By Norman Fried

It is a widely accepted belief that, as time passes, mourners’ responses to loss and trauma change. We understand that the physical reactions of grief, including psychomotor retardation, disorientation, fatigue, and panic seem to lessen. We know that spiritual growth and religious connections develop for some mourners as time begins to pass. And we agree that many who have suffered a loss find themselves more mobilized as time marches on, devoting their energies to fund-raising or consciousness-raising programs in honor of a loved one who died.

But the question remains: Is there really a “shelf life” for grief?

The answer, for anyone who has suffered a loss, is a resounding “No.” For all of us, grief knows no calendar. It is not linear. It is not predictable. As Hope Edelman states in her book, Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss,“mourning has no distinct beginning, middle and end.” Grief, as Edelman states, goes in cycles, like the seasons.

Many of us start our grief work immediately after a death, but some tend to grieve in spurts. We start and stop depending upon the support we receive, or the temperament we were born with. For children, grief reactions may not start for as long as six to nine months after an actual death, when the adults around them are beginning to show signs of improved coping.  And as for gender, it is more common for a man to express his grief years after the woman in his life has expressed hers. Furthermore, mourners who have sought the help of a grief therapist, the clergy, or a spiritual guide, may show signs of improved functioning well before mourners who “go it alone.”

While there is no shelf life, the concept of “old grief vs. new grief” does merit attention, for September 11 marks the anniversary of our collective trauma as a country, and our personal grief as individuals. For most of us, the movement of grief is very deep. The internal shift from physical pain to psychic and emotional pain is surreptitious, numbing and preconscious. We do not enter into grief: Grief enters into us. And with this new tenant, we are forced to learn whole new ways of coping. We go from asking, “Why did this happen?” to asking, “How will I go on?” We move from disbelief and shock, to an unbidden reality that this is our new way of living.

Several mourners I work with have likened this shift to that of “trying on a coat.” “In the beginning,” one mourner stated, “the coat was stiff, it didn’t fit. It was scratchy and itchy and I noticed I was wearing it. I hated wearing the coat. But as time has gone on, the coat has become more comfortable. It fits my body perfectly, for it has become the ongoing vehicle of my relationship with my loved one.”

Other grievers state that old grief, as opposed to new grief, is an “action-oriented” state of being. It is a way of being close to a loved one, a means of involving him or her in our lives.  Some call it “mature grief,” and they claim that it involves putting aside the physical, and moving deeply into the spiritual side of a loved one’s essence. “My grief is more than just a collection of memories,” one mourner says. “It helps me define who I am now; it gives shape and substance to the relationship I have with my loved one. For without my grief, I could not have a connection to him.”

Regardless of how we define it, the movement from new grief to old grief is an essential part of the mourning process. Well-meaning friends and relatives who tell us to “move on,” or “get over it,” do not fully understand that we will never “get over grief.” But with the proper love and care, we can, and do, learn to live alongside our grief, allowing it to be the unbidden, but familiar, companion we carry through life. And if we are successful in our grief work, we discover that, unlike the tidal wave that once carried us under, our old grief is more like a spindrift of fallen tears. We may still see the world through a haze of sadness, but the future, and our place in it, comes back into view.

Tags: grief, hope, Multiple Deaths