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Feature Article #1

Why the Stillborn Should Have a Certificate of Birth

Writer Joanne Cacciatore, a pioneer in the “certificate of birth” movement, explains why parents should have the right to receive a certificate of birth for a stillborn child. She shares her personal experience with a stillbirth in 1994.

Joanne Cacciatore | July 24th, 2008 | Continued

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Feature Article #2

Poet Memorializes Her Parents

Award-winning poet Pamela Papka Sexton touches on the experience of losing her mother (In the Mirror) and her father (Two Rivers). “The mirror doesn’t lie/She is closer than she seems,” Sexton writes of her mother. Of her father: “I look toward Round Top/and know he is there, stitched/in a tuxedo.”

| July 22nd, 2008 | Continued

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Feature Article #3

What Not to Say to a Suicide Survivor

Suicide survivor Carol Loehr shares what others often say when they learn that her son died by suicide. She advocates for educating people about the neurological illnesses that cause suicide.

Carol Loehr | July 18th, 2008 | Continued

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Feature Article #4

Grief and Female Suicide Bombers — the Connection

Writer Norman Fried believes that the growing wave of female suicide attacks in Iraq highlights the need for greater understanding of the psychology of spousal-loss.

Norman Fried | July 17th, 2008 | Continued

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Feature Article #5

When Does Touch Become Critical?

Writer and widow Elaine Williams examines the yearning for touch following the loss of a spouse due to death, divorce or physical separation. She’s trying to be patient, she writes, but some days are hard.

Elaine Williams | July 15th, 2008 | Continued

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Feature Article #6

Transplant Waiting List Nears 100,000

Reg Green and his family made headlines worldwide in 1994 by donating their 7-year-old son’s organs after the boy was shot in a botched robbery. Now, Reg reports, the number of Americans waiting for organs is nearing 100,000. What can you do to help?

Reg Green | July 11th, 2008 | Continued

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Feature Article #7

Scrapbooks Memorialize Loved Ones

Writer Diana Gardner-Williams found a way to reconnect with the memory of a deceased loved one: “scrapbooking.” It gives grieving people an outlet by allowing them to preserve their loved one’s legacy in a positive, productive and personal manner.

Diana Gardner-Williams | July 7th, 2008 | Continued

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Feature Article #8

When a Sibling Dies by Suicide

Writer Michelle Linn-Gust shares her journey of coming to terms with the suicide of her sister

Michelle Linn-Gust | July 1st, 2008 | Continued

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Feature Article #9

GRIEF SUPPORT 101: How to Help a Bereaved Friend or Loved One

Writer Fran Dorf describes what to say — and not say — to someone who has lost a loved one

Fran Dorf | June 26th, 2008 | Continued

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Feature Article #10

Two Tips for New Widows

Author and widow Linda Della Donna offers new widows two pieces of sage advice

Linda Della-Donna | June 24th, 2008 | Continued

About OTH

Welcome to the Open to Hope Foundation. We are an online resource center for people who have experienced loss. Our vision is that all people who experience loss will be able to learn to live with their grief, cope with their pain, and invest in their future. It is our goal to [...]

Open to Hope Authors

Ask the Authors

What do I do with her “stuff”?

Barbara, Asheville, N.C., asks
My mother died recently at age 85. I’m the only surviving child. She left a huge house full of “stuff.” I just can’t bring myself to do what’s needed to clean it out and sell the house. Is this normal? What can I do to get over the hump?

Drs. Gloria and Heidi respond:
First of all, we want to say how sorry we are to hear about your mother’s death.  As you say, you are the “only surviving child,” so we assume that you have also suffered sibling loss.  It is difficult to say goodbye to the home and mother you knew and not to have other siblings with whom you can cry and share special stories.

Some would tell you that since she lived to 85, your mother had a good life and it was time for her to go. We all know we have to see our elder loved ones go but that doesn’t mean that we don’t miss them dearly. Home and Mom were a place where we always knew we were welcome. So not being able to clean out the house is totally normal.

