Barbara, Asheville, N.C., asks
My mother died recently at age 85. I’m the only surviving child. She left a huge house full of “stuff.” I just can’t bring myself to do what’s needed to clean it out and sell the house. Is this normal? What can I do to get over the hump?

Drs. Gloria and Heidi respond:
First of all, we want to say how sorry we are to hear about your mother’s death.  As you say, you are the “only surviving child,” so we assume that you have also suffered sibling loss.  It is difficult to say goodbye to the home and mother you knew and not to have other siblings with whom you can cry and share special stories.

Some would tell you that since she lived to 85, your mother had a good life and it was time for her to go. We all know we have to see our elder loved ones go but that doesn’t mean that we don’t miss them dearly. Home and Mom were a place where we always knew we were welcome. So not being able to clean out the house is totally normal.

We suggest that you don’t do it alone. Ask a favorite aunt, friend, or friend of your mother’s to help. Tackle things one room at a time. You might want to deal with personal items last. Some people just box up some of the personal items, label the box, and put them in storage to go through at a later date. Also, think about those left behind and offer them some of those special items to remember your mom. For the furniture and larger items, you can have a house sale. If you don’t want to do it yourself, you can hire people to do it and if it is too painful, take a few days of vacation while the items are being sold. , Ask the people you hire to contact an organization like Volunteers of America to pick up want they don’t sell. When you get back, the house will be empty and ready to go on the market.

My baby boy Mason Gage Nunez drown in my mother in laws pool on June 8, 2008.  We were all having a good time…..he’s always had an unholy fear of the water and that day we had just gotten him to let go of the side of the pool with his floaties…..ALWAYS with the floaties.  He would hold to you with a mighty grip even with those, life vests…anything.  He was sooo proud that he could hold our hand and not be afraid….said he was a big boy.

Everyone was hungry so we all got out, he had to go to the bathroom so I helped and dryed him up a bit.  He sat on the couch asking to spend the night with paw paw……I walked out the front door to check on my oldest girls 10 and 13 and walked in about 4 minutes later…..maybe less.  Everyone was calling him.  I went at a dead run for the pool along with everyone else, and there he was, floating and blue.

I’m a medic…..trained.  But I couldn’t save my baby.  It haunts me.  Did he suffer?  Did he call me?  Did he think I just left him there?  What went through his little five year old mind?   He had only been five since Feb. 25.  He was so little.  Couldn’t tie his shoes, never rode a big boy bike.

He LOVED T-ball.  We have a memorial set up for him to do something for our local ball field.  His team (the same boys he has played with for three years) were all dressed out in uniform, as was my baby, at the funeral.

I dont know if up is up or down, if right is right or left is left.  We all think that our kids depend on US……but we depend on them more than we think.  Ive lived with cronic depression for years…..he got me up, got me going.  He would wake up and tap my cheek and say, “suns up mommy, lets get some waffles”.  I HAD to get up…..how can you NOT when its that sweet.

Now what do I do?   My other kids are older, into their own things.  My life will never be the same again.
I find myself looking up at the sky, saying hello, praying and praying that he is happy and in a wonderful place with god.  I just wish I could have 2 minutes to tell him Im sorry for not getting there in time…..that I should have took him out front with me.  We had been fishing that morning and I was sooooo tired….I should have said no when they all wanted to go to grandmas.   We should have just went home and everything would be normal right now.

My husband’s name died with my son.  He was the legacy….my best friend, my baby and my little man.

His name is Mason…..Mammas Mae Mae man.

RESPONSE FROM DR. GLORIA

Dear Mieyonna,
I am so sorry to hear of the drowning of your son Mason Gage.  He sounds like a wonderful child.  We also dressed our son, Scott, in his baseball uniform.  He loved the Mets and we put his Met shirt in his coffin. Scott was 17 and I also wondered how I could have saved him.  He wanted to take my car and I told him to go with his cousin.  His cousin was driving in a rain storm when he lost control and the car hit a wall.  Both of the boys were burned to death when the car blew-up.  The what if’s and if only’s haunt all of us especially in the early stages of grief.  We all have to have to realize that we did the best we could at the time.  Forgiveness for ones self is sometimes the hardest and most important thing we must do.  True your life will never be the same again.  It was not the life any of us had planned however, even though you may not be able to get in touch with it now, you can and will have a life again.  If you can’t believe that now rely on my testimony that life is worth living again after the death of my only son.  Mieyonna, one thing that does concern me is your comment on having a “history of depression”.  If this is the case you need to reach out and get some professional support.  Call your local hospital or hospice and look for a support group headed by a licensed therapist.  You may want to have an individual therapist to support you.  You my also need an evaluation for medication.  Grief is hard work so don’t try to do this on your own.   Your family and your children love and need you.  Take care of yourself and listen to our shows, visit the blog, reach out to your community, family and friends.  Take care of yourself! You are worth it.

Dr. Gloria

Ron, Ft. Lauderdale, Fla., writes:
My wife, who is 35, miscarried after two months. It has been four months and she is still talking about the baby and is stressed about getting pregnant again. Is this normal? I just think we should get on with it and try again. We aren’t getting any younger.

Gloria and Heidi respond:
Dear Ron: We are so sorry to hear about both your loss and your wife’s loss. Miscarriage is often unacknowledged by society, yet it is a very real and painful loss. We are always impressed when men e-mail us with concerns regarding their spouses. While we don’t know the circumstances surrounding your wife’s miscarriage, we do know that women make very strong connections with their babies while pregnant. I would suggest talking openly with your wife about the loss of her pregnancy and her concerns and fears around becoming pregnant again. We would also suggest that she talk to her Doctor about her concerns. Your wife has gone through a lot both physically and emotionally and her body is still adjusting to the hormonal as well as physical stress of the miscarriage. Continue being patient and supportive and with time she will most likely get to a point where she is ready to become pregnant again.