By Dr Lina Kaplan –
Pregnancy loss presents a formidable challenge to bereaved parents. Grieving parents often report a profound sense of isolation and alienation at the time when they most need support. Many people do not fully appreciate the attachment that already has formed between the parents and their unborn child, nor the symbolic losses associated with pregnancy loss. Grieving parents, therefore, often feel their loss is minimized and trivialized (“it is all for the best”, “you are young, you’ll be pregnant in no time”) and feel both internal and external pressure to “move on.”
One way in which individuals and couples do, in fact, attempt to “move on” after a pregnancy loss is by prematurely getting pregnant again. There is a desire to “get back on track” by having a baby without allowing sufficient time to mourn the loss of the previous pregnancy. Many who rush into another pregnancy within 2-6 months after a loss, typically think of a new pregnancy as a way of coping with the loss. This is often an attempt to forget the pain, to re-establish normalcy and their identity as parents. However, there are usually some concerns with this decision.
During the new pregnancy, when a woman needs to be preoccupied with the new life inside of her, she often finds herself sadly preoccupied with the previous loss. Many women who got pregnant prematurely after pregnancy loss often report they are unable to be fully present, to enjoy their new pregnancy, and often experience difficulty in bonding with the child who grows inside of them. They report anxiety, fear, guilt and obsessive preoccupation with the previous pregnancy and its loss.
On the other end on the spectrum, some women and their partners report experiencing paralyzing anxiety over the next pregnancy. They may need encouragement and support to move on and to become pregnant once again. They need help in resolving the emotional trauma (and sometimes physical trauma as well) associated with the previous pregnancy that may prevent them from wanting to get pregnant again. For some couples, the timing of a new pregnancy becomes a source of conflict as each partner goes through a different grieving process, on a different time line and may have different feelings about another pregnancy.
In the safety of the therapeutic environment in a form of individual therapy, couples therapy and/or a support group, parents are helped by sharing their experience and are supported to express their sadness, anger, guilt, shame and bitterness. Such an environment provides parents with a safe opportunity to discuss their thoughts, feelings, and differences associated with plans for a new pregnancy. It allows parents to examine their motivation, the timing of a new pregnancy, and to make a conscious decision that will benefit not only them but their future child as well.
Dr. Lina Kaplan is a licensed psychologist in Los Angeles with over 17 years of diverse clinical experience. She specializes in infertility, pregnancy and neonatal losses. Multi-lingual (English, Hebrew, Russian and basic Spanish), Dr. Kaplan is also specializes in the emotional challenges associated with cross-cultural transitions.
To learn more about Dr. Kaplan’s work, go to: www.drlinakaplan.com. You can reach her directly at: drlinakaplan@aol.com
Tags: grief, hope
I read your post on Pregnancy After Pregnancy Loss. It was a good one. According to me, you could add more common signs of pregnancy to create a broader perspective. A good Approach.