We suggest that you don’t do it alone. Ask a favorite aunt, friend, or friend of your mother’s to help. Tackle things one room at a time. You might want to deal with personal items last. Some people just box up some of the personal items, label the box, and put them in storage to go through at a later date. Also, think about those left behind and offer them some of those special items to remember your mom. For the furniture and larger items, you can have a house sale. If you don’t want to do it yourself, you can hire people to do it and if it is too painful, take a few days of vacation while the items are being sold. , Ask the people you hire to contact an organization like Volunteers of America to pick up want they don’t sell. When you get back, the house will be empty and ready to go on the market.

What Should I do?

Mary, Provo, Utah writes
My son Danny died a year ago of an infection at age three.  I am now wondering what to do with all his toys.  It is too painful for me to keep them in a room as a memorial for him, yet I know how much he loved them.  What should I do?

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley respond:

We are so very sorry to hear about the death of your little boy.  As a bereaved mother and sibling we want you to know that we understand how difficult it is to part with our loved ones possessions. After Scott died, we left his football game under his bed for a very long time because we couldn’t bear to get rid of it. It sounds like you are thinking that you might want to start giving a few things away. We would suggest that you think of children or places that would enjoy the toys. You may want to give some away to Danny’s friends or relatives. Another suggestion is that you give his toys to a hospital, family shelter or a nursery school. I’m sure those children would cherish the toys and would find joy in them, just as Danny did. Don’t feel that you have to give them all away at once. You might also want to keep a couple of Danny’s favorite toys that make you smile in his remembrance.

What do I do now?

My baby boy Mason Gage Nunez drown in my mother in laws pool on June 8, 2008.  We were all having a good time…..he’s always had an unholy fear of the water and that day we had just gotten him to let go of the side of the pool with his floaties…..ALWAYS with the floaties.  He would hold to you with a mighty grip even with those, life vests…anything.  He was sooo proud that he could hold our hand and not be afraid….said he was a big boy.

Everyone was hungry so we all got out, he had to go to the bathroom so I helped and dryed him up a bit.  He sat on the couch asking to spend the night with paw paw……I walked out the front door to check on my oldest girls 10 and 13 and walked in about 4 minutes later…..maybe less.  Everyone was calling him.  I went at a dead run for the pool along with everyone else, and there he was, floating and blue.

I’m a medic…..trained.  But I couldn’t save my baby.  It haunts me.  Did he suffer?  Did he call me?  Did he think I just left him there?  What went through his little five year old mind?   He had only been five since Feb. 25.  He was so little.  Couldn’t tie his shoes, never rode a big boy bike.

He LOVED T-ball.  We have a memorial set up for him to do something for our local ball field.  His team (the same boys he has played with for three years) were all dressed out in uniform, as was my baby, at the funeral.

I dont know if up is up or down, if right is right or left is left.  We all think that our kids depend on US……but we depend on them more than we think.  Ive lived with cronic depression for years…..he got me up, got me going.  He would wake up and tap my cheek and say, “suns up mommy, lets get some waffles”.  I HAD to get up…..how can you NOT when its that sweet.

Now what do I do?   My other kids are older, into their own things.  My life will never be the same again.
I find myself looking up at the sky, saying hello, praying and praying that he is happy and in a wonderful place with god.  I just wish I could have 2 minutes to tell him Im sorry for not getting there in time…..that I should have took him out front with me.  We had been fishing that morning and I was sooooo tired….I should have said no when they all wanted to go to grandmas.   We should have just went home and everything would be normal right now.

My husband’s name died with my son.  He was the legacy….my best friend, my baby and my little man.

His name is Mason…..Mammas Mae Mae man.

RESPONSE FROM DR. GLORIA

Dear Mieyonna,
I am so sorry to hear of the drowning of your son Mason Gage.  He sounds like a wonderful child.  We also dressed our son, Scott, in his baseball uniform.  He loved the Mets and we put his Met shirt in his coffin. Scott was 17 and I also wondered how I could have saved him.  He wanted to take my car and I told him to go with his cousin.  His cousin was driving in a rain storm when he lost control and the car hit a wall.  Both of the boys were burned to death when the car blew-up.  The what if’s and if only’s haunt all of us especially in the early stages of grief.  We all have to have to realize that we did the best we could at the time.  Forgiveness for ones self is sometimes the hardest and most important thing we must do.  True your life will never be the same again.  It was not the life any of us had planned however, even though you may not be able to get in touch with it now, you can and will have a life again.  If you can’t believe that now rely on my testimony that life is worth living again after the death of my only son.  Mieyonna, one thing that does concern me is your comment on having a “history of depression”.  If this is the case you need to reach out and get some professional support.  Call your local hospital or hospice and look for a support group headed by a licensed therapist.  You may want to have an individual therapist to support you.  You my also need an evaluation for medication.  Grief is hard work so don’t try to do this on your own.   Your family and your children love and need you.  Take care of yourself and listen to our shows, visit the blog, reach out to your community, family and friends.  Take care of yourself! You are worth it.

