ami says she finds strength in connecting with others who have experienced the similar loss of a loved one serving in the military. She devoted more than 12 years of her career to helping organizations improve how they communicate and work with the media. She has worked with the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, the Nature Conservancy, the National 4-H Council, the University of Florida, the National Veterans Legal Services Program, and Sister Cities International. She founded Steppingstone LLC in 2003 and works as a consultant. She holds bachelor’s and master’s degrees from the University of Florida and is accredited in public relations. To learn more about Ami and her work with TAPS, go to: www.taps.org. Ami appeared on the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart to discuss “Loss & the Military.” To hear her interview with Dr. Gloria and Dr. Heidi, click on the following link: www.voiceamericapd.com/health/010157/horsley121108.mp3

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  • Dear Ami,

    “Find substance for the soul” was a beautiful expression. Each of us stumbles around until we discover what our survival method will be after a loved one is taken from us. Honestly, it breaks my heart when I think of our brave and lost soldiers, their mourning families.

    I salute them; I honor them; I pray for them. My father was in WWII, a marine. The war never left him.

    Thank you for the work that you do.

    With compassion,
    Mary Jane Hurley Brant

  • Kevin York says:

    I am looking for a counselor who is living in or near the Chicago area to come and speak during National Military Appreciation Month (May) at Northrop Grumman Corporation about the affects of PTSD in everday life. I am the chairman of Northrop Grumman’s national veterans group called VERITAS and in recognition of National Military Appreciation Month I wanted to give the employees an opportunity to speak wih a counselor and find out all they can about PTSD. It’s more of an awarness opportunity that I believe will go a long way in helping people who have never served to more full yunderstand some of the struggles servie memebers go through. Please feel free to contact me at any of the methods listed below:

    Kevin M. York
    Logistics Program Manager
    LITENING Advanced Targeting Pod
    F-35 Joint Strike Fighter EODAS
    VERITAS Electronic Systems Sector Chairman
    VERITAS Rolling Meadows Campus Chairman
    Work: 224.625.3916
    Cell: 623.202.6202
    Kevin.York@NGC.com

    “For those who fight for it, life has a flavor the protected never know.”

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