Dr. Gloria

Bereaved Family’s Grief Gets Complicated

Cindy writes:
I have been listening to your radio show for awhile. I download to iPod and listen in the car. Eight years ago, my 3-year-old son was killed when a truck backed over him while he was walking with his sister and childcare provider to the store. As you can imagine, the pain was intense.

My husband stayed strong and went back to work a week later. I went through two years of intense counseling, as did my two surviving children. My husband did not. We were not able to collect from the driver’s insurance company so our lawyer used a loophole in the state and we ended up collecting an
insurance settlement from my husband’s company’s underinsured motorist policy.

My husband’s company did not take the news well, and he felt threatened and left. This was a job he had held for 10 years and was good at it. During this time, I was able to be home with our surviving children, ages 6 and 10 at the time. However, I eventually had to go back to work and currently continue to do so.

My husband has gone from job to job, leaving when he thinks someone knows what happens and is trying to hurt him by backstabbing him. Recently he has transferred his suspicions to our social life. We had a couple that we did everything with, and he feels that they are somehow talking to the guys at work to undermine him.

My husband also treats my father with anger when he sees him. He hates everything and is extremely angry. He does not care about his health and will not talk to anyone because he thinks they will tell the guys at work. He can be very mean, and then turn around and apologize. He is not able to talk about our son unless it’s something he’s angry about.

It is getting unbearable at our house. I feel like I have had to give up my family and best friends. I feel that he suffers from complicated grief and depression but won’t accept help. Please if you have any information, suggestions or ideas that would be great. I feel like I am struggling upstream and making no headway.

Gloria Horsley responds:
So sorry to hear about your son’s death and all of the other issues. I frankly don’t think you can blame all of your husband’s problems on the death of your son. After 8 years, we all need to be investing in the future with your other beautiful children. My advice to you is to reach out like you have today. This tells me that you are ready to get on with your life. The greatest gift you can give to your family is a happy you.

I would suggest that you contact your local social services, minister, family, friends. You may also attend grief groups at your local hospital or Compassionate Friends. You might even want to contact your local battered women’s shelter. They have wonderful, free, groups for women.

Go to a couple of groups and you will hear that emotional abuse is far more difficult for them than physical abuse. Get help for yourself and you will find than your husband’s behavior will change. If you hesitate to do it for yourself, then do it for your children. If you have siblings, look to them for support in reaching out. Your husband may not like you to reach out, but you need to be strong and do it for yourself and not for him.

Don’t be influenced by his desire to “keep things quiet”. There is no shame in anything that has happened to you. Keep listening to the show. These problems are not ones that you should keep quiet. Reach out to the world!

After Miscarriage, Husband Wonders When It’s Time to Try Again

Ron, Ft. Lauderdale, Fla., writes:
My wife, who is 35, miscarried after two months. It has been four months and she is still talking about the baby and is stressed about getting pregnant again. Is this normal? I just think we should get on with it and try again. We aren’t getting any younger.

Gloria and Heidi respond:
Dear Ron: We are so sorry to hear about both your loss and your wife’s loss. Miscarriage is often unacknowledged by society, yet it is a very real and painful loss. We are always impressed when men e-mail us with concerns regarding their spouses. While we don’t know the circumstances surrounding your wife’s miscarriage, we do know that women make very strong connections with their babies while pregnant. I would suggest talking openly with your wife about the loss of her pregnancy and her concerns and fears around becoming pregnant again. We would also suggest that she talk to her Doctor about her concerns. Your wife has gone through a lot both physically and emotionally and her body is still adjusting to the hormonal as well as physical stress of the miscarriage. Continue being patient and supportive and with time she will most likely get to a point where she is ready to become pregnant again.